While on bedrest with Daniella, I had been having sporadic cramping and heavy discharge, which I was told to expect after a cerclage. That weekend, on Saturay,we went to the hospital because I was in a lot of pain. After being examined, I was told the cerclage looked fine, my cervix closed and that I was constipated, and that constipation could cause cramps.
The next day, more pain. I took some medication that releived my constipation and have to admit that the pain and cramping did relax significantly. That night, in the wee hours of Monday morning, after much more excrutiating pain I insisted I had to go to the hospital. My husband debated that I may be exagerating, but after I showed him that I was leaking and he saw my leaking pooled on the bathroom floor, there was no discussion.
Once arriving at the hospital I was examined and found to be 6 centimeters dialated and threatning to have my cerclage tear through my cervix. I was told I have to deliver. No choice.
After 20 hours of agony and pain Daniella was born – alive. Miracously, as she had been in cervical canal for most of the labor. Her APGAR score was 5 and then 6. She was rushed to the NICU. Two hours later I delivered the placenta, not before my blood pressue dipping dangerously low. So low in fact that I was disconnected from the machine and hooked up to another. Blood pressure cuffs were switched on me. My doctor kicked the machine – that’s how ridicously low my blood pressure reading was. So low, my doctor outright told my husband, no living person should have those numbers. They were getting nervous to say the least. More medication was given to me, along with an oxygen mask. (That mask got me so high – it was the only enjoyable moment of that day.) They kept calling my name. I was told to open my eyes and not fall asleep. They nudged me repeatedly, finally I answered my husbands call. Only his, isn’t that something?

More excitement – the NICU called and said she was not doing well. We went downstairs and were told that she had stabalized. Good. I stroked her tiny foot and she wiggled it, a moment I will never forget. Then as we were leaving, the doctor was rushing into the NICU. She is not doing well we were told. My husband told the doctor to do everything for her. We were right back at her side. The machines failed…we asked them to disconnect her. She was handed to me. It’s 3:10am. The realization that I have lost my second baby – my first healthy baby hits me. I want to die. I tell her to say hi to Emi. I tell her she is soo loved. I say goodbye. Now I really want to die. She receives Baptism.

The next day I hold her again. She is cold. I spend time with her.

The following day mom has arrived. Daniella is brought to us again. She is very cold. We hold her. Take photos. Cry some more. I kiss her eyes, forehead, lips, cheeks, hands and feet. The foot she wiggled just the other night is still. I take in all I can. This is so wrong I think. I will her to live. Nothing. I change her, and place a rose by her side and wrap her arm around it. I say goodbye to my baby. She is wheeled out. And. It. Is. Over.  Again.





2 responses »

  1. the loss you have endured is unimaginable. I know danielle’s due date is near and just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and your angel girls.

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