Life can be good. Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that. It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?
Ziggy is doing so well. She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious. I love her dearly. I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.
I am 37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas. There aren’t words for how I am feeling. The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.
Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others. I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.
And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year. I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her. I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years. My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.
With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.
I am blessed.
I have been home with Savannah for approximately 5 weeks and I need to return to work next week. I don’t know how. I’m going to miss her bitterly. One of the ways that I will deal with my feelings is to keep telling myself that I will work to pay off all my debt with my job. Once my debt is paid off and I have some dollars in the bank, my dream of working part time will be a closer reality. There is not one mom that tells me there won’t be sacrifices – whether professional or economical – but all of them tell me it will be worth it.
My recovery is going very well and i’m down 30lbs. I had surgery laproscopically(sp) and have 5 tiny little scars that have healed very nicely. I tend to feel weak when I do too much or have not had adequate protein…but for the most part i’ve followed instructions and usually have a lot of energy. I’ve also graduated to a nearly full diet. I’ve progressed from clear liquids to full liquids to blended and pureed foods (baby food consistency) and now meat and carbs. Bring on the meat! The focus of my diet is protein. I. must. get. the. protein. in. Several bites of food fill me up so I am eating protein only for now.
I still haven’t had a need to buy new clothes because a lot of the clothing I had was tight on me and now fits me well. I think when I lose another 20lbs I’ll have to buy clothes. The trick will be buying just enough to get by as I continue to lose the weight. I am really looking forward to it.
I must think about blogging every single day…yet I never find the time to do so. I must however because I have come to realize that it is one of the ways that I meditate and process all the competing thoughts in my head.
Thoughts…like the coin that Ziggy swallowed which landed us a trip to hospital…x-rays which revealed a coin in her throat…an emergency transfer to another hospital…and overnight stay…surgery the next day which inadvertently propelled the coin into her tummy and into a diaper several days later….sigh.
Or musings on my fun trip to Ohio to visit my girlfriend. Thoughts on the talks we had…the fun we had…the fun drag show we saw….the excitement I have over knowing that we will be partners in weightloss together…
Thoughts on the decision to move forward with weight loss surgery in Mexico very early next year…
Processing the idea that the home we invested so much in has closed in a shortsale and we are no longer home owners and adjusting/rationalizing the idea that it was the best decision to let it go for our future…
Writings about how I seem to be adjusting far better to my new role and added responsibilities at work…highly likely to the anxiety meds I am on again.
Recording all the wonderful milestones Ziggy is hitting…the words she’s saying…all her amazing ways…the way she greets her Daddy with repetitive hugs and miles of smiles when he gets home each night…
So much to process…so much to look forward to…
I never understood a working mother’s guilt. I just figured that it happened to someone that maybe didn’t have it all together…something vague. But now as I drop her off day in and day out at daycare I understand. When I’m told by others about her day I understand. When I’m told that she loves the sprinklers and “is really walking”, I understand.
Today, as I was signing her out I heard her cry. I rushed over to her ‘classroom’ and asked what happened. I was told that she fell off a ‘horsey’. I wanted to strangle someone – I know – ilogical. I know – these things happen. Still, I wanted to do so. And then I go home wondering if I would have been told about this had I not walked in and seen it. These are the kinds of scenarios that break my heart and have me wondering about her welfare.
It’s days like to today that I wish I could just turn my back on my job and stay home with my daughter so that a slip of paper or someone I hardly know will not have to tell me about her day.
I’m contracted to work for my job for 2 years…and it’s days like today that I hardly know how I will get through it.
Ziggy has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives…but there is still sorrow. There is still work to do. Our marraige took a huge hit with the loss of our girls. We just got through with talking this morning and it’s clear that my husband is now processing and working through a lot of pain and anxiety that I always knew he had, but not to this extent.
Things were HARD; and for a long time all we had in common was a lot of pain. I don’t think either of us bargained for all the work that lay ahead after Ziggy. We just wanted to get Ziggy here – safely and healthfully – and we got that. Yet we never looked past that goal because it seemed insurmountable, and we never thought about what came next.
So here we are at that ‘next’ phase.
The fire is out; we finally put it out. Now we are taking a look around…and holy shit…there is much to do.
Finances have to get in order….
Wellness and health must be moved out of the back burner….I’m looking into weight loss surgery…
Emotions have to come out – no matter how ugly- and they MUST be faced, and they MUST be processed and made peace with if we are ever to find some semblance of freedom.
We need to find ourselves as individuals….he has to go bike riding again and running and hiking and skiing…all those things he loved to do.
I need to start practicing yoga again and reading and dancing and cooking and drinking martinis with the ladies over bad and totally inappropriate jokes.
We need to do all these things…so that we can become WHOLE again and find ourselves again…and then find each other.
The month of June was filled to the brim with celebrating: my cousin’s college graduation, Savannah’s FIRST birthday, my birthday 3 days later and our first father’s day.
I can’t beleive I got to experience so many firsts and witness so many changes in our little girl. She went from this squiggly little thing to this precious little child that has weaved her way into the center of our lives. Her smiles are infectious; her laughter like music and every new experience for her has become an opportunity for us to view the world in a different way.
I can not emphasize enough what a hard time I am having. I’m no longer an hourly employee and so am working well over 40 hours per week. My commute is about an hour each way and I don’t know what free time is any more. I’m constantly re-examing my previous schedule of 40 hours per week and can’t beleive how just losing an average of 90 minutes a day is really affecting my quality of life.
Worst of all is all the guilt I feel about not spending time with my baby. She’ll be a year old in just weeks and I feel like I am losing precious time with her as a baby. I don’t know whether I am exagerating or not, but I just feel awful about it. I feel like I have NO quality time with her at all.
Awful, awful awful.
I’m also feeling really down about my looks. I was discusing these feelings with a friend and she remembered on how high I was feeling after baby was born. It made me laugh to remember that I had actualy told her “I don’t know why, but i’m feeling mighty conceated”. I’ve just gained a lot of weight in the last several years, and my skin is blotchy from pregnancy and my hair is so dry.
My home is smaller than my former one…we have too much stuff everywhere, nothing is organized, there is always laundry to be done and stuff to clean up. I can’t find anything when I need it. Ask anyone who knows me…I PRIDE myself on a clean and tidy home. I just can’t keep up with it. Somedays I just say screw it because I’d rather sleep than clean a stove.
I just feel like shit – unattractive, exhausted and overworked.