Life can be good. Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that. It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?
Ziggy is doing so well. She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious. I love her dearly. I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.
I am 37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas. There aren’t words for how I am feeling. The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.
Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others. I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.
And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year. I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her. I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years. My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.
With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.
I am blessed.
Where were you on that day? That seems to be the question you get most. I was on the train that morning on my way in to the city. I’d always look at the Trade Center – beautiful, tall and prominent – just before the train would dip under ground. I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw it. I likely just missed the first plane hit it…by the time I got to school about 20 minutes later the first attack had already taken place.
When I got to my college’s lobby everyone was hushed and listening to a radio along with the security guard. I was told that a plane had hit the Trade Center – there would be no classes. I found a few of my friends and we wondered how to get home. I thought about taking the Queens Borough Bridge home…but there were fears that bridges would be attacked…so we decided to stay on Manhattan Island and walk to my friend’s home. I went to school on East 71st street…she lived on West 170th street….we walked for over 100 blocks…we barely felt it on that day.
During our walk off in the distance we could see the smoke of the Trade Center…the skyline was forever changed. We kept thinking about the horror just south of us. The whole way there we received updates on what was happening…from other people walking…from people sitting in their cars blasting the radio for others to listen…from shop owners that offered our pregnant friend (and us) water or food.
On that day we saw the worst and the absolute best of humanity.
We went to Ground Zero 2 days later to see if we could help. Authorities requested water and batteries and so we brough that with us. Other than that there was nothing we could do. The air was thick with dust and remnants of the attack. The crowd became silent each time flatbed trucks draped with the American Flag would leave packed with debris.
I stayed with my friend for 3 days and finally felt comfortable taking the train home. My little brother – then 1 was sitting in his high chair and smiled at me when he saw me after 3 days…right behind him the television flashed images of the planes hitting the towers.
Today I was looking at images on the television of that day. Seeing those planes and seeing those towers burn and collapse will forever move me. The images of people helping one another…the images of the heroism of that day will forever inspire.
They will NEVER win.
I can’t beleive it’s been 10 years…I met my husband 3 months later. He regularly did consulting work in the Trade Center…thankfully he was not there on that day.
New year, new life, new blog.
I needed a fresh place…not to forget the last 3 years, but to better move on from them. At the stroke of midnight I was holding Ziggy and thanking her for coming in to my life. 2010 handed her to me and it was bittersweet to bid farewell to it.
So many aspirations for this year and thankfully none of them center on having a baby.
I want to heal my body from the last 3 years of pregnancies and births…
I want to heal my mind and spirit from the last 3 years of anxiety, devastation and death.
I need to get my financial house in order – clear debt and get on the right track.
I want to work on getting my Human Resources certification this year and I also want to join SHRM (Society for Human Resources Management).
I want to eat more whole foods and less junk food.
I want to build and strengthen relationships.
I hope to journal more often…and open my mind and spirit to positive energy.
I want to continue to move my body as I have been doing so through yoga, belly dance, and the like.
I want to surround myself with things that are beautiful, functional or bring me joy. (I think that’s a Buddhist concept, but I forget).
I want to find myself again…I wasn’t that bad to begin with 😉
There comes a moment when you can catch your breath and look around after struggling for so long. All I wanted was a live baby and I thank my lucky stars that I got her. So now I’m catching my breath and looking around and am having quite a time adjusting to my new ‘now’. I want to get my health in order for real. I want to get out of debt and get to the bottom of the motives behind my spending. I want some real direction in my career. I want to spice things up at home. I want a band of ‘girlfriends’. I want to live life. I want to go dancing and take my cooking to a new level. I want to drink martini’s and take a belly-dance class. I have so much to write and I don’t know whether to go private, password-protected, say yes to comments, or no to comments…I don’t know. I just want to write…freely and honestly…I need to write.
We bought a new car this weekend with all the bells and whistles. I am so happy about it. We went to my company’s holiday sale, although there was nothing I needed. I bought new clothes and make-up. I dyed my hair a new and vibrant shade. We ordered in. We slept late. Ziggy met Santa, although she was sleeping by the time she made it into his arms. She was dressed like a candy cane…a red and white striped ‘onesie’ with a matching bib and hat. The bib read ‘Santa’s little helper’, although I told her that Santa would fire her for sleeping on the job. My husband is moving on to a new position at his old company. We’re excited about our future.
I had a brief moment while waiting to sign-my life away at the car dealership. Many people were coming over to comment on how cute Ziggy was. I looked at him and asked if he believed that this was our life. No, was his response. I thought of where I was 3 years ago. Emi, had passed away and I didn’t know how I would ever be happy again. I didn’t know how I would smile or hope again. I didn’t know how life could dare to go on without her. I knew logically that it somehow would, but I just couldn’t see it. Then I thought of the time after Daniella, 2 years ago. I was done with life. I really wanted to just not be. Yet the universe knew that I had to continue living because this happy future awaited me.
I know that there are quite a few out there. I know that you can’t bring yourselves to comment but that you are reading. I understand so completely. There are many times that I look at Ziggy and I have to think of you and I have to think of your babies. I know I’m blessed. I promise you that I cherish her and love her. I promise you that I will raise her to the best of my ability to be someone of character, strength, courage and compassion. She will serve the world.
I love you all out there. Your day will come.
A friend and I had a huge fall out and we are not speaking to one another. I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing. On the one hand I am somewhat relieved and feel like I have taken a breath of fresh air. On the other I miss my friend. I know that the root cause of all this is a HUGE misunderstanding (as is often the case) but somethings were said that can not be unsaid. My girls were brought up and that is just a place that you should tread – and very lightly – around me. To bring up the girls and in the way they were brought up was a really cheap way of trying to hurt me. It failed too – because I am very secure about the decision I made before and after their deaths and my conscious is very clear. Things will never be the same. I’m surprisingly ok with where I am at. Not glad, but still doing just fine. Maybe because I am not surprised that we got here, just surprised at how… I have learned that when you get too close and you know too much that you are sometimes too close for comfort. I have learned that people ask but they are not prepared to hear. I have learned that you should let people do the hard work of figuring out their paths and find out their truths even if they are always coming to you. Just like with my mother and her home I am not fazed at the thought of letting this friendship go. I have let go before and I can let go again. Life goes on. Life is good. The light within radiates like a beacon in the night and I trust its truth – I am where I need to be right now. I am thankful for what was and honor what could have been. Our season as friends is likely over and hopefully our purpose in each other’s life fulfilled. Godspeed…
After I lost Emi and especially after Daniella I struggled to find meaning in their losses. I could not stand when in their attempts to comfort me people would tell me “everything happens for a reason.” REALLY? I thought. What good could possibly come about from their losses when I became jaded, biter and angry. I had become a shell of a person. In spite of all this I promised my girls that I would do something positive in the world because I would not allow their deaths to be in vain. I finally sent a strong message to the universe. Give me a child and I promise you two things: I will work to forge a better relationship with my in-laws and I will pay it forward by paying ($240) for a cleft lip or cleft palate operation for one child each year for the rest of my life.
I just bought my first surgery last week and I can’t tell you the joy and sense of closure it gave me. The loss of my girls will never make complete sense to me this side of eternity, but there is such peace in this moment. I love you Ziggy and I give thanks for you and each of your smiles. You are the most awesome and special person in my life. I love you Emi with every fiber in my being. I never got to hold you, I never even looked at you but I love you so dearly. And Daniella, my little warrior, the one that fought, the one that graced me with a few hours. You taught me strength. You taught me resolve. You helped me to find the warrior within myself.
To all my girls – I love you in such a way that words will never be enough. I never got to see Emi’s or Daniella’s smiles, but if the universe grants me a long life, I promise that many children will smile in their names.