Category Archives: In the Moment

A World of Difference

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Life can be good.  Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that.  It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?

Ziggy is doing so well.  She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious.  I love her dearly.  I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.

I am  37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas.  There aren’t words for how I am feeling.  The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.

Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others.  I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.

And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year.  I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her.  I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years.  My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.

With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.

I am blessed.

 

Celebrations!

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The month of June was filled to the brim with celebrating: my cousin’s college graduation, Savannah’s FIRST birthday, my birthday 3 days later and our first father’s day.

I can’t beleive I got to experience so many firsts and witness so many changes in our little girl.  She went from this squiggly little thing to this precious little child that has weaved her way into the center of our lives.  Her smiles are infectious; her laughter like music and every new experience for her has become an opportunity for us to view the world in a different way.

His Moment

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We just got through with celebrating his first father’s day.  It was simple…a trip to NYC for a quaint breakfast, good cappuccino and a nice leisure stroll.  The city was slowly waking up and it felt like we had most of it to ourselves. 

After we lost out girls we would walk the city in hopes of distracting ourselves from our sorrows.  Here and there, he would look over at parents strolling their babies and I know how badly he wanted to be them.

Today he finally got his day.

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This morning I gave him his first father’s day card and I told him with tears in my eyes that if I could have handpicked every characteristic of the ‘perfect’ father, I would have not even come close to the kind of father he is to our girl.

Not even remotely close…

Finally…a Mother’s Day to Relish!

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Last friday as I leave the daycare center with Savannah, I received a clay little flower pot…purple with painted flowers and personalized with her little hand prints on it.  It must have been the sweetest thing I’ve ever received.   Its right up there with the Hope Diamond in my heart.

We spent our first night away from Ziggy on Mother’s Day eve.  We drove a few hours away to Mohegan Sun and spent the evening together…just the 2 of us.  He told me to just forget about work, the move and all our worries.  Let’s just melt into each others arms and that’s exactly what we did and it was wonderful.  We had cocktails and gambled and ate amazing food.  When we were in our hotel room it rained loudly with much thunder and it just set the mood perfectly.  

We were abel to reconnect in a way that we have not been able to do so in too long a time.  We were either putting the pieces back together after Emi and then Daniella or we were panicked that something would go wrong with our last pregnancy…

The next day we had a lazy morning and we were back with Savannah and my cousin who cared for her the night before.  We all went out for a Mother’s Day dinner which concluded the most fantastic weekend I could have ever imagined. 

I get to be her mom, how great is that?  I just look at her and I have my moments when I think of Emi and Daniella and I just go back and wonder what if?  What if?….But at least I have Savannah and I don’t have to wonder what if?  I have her and I am so grateful for that cute boogie-faced munchkin!

Balance

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The last 4 weeks have been one of the most intense in my life…the stress of finding a home and moving, finding a pediatrician and a day care for Ziggy and of course starting my new job.  I’m glad we are far beyond this stage:

I’ve already conducted 2 mini presentations on unions, one orientation and assisted a supervisor with putting together a negative review.  I had a moment last week where I felt so overwhelmed at work.  The building director checked in that day with me (coincidentally) and I had a chat with my colleague whose in charge of training me.  We discussed a lot of realities and they are both on board with the fact that I was hired for my potential and my passion for human resources; and that they recognize there is a large learning curve and a lot for me to learn.  I can’t tell you how at ease I felt after those discussions.  My colleage kept assurinog me that I’m doing fine and to relax.  She stressed the importance of balance and to keep things in perspective.  I carry her words very much within mental reach.

My company is big on community outreach and so yesterday my husband and Ziggy joined 200 other employees and helped to build a farm.  It was hard work for sure, but something about being out on that grass, surrounded by dirt with the sun shining on your face gives perspective.  My body was tired, dirty and sweaty but my heart and mind were receptive to nature and the peaceful surroundings.

I haven’t written at all about it but my husband and I do have  some work to do on our relationship which needs heavy doses of TLC. We had an on again, off again relationship prior to getting married.  As soon as we get married, I come back pregnant from our honeymoon and we never caught a break since.  We lost Emi 5 months later, Daniella a year later and then there was just nothing but greif and heartache and then I lost my job and it soon became all about survival. 

And just like night and day Savannah arrives and my husband goes back to his former employer in a new position.  Several  months later I get this killer job offer and we’ moving…and now it’s a whole other kind of crazy we’re working with.

Could it be that this weekend was the first weekend in nearly 5 YEARS that we’re not putting out a fire?!

So there I am yesterday just thinking about the efforts that my husband is putting forth for our relationship.  The sun is shining on my face and for the first time in so long i’m truly relaxed and just accepting and absorbing this  FABULOUS new normal.

And today…today we participated in another event co-hosted by my job.  Although I was not expected to, I just had to.  It was a March of Dimes event.  Although my body was aching from all the farming we did yesterday I was content to take every step of that 3K walk.  Thinking of those 2 smiles I never got to see yet hoping that every step we took today will somehow spare some couple the agony we experienced and a little baby the struggle of being born too soon.

So here we are, and here is to us, to our precious girls and to finding and seeking balance.

Living in the Moment

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Last weekend my husband took Ziggy to spend the spend the day with his parents.  He left me with strict instructions: DO NOTHING.  No laundry, no cooking, no cleaning, NOTHING!  Of course I took down the Christmas tree, lights and other holiday decor.  I did some light organizing and then I sat down intent on relaxing.  It felt like work to make myself do nothing.  But that’s me – always going, always thinking, always contemplating the next step.  I finally popped open my netbook and searched the net and looked at recipes.  I watched some recorded shows on television.  I sipped wine.  I took a nice long shower and used my lavender body scrub (which I hardly ever use because I am usually in a rush).  I indulged in chocolate.  It was awesome.  By the time they both got back after several hours I was refreshed and relaxed…ultimately a slightly better version of the frazzled me they left behind.

So my attempt is to resist picking up every single toy Ziggy drops on the floor every time she drops it. I will hold her and cherish that precious moment instead of thinking that she needs drops or a bath later that night.  I can’t live in the past and always anticipate the future, I am just going to practice living in the moment.

I’m learning to carve out some alone time each day to just be.  To recharge, to just be, and to accept and indulge in ‘the now’ even if the house is a mess and dinner is not even defrosted.