As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable. I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.
Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it. My opinions were appreciated and sought after. Things were going so well…
I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June. I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s. I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day. I have my moments. Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time. I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant. I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute. There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.
With that loss I gained perspective. What had I been doing this whole time? Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt? I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah. I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband. I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles. The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.
It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed. My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC. I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process. They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again. It was a bittersweet reunion. He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide. By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me. Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).
We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock. For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back. It was a very hard and painful decision. Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.
It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again. Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.
While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking! I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.
Ziggy has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives…but there is still sorrow. There is still work to do. Our marraige took a huge hit with the loss of our girls. We just got through with talking this morning and it’s clear that my husband is now processing and working through a lot of pain and anxiety that I always knew he had, but not to this extent.
Things were HARD; and for a long time all we had in common was a lot of pain. I don’t think either of us bargained for all the work that lay ahead after Ziggy. We just wanted to get Ziggy here – safely and healthfully – and we got that. Yet we never looked past that goal because it seemed insurmountable, and we never thought about what came next.
So here we are at that ‘next’ phase.
The fire is out; we finally put it out. Now we are taking a look around…and holy shit…there is much to do.
Finances have to get in order….
Wellness and health must be moved out of the back burner….I’m looking into weight loss surgery…
Emotions have to come out – no matter how ugly- and they MUST be faced, and they MUST be processed and made peace with if we are ever to find some semblance of freedom.
We need to find ourselves as individuals….he has to go bike riding again and running and hiking and skiing…all those things he loved to do.
I need to start practicing yoga again and reading and dancing and cooking and drinking martinis with the ladies over bad and totally inappropriate jokes.
We need to do all these things…so that we can become WHOLE again and find ourselves again…and then find each other.
I went off the deep end this weekend. I was ready to be committed. I think it’s my impending period – frankly I hope it is, because I refuse to believe that I can be this unstable emotionally. I believe a lot of it has to do with the phone call I received last week from my former friend after her miscarriage. She kept referencing my experience with losing the girls and it cut deeply into my emotions. It brought all the ugly back. My emotions really caught me off guard and I was in a bad place. Then, the next day I got paid and as usual my check did not go as far as I had hoped and the baby needed things, and I had to ask my husband for help. I hate to do so, he’s so good about it, but I really hate to do so. Add to the mix that I want to make changes to the home – I want the home to reflect my new life beautifully and I took stock of all the half-done projects. The baby has not been sleeping and so I have not been sleeping. I’m grumpy and inefficient without sleep. I really need to get out and have alone time. But then I go back to the lack of money and I feel guilty for even thinking of getting out if the baby needs so much as a sock! All of this conspired for a very moody version of me. I just feel like I am in a pressure cooker sometimes. Thankfully I am knocking out my debt, but I think that I’ve come to realization that I still need to pamper myself here and there – responsibly and within budget.. I can’t just work and take care of Ziggy and clean the house. I need to get out and have a cocktail!
Yesterday, we finally got out to ChuckieCheese for my friend’s daughters birthday party. Not too long ago, I wound not have gotten caught dead in such a place, but there we were! We were enjoying cake when my friend asks me who is the little girl behind us eating our left over cake? I realize that this child is not part of our party and I go look for an employee and let him know. He went over to the little girl (maybe 3 years old?) and asked her if she wanted to go with him and find her parents. Without missing a mouthful of cake, she barely looks up and shakes her head no. He finally coaxed her to go with him and I wondered about her parents. When we see him a short time later, we inquire about the little girl. I was floored when he told me that he found her parents – stealing from the salad bar! Awesome. I looked at my friend and told her that we just automatically received A’s in parenting. We may have our not-so stellar moments in mothering, but we’ve never done that! The old me, would have had a total meltdown and hated the world. This version of me just shook her head and felt terribly sorry for that child.
I’ve been feeling a little down about my looks lately. I haven’t been exercising, and as a take a moment to apologize to the residents of the state of NJ for eating all the chocolate – i’ll state that i’ve been eating like an animal preparing for hibernation. My hair is acting up, my skin is dry from this harsh winter and with my last 3 pregnancies I developed the ‘mask of pregnacny’ and therefore have darker patches of skin on each cheek that I want to get evened out. (But that procedure takes money! So it gets placed on the back burner). I just have not been feeling my sexy self and i’m hoping that when the roomate moves out at the end of this month that I can reclaim my home, my privacy to work out and my health.
I had my review at work last week and it went well. Very well. My boss and I really put it all out there on the table. We talked about false perceptions, how others may have contributed to those perceptions, we talked about missed opportunities to build a solid working relationship and we talked about the present. She said she had trouble putting my review together only because things are going so well now and she does not want to go to the past – but is necessary. I told her that I viewed it as necessary closure, in order to truly be in ‘the now’ and to be able to look toward the future.
There was a lot of work that I did because I like a job well done, not because I was looking for credit or attention. But she somehow knew of it – and that we very rewarding. We discussed growth and goals for this year and just before the review ended she gave me a small raise – that will be effective as of last year before I left for my maternity leave. What’s better? It will be paid the difference retroactively as of last May, so I will see a nice bump in my next check. What’s even better? I am eligible for another raise this May… All this time I really felt like she did not know all the work I did and she in fact did. She apologized for missed opportunities but is very optimistic about the future and so am I!