Life can be good. Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that. It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?
Ziggy is doing so well. She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious. I love her dearly. I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.
I am 37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas. There aren’t words for how I am feeling. The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.
Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others. I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.
And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year. I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her. I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years. My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.
With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.
I am blessed.
There comes a moment when you can catch your breath and look around after struggling for so long. All I wanted was a live baby and I thank my lucky stars that I got her. So now I’m catching my breath and looking around and am having quite a time adjusting to my new ‘now’. I want to get my health in order for real. I want to get out of debt and get to the bottom of the motives behind my spending. I want some real direction in my career. I want to spice things up at home. I want a band of ‘girlfriends’. I want to live life. I want to go dancing and take my cooking to a new level. I want to drink martini’s and take a belly-dance class. I have so much to write and I don’t know whether to go private, password-protected, say yes to comments, or no to comments…I don’t know. I just want to write…freely and honestly…I need to write.
This has been the most delightful autumn ever. My husband and I have celebrated a wonderful anniversary, his birthday and Halloween with our little one. She truly makes my life worthwhile, purposeful and so meaningful. I am experiencing the world all over again through her and it is just so wonderful to do so.
I was able to take out an interest free loan to help my mother with saving her house and my step-dad got a wonderful new gig and will be making a lot more money. So they should have no problem with paying me back and securing their home in the long term.
We are now preparing to head south to visit my mom and family for the Thanksgiving holiday and Bigsexy’s family will be joining mine. I’m looking forward to what should be a roughly 14 hour drive.
Work is looking way up for me. My boss just put me in charge of filling an executive position for one of our more critical business channels. I’m truly happy now. Really.
Here are some pictures from the last few months:
4 Month Old Pirate w/Teddy
My mother may lose her house and when she told me I was a bit of an ass. She has been struggling with bills for several years and I just told her that maybe it was for the best. I spoke impulsively, really. She hardly spoke to me for the next few days. I finally asked her if she was upset with me and she told me that I hurt her and it’s like it did not matter to me.
Losing the girls has really changed me. I apologized and told her that I knew exactly what it felt like to hear the words maybe it’s for the best. I realized then that I need to remember that not everyone that I encounter will have lost so much so soon, as I have. It’s just so easy for me to let anything go after I lost my babies.
I remember watching a segment on a financial advice show where the host told someone that was on the verge of bankruptcy to just let the house that is weighing her down go and to rebuild. I still remember the quiet look of relief on that woman’s face. It’s like someone told her it was ok to stop struggling…to stop the fight. It seemed so freeing and I just wanted that feeling for my mother. My sentiment and wish for her were sincere and loving, my execution – hardly.
Thankfully, we are speaking again and I am in her graces once more.
But I never thought I’d be the one putting my foot in my mouth when it came to sensitivity.
Currently I am experiencing a whole smorgasbord of emotions.
I am so thrilled with my little girl…she brings me so much joy. Each. Day. Sometimes I feel like my heart could absolutely burst with love.
I worry about my grandmother who has been in and out of hospitals and doctor appointments with a heart valve issue. I am not prepared to lose her or say good bye to her. Yet, if her time on this earth is drawing to a close there is peace in my heart because God has allowed her to live to see her great-granddaughter and because she has lived a very full life. I have to give thanks for those things.
I was talking to my mother today about Ziggy. I was telling her about her sweet smiles that light up a room. She told me that she was meant to be. She will never understand why Daniella wasn’t; but Ziggy was. There has always been a sense of peace in my heart about Emi…I don’t know why. But Daniella? No…I wasn’t prepared to give her up. I don’t know if there will ever be peace, but acceptance? Yes, and I am working on that.
I miss my girls…Emi…Daniella…. God, I love them… Will I forever wonder why and what if?
Work is going well…very well in fact. My boss is suddenly my new BFF. I just don’t get it, but I finally feel like I am part of something. On that front, I have been getting a lot of calls about other opportunities…due diligence would be that I purse each and see, but I am so happy with the way things are going at work.
I have been working out and eating so much better. I am still eating my weight in ice-cream each week. (I just LOVE ice-cream). Somehow the weight is coming off. I am below my pre-pregnancy weight and really feeling beautiful and attractive.
My mother-in-law fell down the steps and broke her hip. We have really been there for them and all the monkeys are appreciative of our efforts. The mother-in-law and I have had some thinly veiled (and no-so thinly veiled) discussions on past hurt feelings and I feel like we are inching closer towards closure… (Perhaps because now she is the one in need???)
An assistant to Dr. Davis called me up recently to follow-up on my TAC surgery. I told her that it all went very well and that I had actually sent a thank you to him. She said that she was certain it was somewhere in the stack (STACK!) of thank-yous he receives. She said that he reads each one and then has them placed in the patients file. I love that man. LOVE HIM!!! I am a Cowb.oy’s fan for life, I hope they win the Supe.rbowl each year!
And finally…for the first time in eons I am looking forward to the holidays. I just thought they were a good reason to drink…they now mean so much more to us.
I really thought my in-laws were an insensitive bunch of spectacular monkeys. I really did. Yet today as our visit was winding down in their living room over coffee they started to chat and share stories about my nephews. They talked and carried on and told us cute anecdotes, and I felt like I hardly knew these children. Finally it hit me; I mean it really sunk in that they were just now sharing these stories because we have Ziggy. Others too: friends, colleagues and even some family members are now sharing anecdotes about the little ones in their lives. All this time they had all been holding their happiness in so as not to hurt us. Grief really tints the lens you look at life through. I really thought that a whole host of people were behaving like insensitive dipshits and I am only now realizing that many did curb their happiness for us.
I am not ready to excuse everyone and everything – because beleive you me my feelings were trampled a handful of times. Yet I must admit the truth: I am seeing things a lot differently now.
Since my last post I have seen my father twice; we slept over one night at his home and he spent last weekend at our home. On his second night here he met some of my closest friends and prepared a DELICIOUS meal for them. The first time he saw me he burst into tears and he is absolutely in love with Ziggy. He stumbles all over himself while trying to do and say all the ‘right’ things. While making dinner in my kitchen he was trying to teach me how to cut garlic up. I feel for the man when he isn’t driving me crazy teaching me things I already know. I am no longer a little girl and i’ve already learned many lessons that he missed making an impression on. He laments the past deeply and I tell him that all we have is the present and the future.
Ziggy is doing beautifully; she is all smiles now and she coos to her (and our) delight. She has had isseues with hearing out of her right ear and I have taken her in for tests and the specialist feel that the results are consistent with her having fluid in her ear as a result of the c-section. She is reacting to sounds and responds to voices so we are not terribly concerned. Tomorrow I am taking her in for another follow-up. I can’t beleive she is already 2 months old and almost 13lbs. I just fall in love with her more and more everyday and I thank whatever higher power and Dr. Davis for her.
Speaking of Dr. Davis, I need to let him know the outcome. But how do you thank someone for such a gift? Simply, I guess and from the heart.