As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable. I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.
Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it. My opinions were appreciated and sought after. Things were going so well…
I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June. I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s. I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day. I have my moments. Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time. I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant. I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute. There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.
With that loss I gained perspective. What had I been doing this whole time? Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt? I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah. I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband. I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles. The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.
It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed. My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC. I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process. They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again. It was a bittersweet reunion. He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide. By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me. Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).
We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock. For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back. It was a very hard and painful decision. Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.
It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again. Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.
While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking! I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.
The weightloss is going beautifully…i’m nearly 50lbs down. I’m at 48lbs as of yesterday. I can’t beleive it. I am so thrilled that I went through with the surgery. I’ve had no complications except for a stomach bug that led to dehydration. When you are eating as little as I am a bug like that can truly derail you. Still, I could have been drinking a lot more water…all in all it took about 3 days to feel like myself again. Other than that…it’s been pretty smooth and has been one of the best experiences and gifts I have ever given myself.
I need to take vitamins consistently, I need to excercise and eat more clean. It’s really been weighing (haha) on my mind to do so.
In other news we may be facing the possibility of bankruptcy. The shortsale, which we thought was behind us, has come back to haunt us. We’ve been sued for the deficiency. What does this mean for a buying a home in the near future? It saddens me…There is a lot going on…but for now i’m just breathing through it. Can’t forget to breathe…
Ziggy has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives…but there is still sorrow. There is still work to do. Our marraige took a huge hit with the loss of our girls. We just got through with talking this morning and it’s clear that my husband is now processing and working through a lot of pain and anxiety that I always knew he had, but not to this extent.
Things were HARD; and for a long time all we had in common was a lot of pain. I don’t think either of us bargained for all the work that lay ahead after Ziggy. We just wanted to get Ziggy here – safely and healthfully – and we got that. Yet we never looked past that goal because it seemed insurmountable, and we never thought about what came next.
So here we are at that ‘next’ phase.
The fire is out; we finally put it out. Now we are taking a look around…and holy shit…there is much to do.
Finances have to get in order….
Wellness and health must be moved out of the back burner….I’m looking into weight loss surgery…
Emotions have to come out – no matter how ugly- and they MUST be faced, and they MUST be processed and made peace with if we are ever to find some semblance of freedom.
We need to find ourselves as individuals….he has to go bike riding again and running and hiking and skiing…all those things he loved to do.
I need to start practicing yoga again and reading and dancing and cooking and drinking martinis with the ladies over bad and totally inappropriate jokes.
We need to do all these things…so that we can become WHOLE again and find ourselves again…and then find each other.
There comes a moment when you can catch your breath and look around after struggling for so long. All I wanted was a live baby and I thank my lucky stars that I got her. So now I’m catching my breath and looking around and am having quite a time adjusting to my new ‘now’. I want to get my health in order for real. I want to get out of debt and get to the bottom of the motives behind my spending. I want some real direction in my career. I want to spice things up at home. I want a band of ‘girlfriends’. I want to live life. I want to go dancing and take my cooking to a new level. I want to drink martini’s and take a belly-dance class. I have so much to write and I don’t know whether to go private, password-protected, say yes to comments, or no to comments…I don’t know. I just want to write…freely and honestly…I need to write.
My mother may lose her house and when she told me I was a bit of an ass. She has been struggling with bills for several years and I just told her that maybe it was for the best. I spoke impulsively, really. She hardly spoke to me for the next few days. I finally asked her if she was upset with me and she told me that I hurt her and it’s like it did not matter to me.
Losing the girls has really changed me. I apologized and told her that I knew exactly what it felt like to hear the words maybe it’s for the best. I realized then that I need to remember that not everyone that I encounter will have lost so much so soon, as I have. It’s just so easy for me to let anything go after I lost my babies.
I remember watching a segment on a financial advice show where the host told someone that was on the verge of bankruptcy to just let the house that is weighing her down go and to rebuild. I still remember the quiet look of relief on that woman’s face. It’s like someone told her it was ok to stop struggling…to stop the fight. It seemed so freeing and I just wanted that feeling for my mother. My sentiment and wish for her were sincere and loving, my execution – hardly.
Thankfully, we are speaking again and I am in her graces once more.
But I never thought I’d be the one putting my foot in my mouth when it came to sensitivity.
I failed to update that our roomate moved back to his home country last month. Having him stay with us worked out better than we could have ever imagined and it was bittersweet to have him go. He wasn’t a psycho, he cleaned up after himself, didn’t stay out late and was pretty considerate for the most part. We were good to each other and i’m sure that our agreement worked out quite well for both parties. He was with us for a total of 9 months and we all grew to get along and co-exist. With him leaves his monthly contribution which helped to make a dent in our debt.
Beefcake and I got our finances in order yesterday and the final number that represents our total debt is quite scary.
Add the $7,000 that we just found out we owe in taxes this year to said ‘scary’ number and it’s not good.
I also have Ziggy on my mind and childcare costs.
The worst part is that we had no business being in this position – I make pretty decent money and he makes even better money. I have accepted that we made stupid choices with our money and credit and here we are.
Still, I am committed and optimistic about reducing our debt. It’s going to be a long road, but it has to happen.
Once again I’m feeling very lonely. Beefcake is working late nights again. Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the diabetes specialist and felt very lonely as I was the only unaccompanied patient in the waiting room. I also happened to see the peri that placed my failed vaginal cerclage. (That’s one man I really don’t want to see under ANY circumstances.) I’m now pushing 27 weeks and the close of the second trimester which is amazing. Yet, I’ve been feeling very unsettled as of late and I walk around with what feels like a huge knot in my chest. I’m happy, sad, hopeful, nervous, worried, not worried…etc.
On another note there are sweeping changes going on at my husband’s job. He sat down with members of the new management and has asked for more money – which he truly deserves; even his boss told him so. There is a tug of war with existing management and he feels caught in the middle. He called me at work today and sounded as if he could cry – which, let me tell you is very rare for him. He told me that he realizes that he should have been more at home after we lost Daniella. He assured me that every late night away from me while at work was for us and for our future. Naturally I know all this – but it hasn’t been easy – we are going on 3 years of mostly late nights at work. He’s taking stock now of all that time working – sometimes pulling all nighters and he’s wondering if it was worth it. Now that I’m pregnant, our time apart is more pronounced – I’m falling asleep by 9pm on most nights, and he gets home after 9:30pm on most nights. You do the math. Thank God for the weekend and our time together, it’s what keeps me going. Maybe it’s just been a tough series of weeks emotionally speaking; as Ziggy’s viability rate creeps up (I think she hits a 90% survival rate this week). I just feel so lonely that I’m even contemplating a trip to visit my family next month. A trip with money I don’t have to spend. Awesome. If I go, I’ll have to look into restrictions on flying – which I think take place after 24 weeks. I may not even be able to fly. In that case it’ll be more fun times staring at Peaches and going to bed with a book.
As of 28 weeks I will be going in for weekly sonograms (bless their hearts) due to the gestational diabetes. So far, my blood sugars have been awesome – very few #’s over the cut off and even those numbers have not been too high. I will receive 2 sonograms a week – a bio-physical profile and a non-stress test until I deliver. I welcome it.
The nerves are bad now, I know you might be thinking just ‘shut up and be happy’ I know I would from the outside looking in. But it’s not easy. The anxiety is creeping in again. I could just cry. Again.