As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable. I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.
Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it. My opinions were appreciated and sought after. Things were going so well…
I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June. I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s. I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day. I have my moments. Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time. I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant. I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute. There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.
With that loss I gained perspective. What had I been doing this whole time? Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt? I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah. I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband. I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles. The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.
It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed. My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC. I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process. They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again. It was a bittersweet reunion. He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide. By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me. Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).
We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock. For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back. It was a very hard and painful decision. Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.
It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again. Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.
While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking! I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.
I have been home with Savannah for approximately 5 weeks and I need to return to work next week. I don’t know how. I’m going to miss her bitterly. One of the ways that I will deal with my feelings is to keep telling myself that I will work to pay off all my debt with my job. Once my debt is paid off and I have some dollars in the bank, my dream of working part time will be a closer reality. There is not one mom that tells me there won’t be sacrifices – whether professional or economical – but all of them tell me it will be worth it.
My recovery is going very well and i’m down 30lbs. I had surgery laproscopically(sp) and have 5 tiny little scars that have healed very nicely. I tend to feel weak when I do too much or have not had adequate protein…but for the most part i’ve followed instructions and usually have a lot of energy. I’ve also graduated to a nearly full diet. I’ve progressed from clear liquids to full liquids to blended and pureed foods (baby food consistency) and now meat and carbs. Bring on the meat! The focus of my diet is protein. I. must. get. the. protein. in. Several bites of food fill me up so I am eating protein only for now.
I still haven’t had a need to buy new clothes because a lot of the clothing I had was tight on me and now fits me well. I think when I lose another 20lbs I’ll have to buy clothes. The trick will be buying just enough to get by as I continue to lose the weight. I am really looking forward to it.
I must think about blogging every single day…yet I never find the time to do so. I must however because I have come to realize that it is one of the ways that I meditate and process all the competing thoughts in my head.
Thoughts…like the coin that Ziggy swallowed which landed us a trip to hospital…x-rays which revealed a coin in her throat…an emergency transfer to another hospital…and overnight stay…surgery the next day which inadvertently propelled the coin into her tummy and into a diaper several days later….sigh.
Or musings on my fun trip to Ohio to visit my girlfriend. Thoughts on the talks we had…the fun we had…the fun drag show we saw….the excitement I have over knowing that we will be partners in weightloss together…
Thoughts on the decision to move forward with weight loss surgery in Mexico very early next year…
Processing the idea that the home we invested so much in has closed in a shortsale and we are no longer home owners and adjusting/rationalizing the idea that it was the best decision to let it go for our future…
Writings about how I seem to be adjusting far better to my new role and added responsibilities at work…highly likely to the anxiety meds I am on again.
Recording all the wonderful milestones Ziggy is hitting…the words she’s saying…all her amazing ways…the way she greets her Daddy with repetitive hugs and miles of smiles when he gets home each night…
So much to process…so much to look forward to…
I never understood a working mother’s guilt. I just figured that it happened to someone that maybe didn’t have it all together…something vague. But now as I drop her off day in and day out at daycare I understand. When I’m told by others about her day I understand. When I’m told that she loves the sprinklers and “is really walking”, I understand.
Today, as I was signing her out I heard her cry. I rushed over to her ‘classroom’ and asked what happened. I was told that she fell off a ‘horsey’. I wanted to strangle someone – I know – ilogical. I know – these things happen. Still, I wanted to do so. And then I go home wondering if I would have been told about this had I not walked in and seen it. These are the kinds of scenarios that break my heart and have me wondering about her welfare.
It’s days like to today that I wish I could just turn my back on my job and stay home with my daughter so that a slip of paper or someone I hardly know will not have to tell me about her day.
I’m contracted to work for my job for 2 years…and it’s days like today that I hardly know how I will get through it.
I can not emphasize enough what a hard time I am having. I’m no longer an hourly employee and so am working well over 40 hours per week. My commute is about an hour each way and I don’t know what free time is any more. I’m constantly re-examing my previous schedule of 40 hours per week and can’t beleive how just losing an average of 90 minutes a day is really affecting my quality of life.
Worst of all is all the guilt I feel about not spending time with my baby. She’ll be a year old in just weeks and I feel like I am losing precious time with her as a baby. I don’t know whether I am exagerating or not, but I just feel awful about it. I feel like I have NO quality time with her at all.
Awful, awful awful.
I’m also feeling really down about my looks. I was discusing these feelings with a friend and she remembered on how high I was feeling after baby was born. It made me laugh to remember that I had actualy told her “I don’t know why, but i’m feeling mighty conceated”. I’ve just gained a lot of weight in the last several years, and my skin is blotchy from pregnancy and my hair is so dry.
My home is smaller than my former one…we have too much stuff everywhere, nothing is organized, there is always laundry to be done and stuff to clean up. I can’t find anything when I need it. Ask anyone who knows me…I PRIDE myself on a clean and tidy home. I just can’t keep up with it. Somedays I just say screw it because I’d rather sleep than clean a stove.
I just feel like shit – unattractive, exhausted and overworked.
One thing is for sure…I’m about to start my new job this Wednesday…but I don’t have a place yet. The bid we placed fell through…the landlord hesitated because of Peaches. It looks like we will have to give her up…there are few places that will allow her and the one place that ‘did’ seemed very hesitant. We jumped through hoops to get this place and she just decided to go for someone else. We allowed her access to our backgrounds and our credit reports, which all turned out favorably. She asked for references and she got them…
We just put in a bid for a place that does not allow pets this morning. I feel terrible about it. But what choice do we have? There are 2-3 people that are willing to take Peaches…people we trust or people my mother knows who she trusts.
Ugh. I don’t have a daycare selected yet because we want a place close to our new home and – oh, that’s right- we don’t have a place yet.
Hopefully things will turn around today…hopefully.
Last Friday was my last day at work with my now former employer. A manager asked if I was sad and I looked her dead in the eye and cooly said no. As a co-worker commented, I had checked out mentally when I gave my notice. The work became very flat and I was once again unchallenged and not motivated. I grew tired of asking for more work and greater challenges.
After giving my notice my former boss gave me the cold shoulder. I can’t beleive she was doing this to me again, after the way we made our peace at my review and everything was going so well. She must feel betrayed. She must feel like all that was said was not genuine because I gave my notice shortly afterward. But I couldn’t be bothered with it. The truth of the matter is that we all have a bottom line and mine is taking care of my family and hopefully finding fulfillment along the way. This opportunity promises to do that. How could I ever pass it up? Was I expected to wait until she was ready to promote me?
I had my exit review with her superiors and although I initially was going to abstain from being truthful about everything that transpired and was going to leave things on a happy note…her ‘cold shoulder’ attitude changed ALL that. I told them everything. I closed by telling them that she was not a bad person, but she was going through a tough medical illness and allowed other people to fill her in on who I was because she trusted them. Although it wasn’t how I planned things…I met wonderful people, learned a lot (usually the hard way) and in the end still would be a generalist so it’s all good.
I said goodbye to my two dearest co-workers. They gave me a nice lunch with yummy cheesecake and beautiful cards signed by many. As I was saying goodbye to one of them she cautioned me to take it easy and not to be overwhelmed by the move, the new job and the baby. And that is when I really lost it and cried. I told her there was a time that I felt that I had nothing to look forward to and now there is so much. “I know”, she quietly said as she cried with me. I’m going to miss seeing her so much. I asked her who would be the one to call me and let me know there were cookies in the conference room? This woman has a heart of gold and I told her to never change, but to remember that her way of being is a gift and not to give it freely, but to allow people to earn it.
That evening Iwent out with my other coworker and over drinks we discussed many realities. She said that the only reason I was never promoted was because the boss wanted to reserve that opportunity for her ‘pet’, the ‘one wo walks on water’ as she has been dubbed by many. I have always known this to be true. She told me that it was their loss and that this was a wonderful opportunity and to go full speed and enjoy it.
So that’s the close of another chapter; I am still so thankful I had the job. It put food on the table and allowed me health insurance for my TAC surgery that paved the way for Savannah. I was able to put training and full cycle recruiting under my belt and I learned a lot of lessons that shape me today.
Forward and onward…