Life can be good. Things can change. Nothing is static and thank God for that. It’s been nearly 2 years since my last post and I’m so glad to be writing again. What kept me away?
Ziggy is doing so well. She is beautiful, healthy, strong. Inquisitive and curious. I love her dearly. I can’t believe she is nearly 4 years old and about to be a big sister.
I am 37 weeks pregnant today with a baby boy that I will likely name Xavier Lucas. There aren’t words for how I am feeling. The old fears are not too far off but they don’t grip me or hold me hostage. I can dream and be happy and have hope.
Beefcake is doing very well with a new promotion and studying profusely for his licensing exam. He has kept our home together during what has been a challenging pregnancy that has left me fatigued in a way that I have never experienced with any of my others. I am very proud of him and joke (?) that we are nearly killing him.
And I, well I have found a terrific job and am about to make a year. I love my boss, she is amazing and supportive and there are not enough words for her. I am 2 weeks away from a planned c-section and emotionally far better than I have been in years. My girls are never to far off but I have an incredible capacity to be happy and truly glad and present like I have not in years.
With our bankruptcy nearly a year old now we are rebuilding with prospect of buying a home within a year.
I am blessed.
As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable. I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.
Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it. My opinions were appreciated and sought after. Things were going so well…
I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June. I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s. I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day. I have my moments. Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time. I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant. I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute. There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.
With that loss I gained perspective. What had I been doing this whole time? Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt? I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah. I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband. I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles. The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.
It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed. My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC. I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process. They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again. It was a bittersweet reunion. He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide. By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me. Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).
We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock. For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back. It was a very hard and painful decision. Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.
It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again. Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.
While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking! I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.
Ziggy has brought so much joy and happiness to our lives…but there is still sorrow. There is still work to do. Our marraige took a huge hit with the loss of our girls. We just got through with talking this morning and it’s clear that my husband is now processing and working through a lot of pain and anxiety that I always knew he had, but not to this extent.
Things were HARD; and for a long time all we had in common was a lot of pain. I don’t think either of us bargained for all the work that lay ahead after Ziggy. We just wanted to get Ziggy here – safely and healthfully – and we got that. Yet we never looked past that goal because it seemed insurmountable, and we never thought about what came next.
So here we are at that ‘next’ phase.
The fire is out; we finally put it out. Now we are taking a look around…and holy shit…there is much to do.
Finances have to get in order….
Wellness and health must be moved out of the back burner….I’m looking into weight loss surgery…
Emotions have to come out – no matter how ugly- and they MUST be faced, and they MUST be processed and made peace with if we are ever to find some semblance of freedom.
We need to find ourselves as individuals….he has to go bike riding again and running and hiking and skiing…all those things he loved to do.
I need to start practicing yoga again and reading and dancing and cooking and drinking martinis with the ladies over bad and totally inappropriate jokes.
We need to do all these things…so that we can become WHOLE again and find ourselves again…and then find each other.
The month of June was filled to the brim with celebrating: my cousin’s college graduation, Savannah’s FIRST birthday, my birthday 3 days later and our first father’s day.
I can’t beleive I got to experience so many firsts and witness so many changes in our little girl. She went from this squiggly little thing to this precious little child that has weaved her way into the center of our lives. Her smiles are infectious; her laughter like music and every new experience for her has become an opportunity for us to view the world in a different way.
We just got through with celebrating his first father’s day. It was simple…a trip to NYC for a quaint breakfast, good cappuccino and a nice leisure stroll. The city was slowly waking up and it felt like we had most of it to ourselves.
After we lost out girls we would walk the city in hopes of distracting ourselves from our sorrows. Here and there, he would look over at parents strolling their babies and I know how badly he wanted to be them.
Today he finally got his day.
This morning I gave him his first father’s day card and I told him with tears in my eyes that if I could have handpicked every characteristic of the ‘perfect’ father, I would have not even come close to the kind of father he is to our girl.
Not even remotely close…
There is such newness. There is so much to process. I never bargained for how difficult this transition could be. New elevated role at work, balancing a household, being a mother to my little one that looks to me for stability, being a wife to my husband. Somedays it’s too much.
Somedays I hope that I am not failinrg my baby…I wish could spend more time with her. I hope she knows how much I love her and how much I want to excel at being her mother.
It’s just been a hard several weeks…
Last friday as I leave the daycare center with Savannah, I received a clay little flower pot…purple with painted flowers and personalized with her little hand prints on it. It must have been the sweetest thing I’ve ever received. Its right up there with the Hope Diamond in my heart.
We spent our first night away from Ziggy on Mother’s Day eve. We drove a few hours away to Mohegan Sun and spent the evening together…just the 2 of us. He told me to just forget about work, the move and all our worries. Let’s just melt into each others arms and that’s exactly what we did and it was wonderful. We had cocktails and gambled and ate amazing food. When we were in our hotel room it rained loudly with much thunder and it just set the mood perfectly.
We were abel to reconnect in a way that we have not been able to do so in too long a time. We were either putting the pieces back together after Emi and then Daniella or we were panicked that something would go wrong with our last pregnancy…
The next day we had a lazy morning and we were back with Savannah and my cousin who cared for her the night before. We all went out for a Mother’s Day dinner which concluded the most fantastic weekend I could have ever imagined.
I get to be her mom, how great is that? I just look at her and I have my moments when I think of Emi and Daniella and I just go back and wonder what if? What if?….But at least I have Savannah and I don’t have to wonder what if? I have her and I am so grateful for that cute boogie-faced munchkin!