As I had written several months ago it seems that bankruptcy is inevitable. I have come to accept that and I am now in a better place about this.
Work improved much, in fact I was excelling at it. My opinions were appreciated and sought after. Things were going so well…
I had an unexpected pregnancy that I found out about in early June. I miscarried on July 2nd; the day after we celebrated Savannah’s. I’m so glad that it did not rob her of her day. I have my moments. Surprisingly, I did not fall to pieces this time. I was caught off guard when I found out I was pregnant. I was advised to wait 18 months to 2 years after my surgery before becoming pregnant….at the time I was hardly 6 months out….I was juggling too many hours at work…with too long of a commute. There was never enough time to blink, breathe….and then I miscarried.
With that loss I gained perspective. What had I been doing this whole time? Commuting and working long hours so that my pay can go to daycare and pay off debt? I was not spending the time I wanted with Savannah. I was not spending the time I wanted with my husband. I was not dancing, excercising, baking, reading…I was just on the wheel and going in circles. The miscarraige brought it all to a halt.
It look about 5 days for the miscarraige to be completed. My current gynecologist did not want to perform a D&C that was needed because of the TAC. I reached out to Dr. Davis…he offered to walk my doctor through the process. They did not want to touch me…the TAC intimidated them. Ultimately I went to see Dr. Davis again. It was a bittersweet reunion. He was so kind and he got to meet the baby that his expert hands helped provide. By the time I got to him…he felt confident that I would be able to naturally miscarry what remained…he did not have to touch me. Still, it was worth seeing him and hugging the man that played a part in the gift of my daughter (my husband does deserve an honorable mention, don’t you think?).
We in the process of moving back to NJ and resetting the clock. For all the reasons mentioend above I resigned my position and am not looking back. It was a very hard and painful decision. Yet, it makes sense for my family and where I want us to be to move back.
It would not be the first time I pick up pieces and start again. Strangely, I am excited about the changes that await.
While I’ve been home, i’ve been savoring these precious moments with Savannah, reading, working out and baking, baking, baking! I’m rediscovering passions that have not been visited in too long. I’m awakening the person I thought I was losing within.