I need a Cocktail!


I went off the deep end this weekend.  I was ready to be committed.  I think it’s my impending period – frankly I hope it is, because I refuse to believe that I can be this unstable emotionally.  I believe a lot of it has to do with the phone call I received last week from my former friend after her miscarriage.  She kept referencing my experience with losing the girls and it cut deeply into my emotions.  It brought all the ugly back.  My emotions really caught me off guard and I was in a bad place.  Then, the next day I got paid and as usual my check did not go as far as I had hoped and the baby needed things, and I had to ask my husband for help.  I hate to do so, he’s so good about it, but I really hate to do so.  Add to the mix that I want to make changes to the home – I want the home to reflect my new life beautifully and I took stock of all the half-done projects.  The baby has not been sleeping and so I have not been sleeping.  I’m grumpy and inefficient without sleep.   I really need to get out and have alone time.  But then I go back to the lack of money and I feel guilty for even thinking of getting out if the baby needs so much as a sock!  All of this conspired for a very moody version of me.  I just feel like I am in a pressure cooker sometimes.   Thankfully I am knocking out my debt, but I think that I’ve come to realization that I still need to pamper myself here and there – responsibly and within budget..  I can’t just work and take care of Ziggy and clean the house.  I need to get out and have a cocktail!

Yesterday, we finally got out to ChuckieCheese for my friend’s daughters birthday party.  Not too long ago, I wound not have gotten caught dead in such a place, but there we were!  We were enjoying cake when my friend asks me who is the little girl behind us eating our left over cake?  I realize that this child is not part of our party and I go look for an employee and let him know.  He went over to the little girl (maybe 3 years old?) and asked her if she wanted to go with him and find her parents.  Without missing a mouthful of cake, she barely looks up and shakes her head no.  He finally coaxed her to go with him and I wondered about her parents.  When we see him a short time later, we inquire about the little girl.  I was floored when he told me that he found her parents – stealing from the salad bar!  Awesome.  I looked at my friend and told her that we just automatically received A’s in parenting.  We may have our not-so stellar moments in mothering, but we’ve never done that!  The old me, would have had a total meltdown and hated the world.  This version of me just shook her head and felt terribly sorry for that child.

I’ve been feeling a little down about my looks lately.  I haven’t been exercising,  and as a take a moment to apologize to the residents of the state of NJ for eating all the chocolate – i’ll state that i’ve been eating like an animal preparing for hibernation.  My hair is acting up, my skin is dry from this harsh winter and with my last 3 pregnancies I developed the ‘mask of pregnacny’ and therefore have darker patches of skin on each cheek that I want to get evened out.  (But that procedure takes money!  So it gets placed on the back burner).  I just have not been feeling my sexy self and i’m hoping that when the roomate moves out at the end of this month that I can reclaim my home, my privacy to work out and my health.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

2 responses »

  1. Hey J,

    Just wanted to let you know that I finally got to your new blog! You sent me the link and then it got list in my email…

    Anyway, funds may be low and Ziggy may need things but it’s important to take care if you too. If you are neglected then everything seems to pile up and you get overwhelmed and stressed. Rake time fir yourself- take a bath, enjoy a glass of wine, light a candle and breathe! A well rested Momma is a happy momma. Take care!

    Also I wanted to let you know that I emailed you a few days ago just in case you didn’t get that email.

    Love to you,

  2. You go girl!
    I’ve been in a similar funk. I feel bad about myself, I don’t look my best and I’m not feeling sexy so I’ve decided to grab the bull by the horns and start doing something about it.
    I’ve also started making a point of going out to dinner once a month with my girlfriends.
    All of this has done wonders for my self esteem and I believe is making me a better mother.
    You have to take care of you before you can take care of anyone else!

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