Farewell 2010

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This year fulfilled its promise of hope and wonder. My daughter brings a renewed sense of wonder and hope to all of life’s moments. This past weekend we experience a blizzard here. I saw the wonder and amazement in her eyes as it snowed and I was overjoyed. Life has tested me and sunk me deep into despair, yet it has also brought her to me. There is a renewed desire to live and to experience…a desire to partake in life and catch up to the experiences that I missed while in despair.  I am so thankful for the following scenes my life:

Thanksgiving 2010

Thanksgiving 2010

Goodbye and farewell 2010, you have been good to me.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

5 responses »

  1. Well, I can’t believe how far 2010 has brought you. I have really enjoyed watching things unfold from the sidelines. I’ve decided to tell you about my journey as I immersed myself in your journey, I hope you wont mind my honesty. I feel like you have been an open book to me for so long, and I want to be as open and candid as you have been here with me, with us.

    When I first stumbled upon your diary, I was broken, sad, lonely, pissed, tired of being let down. I had just lost my daughter Ariana and I wanted someone to connect with, someone to cry with, someone to learn from and someone to acknowledge my grief. I never let you know it, but I was hanging on your every word. I cried every time you cried, I laughed every time you laughed and when you were pissed at your in laws and wanted to strangle them, I wished I could do it for you. I was investing all of my “baby dreams” in you and your “baby dreams.” And then it happened, you got TAC’d and you became pregnant and I got scared…….terrified, that I would not get there….that place where you had finally arrived, was where I wanted to be. And then I wanted to scream because it wasn’t happening for me. Then I became a resentful, because although I was THRILLED for you and your newfound joy, I no longer had someone to be sad with, no one to feel heartbroken for, we were no longer in the same place.

    I could hardly stand the emotions inside of me when I saw those first pictures of that perfectly beautiful baby and the look of real, open, raw, immense joy and fulfillment in your smile, Ziggy in your arms….alive. I could burst with excitement.

    That’s when the pity party ended!

    I have tried to become pregnant again, many, many times since I discovered your blog. And although it doesn’t look good for me, I do believe. I have enjoyed the ride. I have learned a lot about faith, and not so much faith. Patience and not so much patience. Real, raw honesty and REAL, RAW honesty…LOL. I am grateful to you for leaving your curtains wide open and allowing me, a total stranger to peer into your private world, the deepest recesses of your life. I have discovered things about myself that amuse me, impress me and scare me shitless.

    Thank you Jaded for teaching me about the TAC, for teaching me to grieve out loud, to be open and honest at all cost, to not take shit from anyone.

    Im not sure if you remember a conversation we had about the “women with happy living babies” women I pegged “happy bitches” You thought it was a funny term. Well, well, well…..who’s a happy bitch now?

    I am SO happy for you and your hunny and Ziggy. 2010 was very good to you, and I hope all of the years to come are just as good to you. I wish you an abundance of laughter, and I pray for many years of sweet innocence and discovery for Ziggy and that you can enjoy every single moment of her amazement and awe. God Bless her today and always. I will always continue to include Emi and Daniella in my prayers.

    It’s time for me to move on, my long painful quest in desperate search of that living, breathing baby has come to an end. I like to think that having you here to observe and learn from has made the blow a little softer, a little less shocking. I will be checking in from time to time. Mostly when I’m feeling brave, not so much when I’m sad and down.

    I have to admit that I’m sad to turn away from your blog, but it has become all too painful to follow these days and I’d rather concentrate on accepting things as they are for me now, “My New Reality” as you once called it.

    So thank you Jaded, thank you so much for so many things, more than you will ever know.

    Jules

    • Jules, I am sorry to see you go but I understand completey. It’s not easy when you are waiting your turn. The blogs of many others have gotten me through the worst of times. I’m glad that my words and my experiences found some purpose in your life. I am so so sorry that you did not get to parent Ariana as you had hoped. I’ve had to say good bye to Emi and then to Daniella…and I had real doubts that this day would ever come. Remain brave and remain courageous, choose to beleive that there is some purpose for this hard road we had to take. I will continue to hope for you and will carry you and Ariana in my thoughts. Please keep me updated on how you are doing from time to time. Thank you for your honesty, there was nothing that you’ve written that has taken me by surprise. I get it. I get it. I get it. It’s a hard road and we can only do our best…please update me when your future becomes bright.
      Biggest of hugs and I hope that 2011 is the start of a new and wondrous phase in your own journey.

  2. This is a beautiful post and a wonderful way to wrap up the year. I wish you all many blessings.

    Also I have to send many hugs and prayers over to Jules. She is not alone.

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