After I lost Emi and especially after Daniella I struggled to find meaning in their losses. I could not stand when in their attempts to comfort me people would tell me “everything happens for a reason.” REALLY? I thought. What good could possibly come about from their losses when I became jaded, biter and angry. I had become a shell of a person. In spite of all this I promised my girls that I would do something positive in the world because I would not allow their deaths to be in vain. I finally sent a strong message to the universe. Give me a child and I promise you two things: I will work to forge a better relationship with my in-laws and I will pay it forward by paying ($240) for a cleft lip or cleft palate operation for one child each year for the rest of my life.
I just bought my first surgery last week and I can’t tell you the joy and sense of closure it gave me. The loss of my girls will never make complete sense to me this side of eternity, but there is such peace in this moment. I love you Ziggy and I give thanks for you and each of your smiles. You are the most awesome and special person in my life. I love you Emi with every fiber in my being. I never got to hold you, I never even looked at you but I love you so dearly. And Daniella, my little warrior, the one that fought, the one that graced me with a few hours. You taught me strength. You taught me resolve. You helped me to find the warrior within myself.
To all my girls – I love you in such a way that words will never be enough. I never got to see Emi’s or Daniella’s smiles, but if the universe grants me a long life, I promise that many children will smile in their names.