Still Bitter


I was at the doctor’s office the other day and this woman comes in with twins and sits right freakin’ next to me – in an almost empty waiting room.  Her entrance was grand and a little exagerated in my opinion as she loudly expressed how difficult it is to juggle 2 babies in a double stroller into the room. 

“Who’s hungry?” she asks both babies in an annoying high-pitched voice.  When they smile or coo she laughs and looks in my direction waiting for me to join the other ladies in the room that are pandering to her.  I don’t…I don’t give in.  

Part of me feels like she is expecting everyone to be happy with her or for her.  Sorry lady, not everybody has a happy birth story to share, not everyone is as blissfully ignorant as you.  Yet another part of me acknowledges that I am very close to being just as rediculous with Ziggy as she was with her lot.   The only difference is that I won’t shove it down the throat of others. 

After my losses I felt (and still somewhat do) that the only way I could be connected to Emi and Daniella was through sadness, tears and bitterness.  I’m almost convinced that it won’t always be this way…but I still can’t quite let go of those ill feelings.   Those feelings have hardened my heart and my resolve and helped carry me through the worst of my grief and the lowest, darkest moments of my life.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

13 responses »

  1. Girl, I’m gonna say this with all the love in the world….but did you ever think that maybe SHE lost one or two or more babies herself, and she’s so damn tickled and thrilled with her twins, just like you will be with Ziggy, that she can’t help but be overjoyed and exaggerated, and want you other expectant mothers to share that with her? And not to mention, having young twins at home, she’s probably really tired….and it is difficult to juggle two babies in a double stroller into a room. In a few weeks you’re going to know how tiring and difficult ONE baby is at a time….remember her when you do. 🙂

    You’re assuming because she has those babies that she has a happy birth story to share, you have no idea what she may have gone through to get them .

    I feel like I’m nipping your nose and I don’t mean to be because as I’ve said a zillion times before, I have no idea how it feels to be you. BUT…you have no idea how it feels to be that woman either. Don’t just assume things that you would not want other women who have lost babies to assume about you when Ziggy gets here.

    Mama Julie stepping off her soapbox now.

    I love ya, darlin….and I am just trying to get you to step around the ball and look at things from a little different view.

    • Hi Julie,

      No need to tell me how you meant the comment – I know they are always well intentioned and I just love your refreshing honesty. This time I have to disagree with you – she was bordering on obnoxious – trust me. No deadbaby momma could ever do that. I think you would have chocked her – it was that annoying. Especially the way she looked at me – as if I owed it to her. I was like: um, no, the world does not owe you anything.
      Who knows – obviously my perspective is skewed to say the least and I do freely admit that I am still bitter…

  2. I hear ya. Some mothers are like that – I work with a few and I want to smack them each time they open their mouths. And these are even women who know I have a history of infertility and a miscarriage under my belt.

    What I do want – require – from you is this …

    When you are out and about with Miss Awesomeness and people do fawn over her (and they will), let yourself enjoy it. Please. It’ll be hard to not think how it should be Daniella or Emi, but please please try. Try to remember that you deserve to be the proud mommy of Miss Awesomeness and you do deserve to enjoy the happy smiles and wide eyes and coos of others when they come your way.

  3. Hey Jaded
    I read your posting in my reader and was heading on over here to leave pretty much the same comment as Julie. From my own experience, I’ve often wondered, when I walk into church carrying my miracle, or push her in her stroller through the mall, if I pass an infertile women, if she’s thinking those things of me and how quickly we pass judgments from a brief glimpse into someones life. I wondered if women would still think the same of me if they knew that I’d suffered through years of infertility and recurrent miscarriage before being blessed through adoption.
    I’m certainly not pickiing on you and I hope you see it that way, this comment is made with love and lots of it.
    Anyway, Julie has said far more eloquently what I”m trying to say.
    Lots of Love!

  4. I’m sorry you had to meet up with her. You would know how she acted better than me because I wasn’t there…..and I hope you aren’t upset with me for my viewpoint on it. You know I am only here to give you love and support, not a hard time!! And you’re right, if I were in your position I probably would have choked her. LOL

  5. there’s no going back, is there? blissful pregnancy just not an option any more after these kinds of losses. but i’m glad, glad, glad that you are weaving your way towards some positive emotions as a way to be connected to your daughters.

    as for twins mama… yeah. most of the babyloss mamas i know are VERY aware of their good fortune, and of how precarious babymaking is, and of how their behavior around their subsequent children may impact others. just no entitlement there any more. it’s a tough thing – people don’t know what they don’t know. and we live in a world where everyone assumes BFP = healthy baby and doesn’t want to think about any other possibility – for themselves or for others. just a little more awarenss and sensitivity would be nice. xo

  6. WOW! I understand exactly how you feel. I sometimes think being bitter and angry gets me through the day too. I feel like I cant laugh or feel joy without apologizing to my baby, I almost feel guilty for enjoying myself or experiencing a happy moment. One of my daughters “shadow” babies is due on June 18th. I have remained distant and disconnected from my friend because I resent her and her baby so much, especially since I was pregnant way before her and she is ready to have her baby and I just bought flowers to place next to my daughters urn. I feel the same way about mothers who act like they are “entitled” to our praise. I wanna scream, “of course I’m glad to see another happy, living, healthy baby, but give the rest of us a fuckin’ break will you?”

    Anyway Jaded, I understand how you must have felt in that doctors office but maybe you were too bitter to notice the looks of delight and sweet joy the other women were giving you as they looked at your perfect belly with your sweet, wonderful Ziggy snuggled safely inside. So, no matter how pissed off we are at the universe and every happy bitch in it, we have to remember that someday we will be happy bitches too…. I love hearing from you and wait anxiously for the arrival of that little girl who represents “Hope and wonderment” for so many of us!

    • Jules – I have to laugh! I loved the ‘happy bitches’ comment. And I know you and the others that have left comments are right, but the whole ‘entitlement’ attitude drives me fucken nuts!

  7. “The only difference is that I won’t shove it down the throat of others. ” THANK GOD! ha ha!

    I wish she knew what it was like to stand in our shoes.

  8. I understand what you are saying.alot of plus size women tend to have pocs and they never are able to have children so I feel bad being mom in front of a group of big women..however when Jaded is with me it helps because my kids look nothing like me and almost EXACTLY like Jaded so I let her take the heat…lol

  9. I’m just checking in… hoping you are doing ok and that sweet baby is baking well, and you are relaxing and pampering yourself! thinking of you!

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