Once again I’m feeling very lonely. Beefcake is working late nights again. Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the diabetes specialist and felt very lonely as I was the only unaccompanied patient in the waiting room. I also happened to see the peri that placed my failed vaginal cerclage. (That’s one man I really don’t want to see under ANY circumstances.) I’m now pushing 27 weeks and the close of the second trimester which is amazing. Yet, I’ve been feeling very unsettled as of late and I walk around with what feels like a huge knot in my chest. I’m happy, sad, hopeful, nervous, worried, not worried…etc.
On another note there are sweeping changes going on at my husband’s job. He sat down with members of the new management and has asked for more money – which he truly deserves; even his boss told him so. There is a tug of war with existing management and he feels caught in the middle. He called me at work today and sounded as if he could cry – which, let me tell you is very rare for him. He told me that he realizes that he should have been more at home after we lost Daniella. He assured me that every late night away from me while at work was for us and for our future. Naturally I know all this – but it hasn’t been easy – we are going on 3 years of mostly late nights at work. He’s taking stock now of all that time working – sometimes pulling all nighters and he’s wondering if it was worth it. Now that I’m pregnant, our time apart is more pronounced – I’m falling asleep by 9pm on most nights, and he gets home after 9:30pm on most nights. You do the math. Thank God for the weekend and our time together, it’s what keeps me going. Maybe it’s just been a tough series of weeks emotionally speaking; as Ziggy’s viability rate creeps up (I think she hits a 90% survival rate this week). I just feel so lonely that I’m even contemplating a trip to visit my family next month. A trip with money I don’t have to spend. Awesome. If I go, I’ll have to look into restrictions on flying – which I think take place after 24 weeks. I may not even be able to fly. In that case it’ll be more fun times staring at Peaches and going to bed with a book.
As of 28 weeks I will be going in for weekly sonograms (bless their hearts) due to the gestational diabetes. So far, my blood sugars have been awesome – very few #’s over the cut off and even those numbers have not been too high. I will receive 2 sonograms a week – a bio-physical profile and a non-stress test until I deliver. I welcome it.
The nerves are bad now, I know you might be thinking just ‘shut up and be happy’ I know I would from the outside looking in. But it’s not easy. The anxiety is creeping in again. I could just cry. Again.