Lonely & Happy & Sad & Nervous…and Not

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Once again I’m feeling very lonely. Beefcake is working late nights again. Yesterday I had a follow-up appointment with the diabetes specialist and felt very lonely as I was the only unaccompanied patient in the waiting room. I also happened to see the peri that placed my failed vaginal cerclage. (That’s one man I really don’t want to see under ANY circumstances.) I’m now pushing 27 weeks and the close of the second trimester which is amazing. Yet, I’ve been feeling very unsettled as of late and I walk around with what feels like a huge knot in my chest. I’m happy, sad, hopeful, nervous, worried, not worried…etc.

On another note there are sweeping changes going on at my husband’s job. He sat down with members of the new management and has asked for more money – which he truly deserves; even his boss told him so. There is a tug of war with existing management and he feels caught in the middle. He called me at work today and sounded as if he could cry – which, let me tell you is very rare for him. He told me that he realizes that he should have been more at home after we lost Daniella. He assured me that every late night away from me while at work was for us and for our future. Naturally I know all this – but it hasn’t been easy – we are going on 3 years of mostly late nights at work. He’s taking stock now of all that time working – sometimes pulling all nighters and he’s wondering if it was worth it. Now that I’m pregnant, our time apart is more pronounced – I’m falling asleep by 9pm on most nights, and he gets home after 9:30pm on most nights. You do the math. Thank God for the weekend and our time together, it’s what keeps me going. Maybe it’s just been a tough series of weeks emotionally speaking; as Ziggy’s viability rate creeps up (I think she hits a 90% survival rate this week). I just feel so lonely that I’m even contemplating a trip to visit my family next month. A trip with money I don’t have to spend. Awesome. If I go, I’ll have to look into restrictions on flying – which I think take place after 24 weeks. I may not even be able to fly. In that case it’ll be more fun times staring at Peaches and going to bed with a book.

As of 28 weeks I will be going in for weekly sonograms (bless their hearts) due to the gestational diabetes. So far, my blood sugars have been awesome – very few #’s over the cut off and even those numbers have not been too high. I will receive 2 sonograms a week – a bio-physical profile and a non-stress test until I deliver. I welcome it.

The nerves are bad now, I know you might be thinking just ‘shut up and be happy’ I know I would from the outside looking in. But it’s not easy. The anxiety is creeping in again. I could just cry. Again.

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5 responses »

  1. Honey, all of your feelings are absolutely normal. No only are you dealing with the loss of your baby, you have an incredible fear of losing another. I am happy that all is going well. My daughter died 26 years ago and even until the birth of my 6th grandchild have I been a worrier about the health and safety of my daughters and my grandchildren. That will probably never leave no matter what. I just embrace it and try not to terrify my daughters. Year before last my older daughter had a miscarriage and almost hemorrhaged to death. Needless to say, I never want to witness my child loosing that much blood ever again. I was even more of a wreck during her last pregnancy which ended with the birth of my little grandson Patrick Mason on 30 Jan 2010. I am blessed but always cautious. I am 26 years from the loss of my Grace and things still bring it back. It is like regrieving all over again. I really am fine. I just have my moments. God Bless You My Friend. Where are you going to see your family at. I have not been following you for very long. I look forward to hearing more. Positive energy sent your way. I have extra today and will share.

    • Thank you for stopping by and saying hello. I am sorry for the loss you endured yourself. You help to make me feel like these crazy feeling are normal and i can’t tell you how i need to know that. It’s just so hard to turn off the memories and the pain and truth be told it is the only link i truly share with Emi and Daniella and I don’t want to give it up.

  2. I am notthinking shut up and be happy– you have suffered so so much. The crazything about trauma is that when the thing you are most scared of doesn’t happen, the realityof what you’ve bee guarding against settles in.

  3. I think every pregnant woman experiences the same anxieties and fears, and especially when she’s lost two babies before this one. Youve earned the right to feel this way. But don’t let it control you. Look how far you are with Ziggy…further than you’ve been before. That in itself is an amazingly good thing. Try to focus your thoughts and feelings on this positive outcome, not the negative ones of the past. Meanwhile, entertain yourself when hubby is gone, and cherish the quiet times. In a few months those will be a fond memory!

    Now, let’s talk names. How about Fiona? LOL

  4. I have followed your blog for some time, but never commented. I just wanted to say that I think it is totally normal for your pregnancy to be a mixed bag of emotions. After miscarrying a baby during my first pregnancy, my second pregnancy became a scary “countdown” of benchmarks and viability statistics for me as well. Every week, day, and minute that the 2nd baby stayed inside and growing was so nerve-wracking until the second she was born healthy and alive. Please take comfort in knowing that you have people rooting for you and your baby. My best wishes to you!

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