24 Weeks Today – A Bittersweet Milestone

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Time slowed down between the 22 week period and today.  I had major stress at work, a visit to the ER, and was watching a lot shows on television featuring problem pregnancies – including one where the baby dies. (Don’t ask me why i’ve been watching shows like this on t.v.)   I’ve also been off the zo.loft for a week now, so i’ve been ‘going it alone’ in a sense.  It’s been hard and difficult but this is new territory today.  Finally. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about Emi and Daniella during this period, but mostly Daniella.  I lost Daniella at 23 weeks, 2 days;  her wake took place on the very day that I would have turned 24 weeks pregnant with her.  I remember desperately wanting to make it to that point and beyond.  But it was not to be.   I’ve been going back in time and wondering if I could have made different choices for both of them, if somehow the outcome could have been different.  I keep coming back to the same conclusion – no.  There is peace in my heart because we did our very best with the options at hand and in every moment our motivations were nothing but the most unconditional love.  Getting to this point has brought a lot of closure that I didn’t realize I needed.  Now I can breathe in and expand my lungs with the knowledge that this pregnancy is truly different.

I did not take any photos in my former pregnancies and so I will with this one.  I understand completely if anyone can’t look at them.  But I really need to do this for me.  So anytime you see ‘milestone’ in the post title you’ll know that a photo awaits, ok? 

Photos below…

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14 responses »

  1. You look great! Thanks for sharing your milestones. Everyday we each cross another milestone, but pregancy milestones are actually counted in a way that we don’t do anything else in our lives. Expectancy is in the front of you in a new way. I am glad you shared your loses and your gains. I don’t know anything of your story except what I see here. I will say a prayer for your spirit of happiness. From loss comes gain even if it is only is wisdom, we both know that wisdom is the greatest gift of all possible gifts. Wisdom is what will get you through this minute, today, tomorrow and every day that will follow. I have had a couple of miscarriages and a stillborn baby. I also have three grown children and six grandchildren. I was told to stop trying; I of course have never done what I was TOLD to do. God Speed Dear Heart!

  2. You look beautiful. I’m happy you posted pictures and are taking pictures. I only have two pictures where I look visibly pregnant and I really regret that. I’m so happy you have reached another milestone. I check in on you often. I think about you a lot. You are such an amazing person.

  3. You look great! Congrats on this milestone. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and hoping you are okay. Big hugs!

  4. I have the biggest tears in my eyes, for two reasons.

    You. Look. Amazingly. Beautiful.

    So happy. In face, even serene. And that brings tears of joy to my eyes.

    And then I get sad thinking you’ve been at this point twice and suffered tremendous losses. And I was really sad when you said you didn’t take pictures of the other pregnancies. It just made my heart break a little for you.

    So I went back and looked at these pictures again, and went back to the tears of happiness. I like those better. 🙂

    Keep ’em comin, sister.

  5. Absolutely beautiful!!!

    I look forward to more pictures. Really truly. Lots of pictures.

    I love the fact that you can – and will – be calmer with this little one. You’ve come so far and the strength you continue to show simply amazes me.

  6. i’m delurking to say that you look fantastic!

    i lost my girl at 20 weeks. hoping for PG #2 and hoping that when i get to 24 weeks i will look as happy as you do now! xo

  7. Jaded.

    I didn’t think I could look at the pics. I am very happy that I did. You inspire me. I have been following your blog for a short time now, but I feel so drawn to you and your story. I have two close family friends who are pregnant with “shadow babies” of my Ariana. We have had 7, yes 7 family gatherings since my miscarriage in November. I have NOT attended any of them. I just cant stand to see them or their bellies. I can’t even be happy for them. Isn’t that awful? I feel like such a monster for feeling this way.

    My due date is/was/would have been ( I dunno) how to phrase it…. anyway my C-Section was scheduled for April 9th. As the date approaches, I feel myself getting more and more depressed. I feel so sick I could just throw up. The agony is consuming me. Sometimes, I think I just can’t take it anymore. I’m so f$%^*& pissed and hurt and disappointed.

    Then I look at these pictures and I think of the possibilities. You look so pretty and I feel so hopeful, and my despair melts away.

    I guess I could have just said “thank you” for posting the pics! Sorry for the rant………..

    THANK YOU FOR POSTING THE PICS!

    Jules

    • You could have ‘just said thank you’ but i’m glad you didn’t! Jules, it gets ugly, i’ve thought some pretty fucked up things in the throws of grief myself. I have thought ‘screw you’, if I can live without my daughters, I can certainly live without you and your ‘approval’ of how I handle my grief. One thing that grief teaches you is that unfortunately a lot of people will ignore the horror of our losses and therefore we have to take steps to protect our feelings. Just be mindful of who you push away – if it’s family that is actively trying to support you I would let them know that you just need some space now but that you appreciate that they care. If they are being critical, well you don’t need them right now…when you are actively grieving.
      I found that as I approached my due date I was in terrible fear of how I might feel, but the actual date was never as bad as i thought i’d be. What I found more difficult was the anniversary of their losses, and even that was not as bad. I did simple things on their due dates – lit candles, held their ashes, I permitted the flood of emotions to overtake me and I tried to do something selfless in honor of them.
      Whatever keeps your head above water, is good enough. There are possibilities, there are options out there. This is your season of sadness and as crazy as it sounds you need to look it straight in the face and embrace it. When I lost Emi I did, but not with Daniella – instead I ignored it and pushed it away. About 8 months later I started to develop headaches, highblood pressure (for me) and eventually anxiety – I think this was attributed to not confronting what was going in.

      Thank you for you comments and I want you to know that I am holding you, your partner and your daughter in my heart.

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