Somedays I just wonder, is all this really worth it?  I struggle every day of my life.  Somedays I struggle to crawl out of bed.  Other days I struggle not to tear up when I see a baby.  Somedays I struggle to control my rage.  I struggle every day – and some days like today I just get fucking tired of it all.

I am currently working 60 hour weeks, just hoping and praying for the weekend.  Whatever for?  When the weekend arrives, I don’t know what to do with myself.  My husband and I are tired of the same old distractions – movies, eating out and shopping.  We are ready to share those simple pleasures with a little one.

Yesterday was his high school reunion and this is a juncture in life when you have no choice but to contemplate where you stand in it.  Everyone we met yesterday except for his old teachers (that are mostly Cath.olic brothers and therefore did not procreate) had children.  We got through it alright, but the precious souls that are missing from our lives were painfully missed.

I miss my girls with everything I have.  I am tired of bargaing with a God that I hardly speak to – and a God that seems remarkably absent from my life.  It is so pathetic – but I still bargain to somehow get them back.  Why?  Why did they have to die? 

I feel hollowed.  What is the point of this struggle?

Somedays I wish I could forget my girls – only to remember them in the hereafter.  What has the mememory of them done for me?  I am saddened, jaded, bitter and skeptical of life.  I am not who I used to be.  The spark is gone.

Somedays like today – I just don’t see the point of life.  Why am I still here?  What is left to do?


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

7 responses »

  1. As with all of us DB Mom’s I think that our stories serve a purpose. I think that our babies lives meant something and will continue to mean something, not just to me but to others as well. I still wait for the answers to come, as I do not know them myself.

    But I do understand “just living” to get by. Sometimes it seems you’re [I’m] barely surviving, just waiting til you [I] can lead the life you’ve [I’ve] dreamt of. I don’t know when that time will come for either of us, but I pray with all my heart that it’s sooner that we hope.

  2. I get this. It’s still hard. It never goes away. I am so hopeful for you, jaded, that you get to share your life with another little one.

  3. I totally understand where you are coming from. I just feel like I’m floating through life. I have a job I don’t like, I’m not happy with the way I look and my boys died. But lately, I’ve been looking at my husband and thinking, “he’s enough. He’s all I need.” I think, for me, right now, I need to focus on us. I know that my life will include a child soon. I know yours will too. I’m sending you big hugs.

  4. What’s left to do? LIVE. You’re not living, you’re waiting on something to happen…aka having a baby…that doesn’t devastate you again. That’s not the same thing as “living”. But what if (God forbid) it never happens? Are you going to continue existing the way you do now for another 50 or so years?

    Honey, I pray every day that you still have “parenting” as the #1 thing on your “What’s left to do?” list. Raising the child(ren) you will eventually bring into your life whether it’s biologically or through adoption or whatever method allows you to become a mom of a baby here on earth. I believe it will happen for you one of these days, and I will be here, high fiving and cheering you on when it does.

    BUT….until then, you have to get yourself in a good place to welcome that little one into your life. I’ve never lost a child and pray that my son long outlives me, so I do not pretend to know the pain you feel every day of your life. But what I do know is that you have to find the happiness and contentment you seek in your life…within yourself. It seems to me you are working too much and stressing yourself out over being bored in the down time. So change that. Do something different with your down time. Get involved with an organization that allows you interaction with children, and let them bring temporary happiness to you until you are a parent yourself.

    I know it’s hard for you, and I’ve watched you for a year now as your emotions go up and down like a lightening bolt. And that’s what grief is…it’s never a straight line from devastated to able to live with it. It’s a jagged process….up one minute, down the next, up one day, down the next, up for weeks, down the next. Stop struggling so hard to control your emotions. Let them out. If you need to scream, do it. Rage….do it. Cry….do it.

    And then breathe.

  5. I don’t have the answer and I wish I did.

    I have those days still, 2 1/2 yrs after losing our daughter. They’re fewer, they’re less painful, but they’re still there.

    I have a suspicion they always will be. Even when we finally bring one home, those days will continue to rear their heads.

    Because nothing changes what’s already happened.

    As your therapist said – it’s about learning to live with the grief instead of trying to get past it.

    In the meantime, get out. Do something. Anything.

    It won’t make it less painful. You’ll still have those days.

    But you’ll hopefully learn more about yourself, remember the other things you use to love to do (dance? act?) or discover new things you love (pottery? painting?).

    It won’t be a disservice to their memory or lessen what they mean to you. I promise.

  6. One thing Im certian of, from looking around at life and the many heartach’s people have, is that this life is specifically for us to learn and grow.I really dont think we are here to live a life that is all great.This life is all about getting through really heart wrenching times and in between you get a little joy here a little joy there.
    This life is a school a test,for what I can only conclude, to make us better in some twisted way,to make us more tender in some way,for us to appricate life better in some way.
    I remember a sermon I heard once about what trama it takes to bend glass the heat the pulling the shaping the harsh temputures it takes to make a gorgous center peice a finshed product brings joy and beauty to the eye of the beholder.If that glass had emotions how it would have given up way way in the begining because it is just to hard.Glass has no emotion but we do.Sometimes it is more than we can bear.The sadness zaps every amount of energy we have to keep plugging along..but I know..and you can count on this if you keep pushing even if it seems as though it takes forever if you keep pushing you will hit a place where you can breathe a sigh of relif.So many give up just before they reach a comfortable place.I see this in life with money.Money seems to come in waves for people.One year you are so broke,the next you have plenty of money.Life goes in waves just try to hang on.Remember so many people in life are dealing with the same hurt..Jaded you are in a great place here..People understand you TOTTALLY..Keep pushing my dear you are a very strong woman…xoxox

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