Honest Scrap Award


Thank you Martha for reading my blog, following my journey and considering me for the no bull shit Honest Scrap Award.


Of the following bloggers, a few already received the award, but I still think they should get it again, because I feel they bare a lot of themselves on their blogs about hurt, grief, struggle, strength, happiness/hope. 

Surviving Baby – She makes me wonder why I blog at all?  I should just post links to her blog on my own.  She thinks and writes things that I could have.  So alike.

47 And Starting Over – I don’t know her but I love her, she has the ability to make me smile and laugh at life.  She keeps it real.

life from here: musings from the edge – I have always admired her ability to express her sentiments.  Genuine and warm and heartfelt.  Something about her daughter’s recent arrival via adoption gives me hope, even though we have no plans of that route.

Sometimes It’s The Destination – Honest and genuine.  When we were both unemployed I became completely bonded to her.  We both started our new jobs within 1 day of each other.  I feel like she is my friend and she is real.

Still Hopeful – My blogging sister.  I love her candor and how she has shared her deepest loves with others in this community – Sam and Jack. 

Single, Bereaved, Broken and Tenacious – Unbeleivably honest.  If she isn’t worthy of this award, who the hell is?  She is giving Olivia a legacy – one heartfelt, breath-takingly honest post at a time..

You ladies rock.

The following are 10 honest things about me.

1. I have no sense of moderation.  If I try something and like it, I won’t stop until I’m sick of it.  Currently I am stuck on eating Indi.an food – I’m having it about twice a week now.  I am also stuck on the song I Gotta F.eeling by the Bla.ck Ey.ed Pe.as.   I listen to it about 100x a day while driving to to work.  Give me another 2 weeks and i’ll be sick of them both.

2. I think I had an out of body experience this past March.  I was sort of in a ‘half-sleep’ mode and I could have sworn I made out a human form across our bedroom.  I was in awe of it because it seemed to almost shimmer.  I tried to move and my body would not respond.  Suddenly my body shook slightly and I was sort of ‘back’, I guess.  The form was gone and I was fully awake.  Weird.

3. My feet are a size 11 and finding shoes are a horror.  I found a store recently that goes up to 13’s and I almost orga.smed.  I wish my feet were smaller – but then again I’d probably fall over as i’m about 5’9.

4.  Prophetic dreams run in my family.  I dreamt this horrific dream where my mother died and afterward I could not shake the feeling of impending devastation.  I lost Daniella less than 2 weeks later.  Within that 2 week span two people that we knew died as well.  The night prior to my calling my mother from my hospital bed to tell her that I was losing Daniella she had a dream as well.  A dream where she was trying to outrun a figure and no matter where she went in her home it appeared in mirrors and was always ‘there’.  She identified that figure with an omen of death.  She also got a feeling that ‘something’ was going to happen.  I unfortunately confirmed it for her the next day.

5.  After losing Daniella I resorted to shopping as therapy.  My husband had to work a lot of hours and I was home alone often.  This will seem odd – but I shopped for the future I wanted.  I would buy items and think to myself:  ‘This’ or ‘that’ will be in our home when our baby finally arrives.  That is part of the reason I got into debt.

6.  When my uncle found out that the baby was not his, I was secretly happy thinking that the next baby to arrive in my family to could still be ours.  Shameful, but true.

7.  I wish I had no back-fat.  I hate it.  I’ll take everything else with my body.

8.  I don’t know what i’m more of afraid of – losing another baby or never trying again.  So far, it’s never trying again.

9.  I secretly judge people when I see them with babies on the street.  If I see someone in a poor part of town walking with a large brood and pregnant I get so jealous inside.  I think they don’t deserve them or that they can’t proved for them like we could.  I try to remind myself that I don’t know them or their story, but most of the time I hate them.

10. At this point, to not deal with the genetic defect that gives us a 25% recurrence risk I would consider dono.r sperm.  My husband is not ready for that and I completely understand.   Sometimes I just think that genes are over-rated when I consider the spectacular monkeys I have for in-laws.  I think of my friend BigSexxy and Mr. Diplomat and how good they have been and I really think I could move forward with that plan.  But then I think of my husband’s adorable nose, and I think of how Daniella had inherited his ears and feet and I think it’s still worth it.

….and boys and girls….that’s my truth…


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

3 responses »

  1. You are an amazing writer – I love reading your posts and hearing what you have to say because it almost always mirrors what I am feeling. I hear you on the never trying v. never having fear – it really sucks….oh, and the back fat…I hate back fat!!!

  2. There are days I swear we’re cut from the same cloth. I hate my backfat (omg how honest can you be?!? lol) and I, too, hate just about every pregnant woman I see. Reminding myself that I don’t know them doesn’t seem to help. Although my feet are small. But wide. Like Flinstone feet.

    Thank you for being you. I’m honored you think enough of me to include me in the award. *hugs*

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