It’s BigSexy’s birthday weekend and Mr. Diplomat booked a VIP suite at a mo.tor sp.orts park. Currently professional motorcyclists are busy whizzing by and the ‘vroooom’ sound of their powerful engines are verberating through our room. They weren’t playing when they said the room was RIGHTBY the racetrack, try RIGHTOVER the race track – about one level. It’s really weird to wake up at 8am with the sound of those loud engines, but to actually be that close overhead as they race really does give me new appreciation for skill of this sport – one I previously overlooked.
Today is Daniella’s due date – a date that I will never forget. When I was pregnant with her I had such big dreams for her. I can’t express (so I won’t even try) how much I miss her today. I can’t express how cheated I feel as I playfully call my friend’s daughter ‘Monkey’ (she is the cutest thing ever) and paint her nails. She is about 5 months older than Emi would have been – had she lived. She is another one that never made it to her due date. But I won’t dwell on that.
Instead I’ll think about the new pots and pans I want to buy at ma.cy’s and the bed-in-a-bag special my husband wants to jump on later today or tomorrow. I think about my family’s plans to vist for Thank.sgiving later this year and I think of our plans to make love and hopefully make a baby this cycle. That is all my life has become – a series of distractions interlaced with persevering hope and dashed dreams.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

2 responses »

  1. Good job, babe. Distractions are a great way to aid healing. It doesn’t mean you love them less or are forgetting them at all, it just means you are “finding a way to live your life in spite of it”. (I will never forget that line from your therapist) Hugs to you today, my friend.

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