In the last few weeks I have neglected to write here for many reasons. Frankly the primary reason is that it is just becoming harder and harder to read about the successes of others – there – it’s out there. A number of other bloggers (several of which have lead me out of a very dark place with the losses of my girls) are now basking in the joys of new motherhood. I don’t for a second resent their success but gawd dammit I want to be part of the club already. I have more than paid my dues. So for any of you happy ladies out there – I am sorry I haven’t checked in as much or commented or stayed away altogether – but truthfully it hurts like hell to check in. I don’t know if maybe I am not a good enough person, or not mature enough or not as advanced in my ‘greif process’. I just don’t know, but what I do know is that you having been there and can understand. I am truly happy that you have attained your joy and I know that for many of you out there ‘joy’ came with a heavy emotional price tag. I think of you all often(and you know who you are) but my real thoughts are with the baby(ies) that you have lost – as they will always be. I thank you for your words of encouragement even when you could hardly muster the words for yourselves. I will check-in when I feel emotionally strong but for the most part I won’t be commenting. Why not commenting? Well because for one I honestly can’t relate to your new worries or concerns and because it bears repeating – it hurs like hell to do so.
I have also not been true to myself. I find myself censoring my words for fear I may offend others. Well, what is the point of having this blog in the first place? It’s my little slice of the web, my little haven and sanctuary and here I am foolishly holding back. Shame on me. I’m going to be real, and honest and unabashed and if I somehow offend someone…well…what can I say? Ahem…write?
I don’t promise filters, bells or whistels here. Actually I don’t even know when my blog became more about fulfilling imaginary promises to the 5 regular readers that comment and the 1.5 million lurkers on here and less about the promise to myself of a ‘safe’ place.
I am sorry if it seems I am ‘attacking’ people out there. If anything I am just pissed at myself for somehow writing this blog for readers rather than the author…which would be me.
I need this place – more than ever. I am still mourning Emi and Daniella and I am preparing my body, mind and spirit for the next baby.
So the only promise is this – on here you will find the good, the bad, the ugly and the incoherent. For heaven’s sake – can’t forget incoherent.