Lifting the Veil

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In the last few weeks I have neglected to write here for many reasons.  Frankly the primary reason is that it is just becoming harder and harder to read about the successes of others – there – it’s out there.  A number of other bloggers (several of which have lead me out of a very dark place with the losses of my girls) are now basking in the joys of new motherhood.  I don’t for a second resent their success but gawd dammit I want to be part of the club already.  I have more than paid my dues.  So for any of  you happy ladies out there – I am sorry I haven’t checked in as much or commented or stayed away altogether – but truthfully it hurts like hell to check in.  I don’t know if maybe I am not a good enough person, or not mature enough or not as advanced in my ‘greif process’.  I just don’t know, but what I do know is that you having been there and can understand.  I am truly happy that you have attained your joy and I know that for many of you out there ‘joy’ came with a heavy emotional price tag.  I think of you all often(and you know who you are) but my real thoughts are with the baby(ies) that you have lost – as they will always be.  I thank you for your words of encouragement even when you could hardly muster the words for yourselves.  I will check-in when I feel emotionally strong but for the most part I won’t be commenting.  Why not commenting?  Well because for one I honestly can’t relate to your new worries or concerns and because it bears repeating – it hurs like hell to do so.

I have also not been true to myself.  I find myself censoring my words for fear I may offend others.  Well, what is the point of having this blog in the first place?  It’s my little slice of the web, my little haven and sanctuary and here I am foolishly holding back.  Shame on me.  I’m going to be real, and honest and unabashed and if I somehow offend someone…well…what can I say? Ahem…write?

I don’t promise filters, bells or whistels here.  Actually I don’t even know when my blog became more about fulfilling imaginary promises to the 5 regular readers that comment and the 1.5 million lurkers on here and less about the promise to myself of a ‘safe’ place. 

I am sorry if it seems I am ‘attacking’ people out there.  If anything I am just pissed at myself for somehow writing this blog for readers rather than the author…which would be me.

I need this place – more than ever.  I am still mourning Emi and Daniella and I am preparing my body, mind and spirit for the next baby.

So the only promise is this – on here you will find the good, the bad, the ugly and the incoherent.  For heaven’s sake – can’t forget incoherent.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

10 responses »

  1. I get it! I feel the same way. It is SO hard for me to click on blogs that I have been reading for years only to see that they’re pregnant again or trying for their second. That kills me.

    i know they deserve their happiness- they’re worked so hard and given up so much for it, but I feel so left behind! I’m pissed at them for not waiting for me. That is a completely selfish thought but it’s the truth. I have been wanting to write this post for a very long time. I was in a funk a few weeks back and everything you have just said was going through my head. I just didn’t have the guts to spill them on my blog. Why? Am I coward? No, but I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings and I felt it would. I didn’t want to take my anger out on anyone in particular. And it’s not even anger, it’s sadness and fear of the unknown.

    I feel like we’re in a marathon and I have a gimp knee and no one will stay back and hold my hand and wait for me. They’re all running for their medals and they’re not slowing down. I feel like I’ll never get there. I know you feel the same and for that I’m sorry.

    But J, know that I love you and I think of your girls all the time. Know that I think of you and I wish you the happiness your heart desires. Know that if I were to get pregnant before you (if your dreams were correct!) that I would tell you first before spewing it all over the blog. Know that I would understand if you stopped reading my blog because I know where your heart is.

    Write for you and do what you feel is right. Thank you for your comment today on Sam’s birthday. Your words were not empty–far from it. I know you were thinking of Sam and that’s all I ever wanted.

    xoxo,
    Monica

  2. Honey, this is YOUR blog. Say everything or say nothing. It’s your choice. Your readers will either read it or they won’t! But it’s your place to vent in whatever manner you chose.

    So open your mouth, dammit. 🙂

  3. I read your blog to hear about you and your girls. That’s what I want to know about. You and I have so much in common and it’s so comforting to me to hear that you are going through what I am going through. Please don’t stop writing about yourself and never think that you need to write FOR me…I want to hear about you…

  4. Don’t censor yourself Jaded. Write what you need. And I get the ugly feelings. We have all had them at one time or another. I still get them and I am one of those you are probably writing about. Get it out. Purge. Vomit it. Just don’t keep it bottled up.

  5. I so could have written this myself. Even those I know have struggled along side me, know have lost more than I … I still have to fight myself to visit them anymore, much less leave a comment.

    I’m right there with you, stranger friend.

    Write what you feel, what you want. Like others have said – if someone doesn’t like it and doesn’t come back, that’s on them. THEM. Not you.

    I, for one, will come back.

    Because of you.

    Of who you are.

    Of what your heart holds.

  6. Once again J you are helping others in your time of grief..everywhere you turn and everything you seem to do, even in the darkest of times ,you always speak to people..even when you think you are making a risky choice by not holding back anymore you are being a voice to others ..I feel the same way that you do but in the sense that I feel like dammit when is it her turn,but there is a light at the end of the tunnel I see a new begining soon

  7. It is hard not to censor. Being in the opposite end of the fence, where we were fortunate to bring a new baby home, I feel like I should not mention her too much for fear of hurting those who have been so supportive of me during this past 20 months. I think this should be your place. Those who walk behind you understand it is not personal when you are angry waiting your turn.

    Big hugs—Love, Reese

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