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I have been fumbling with this post in my head for a long time.  It is a post about my faith.  I no longer beleive in the God of the Bible.  I beleive in a God, but not that God.  That was so very difficult to type out; it is not easy to slowly turn your back on your roots.

I have always found it  funny-and not in a humorous way- that ALL religions swear that THEIR WAY, THEIR PATH is the ONLY way?  Really, because their God came down in a cloud, or a spaceship or showed up on their doorstep to explain all things to them?  People really think thay have it ALL figured out – people really think they know it all.  I just can’t beleive that a loving God would drop you on this planet and only offer you ONE way back to him.    

In the Christain faith, (in all faiths, really) I have grown tired of having people interpret the same passages differently.  Yet based on ‘fluid’ interpretations very hostile things are done.  It’s ok to declare war, and commit terroist acts, and beat women, and enforce slavery and be homophobic (to name a few) just because you beleive a doctrine tells you so. 

I’m sick of it.  People get so bent out of shape trying to convert others and make people feel inadequate if they don’t.  For what in the end?   

What was my turning point? When I was pregnant with Daniella I was told by several church-going folks that she would be ok.  They did not tell me they hoped she would be ok, no.  They said she WOULD be ok – because God spoke to their hearts.  And I beleived them.  I shoved down all my doubts and figuredI was a BAD or defective Christain that maybe wasn’t faithful enough.  And then of course, anyone that has been reading this blog for 5 minutes knows that she died.   Afterward,  they told me that it wasn’t God’s will.  Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, much less a pastor to come to that conclusion.   But it just seemed so dismissive.  ‘We don’t always understand his ways’  was no longer an explanation but an easy out. 

Um…no.   Not that easy.   That implies that God was ‘wrong’ or a ‘liar’, or it implies that you were wrong or a liar.  Either way, you were wrong.  After Daniella passed, my faith tanked.  The last thing I wanted was to have anyone explain Christianity or ANY faith to me.  

They just don’t know…you don’t know…I don’t know.

After the collective loss of my daughters, I applied all the ‘hard’ questions that I asked of my self, my marriage and my relationships to my faith.   My faith – as I knew it – became a casualty.

The last thing I want anyone to think is that I am throwing a ‘tantrum’ of sorts because I did not get my way; i.e.: my girls.  When my world was devastated both times, I turned to my faith and I dug deep…and found that I could no longer shake away the doubts I long maintained.

I decided to search for myself.  I read the Bible and interpretations of it.  Slowly, I started to make way into New Age books.  Books that dealt with the after life and that offered a simpler more sensible view of life.   Books that contained more of an Eastern influence and that were spiritual in nature.  Whose teachings told me that my daughters weren’t just flukes or victims of bad luck, and that there is a loving God and a way and a plan.  I felt like a light went on in my head and it was all so clear suddenly.  The answers and the peace and the calmness that I sought/seek are already within me, waiting to be discovered. 

Do not think I am godless, far from it.   I just don’t beleive that we should simply accept what a guy (or woman) is screaming from the altar on Sunday.  I don’t think we should just accept what the Koran says or the Torah, so on and so forth.  What I AM saying is that we owe it to ourselves and our convictions to find our own path, to make our own interpretations and to come to our own conclusions.  In this way, you will find God, because you are searching for him/her.  ‘Seek and ye shall find’, right?

It has been said that we can recognize *truth* when we hear it.  I think it’s happening for me here.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

6 responses »

  1. I could not agree more.

    Organized religion drives me insane. I believe in God, at least in a Godlike person. I’m not sure Who that is. I feel I am far more spiritual than I am religious.

    Don’t be ashamed of your own personal truth, babe. You have to live your life as YOU believe, not what others what you to believe.

  2. I’m so with you on this. I’m not religious, in fact, I have been leaning towards actually calling myself an atheist. I think that if I strive to be a good person, treat others well, and respect and honor this planet, I will have a good life. This is great post, thanks!

  3. I love this post because I have very similar views on religion.

    When I was about 13 years old I approached my father after church and questioned his beliefs and preachings. I didn’t understand how there was only ONE god. And how the ONE God we believed in eas the Right God. It just didn’t seem believable to me. What about all those non-Christians out there. They still have a religion of their own. They have their own God. Were they wrong? Where they “going to hell” for not believing in the RIGHT God?

    My Dad’s faith did not faulter, he still believes he is RIGHT and his God is the only one. That’s fine because I think if you’re going to believe you should believe with your whole heart.

    But I still think there are different interpretations of faith and I don’t think it should be preached to you unless it’s what you’re seeking. I don’t want someone else’s thoughts forced upon me.

    People used to tell me the boys would live too. They spoke to God, they prayed. They believed they would be okay and they weren’t. I can’t be mad at them for believing that, but they were wrong. When a baby dies, they are not okay. I think it’s easier for people to make excuses or say things like it was “God’s will” or whatnot, just because it makes them feel better. Maybe they’re talking themselves into believing what they think they should believe.

    Okay, sorry for the rambling…

    • M, this is anything but rambling, I know you and I have discussed faith over the phone in the past and I have treasured those conversations. My uncle is very sick with Lupus and he is relying on his faith (in the God of the Bible) to get through it. Although I don’t beleive in it like I used to, I am glad he has an anchor. In the end, I beleive all these religions are about the same God. We waver – he/she does not.

  4. I’ve posted a few times about my views … which are very similar to your own post.

    I believe in God. A God. One God.

    But not the God of the Christian bible. Or the Jewish one. Or the Muslim one.

    To me, they all lead to the same place. The same God.

    But this world is full of a bunch of people who are more concerned with being ‘right’ than living life the way it’s meant to be lived. Wonderment, awe, love … those things are lost in the majority of organized religions.

    A friend I went to high school with is an ordained minister who recently started his own church. A church I’d probably go to every week if it were here (and this girl is not a church-goer). But that’s a story for another day … so anyway hah … we were talking about the church’s views and my comment was “whatever happened to being a good person just for the sake of being a good person?” Why do we yearn to be a good person so we can go to heaven rather than yearn to be that way because … well … isn’t it the way to be?

    I could go on. And on. Really.

  5. I could not have put my feelings and beliefs down on paper any better than you just did – my feelings exactly!

    We’re all behind you…


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