I have been fumbling with this post in my head for a long time. It is a post about my faith. I no longer beleive in the God of the Bible. I beleive in a God, but not that God. That was so very difficult to type out; it is not easy to slowly turn your back on your roots.
I have always found it funny-and not in a humorous way- that ALL religions swear that THEIR WAY, THEIR PATH is the ONLY way? Really, because their God came down in a cloud, or a spaceship or showed up on their doorstep to explain all things to them? People really think thay have it ALL figured out – people really think they know it all. I just can’t beleive that a loving God would drop you on this planet and only offer you ONE way back to him.
In the Christain faith, (in all faiths, really) I have grown tired of having people interpret the same passages differently. Yet based on ‘fluid’ interpretations very hostile things are done. It’s ok to declare war, and commit terroist acts, and beat women, and enforce slavery and be homophobic (to name a few) just because you beleive a doctrine tells you so.
I’m sick of it. People get so bent out of shape trying to convert others and make people feel inadequate if they don’t. For what in the end?
What was my turning point? When I was pregnant with Daniella I was told by several church-going folks that she would be ok. They did not tell me they hoped she would be ok, no. They said she WOULD be ok – because God spoke to their hearts. And I beleived them. I shoved down all my doubts and figuredI was a BAD or defective Christain that maybe wasn’t faithful enough. And then of course, anyone that has been reading this blog for 5 minutes knows that she died. Afterward, they told me that it wasn’t God’s will. Well, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist, much less a pastor to come to that conclusion. But it just seemed so dismissive. ‘We don’t always understand his ways’ was no longer an explanation but an easy out.
Um…no. Not that easy. That implies that God was ‘wrong’ or a ‘liar’, or it implies that you were wrong or a liar. Either way, you were wrong. After Daniella passed, my faith tanked. The last thing I wanted was to have anyone explain Christianity or ANY faith to me.
They just don’t know…you don’t know…I don’t know.
After the collective loss of my daughters, I applied all the ‘hard’ questions that I asked of my self, my marriage and my relationships to my faith. My faith – as I knew it – became a casualty.
The last thing I want anyone to think is that I am throwing a ‘tantrum’ of sorts because I did not get my way; i.e.: my girls. When my world was devastated both times, I turned to my faith and I dug deep…and found that I could no longer shake away the doubts I long maintained.
I decided to search for myself. I read the Bible and interpretations of it. Slowly, I started to make way into New Age books. Books that dealt with the after life and that offered a simpler more sensible view of life. Books that contained more of an Eastern influence and that were spiritual in nature. Whose teachings told me that my daughters weren’t just flukes or victims of bad luck, and that there is a loving God and a way and a plan. I felt like a light went on in my head and it was all so clear suddenly. The answers and the peace and the calmness that I sought/seek are already within me, waiting to be discovered.
Do not think I am godless, far from it. I just don’t beleive that we should simply accept what a guy (or woman) is screaming from the altar on Sunday. I don’t think we should just accept what the Koran says or the Torah, so on and so forth. What I AM saying is that we owe it to ourselves and our convictions to find our own path, to make our own interpretations and to come to our own conclusions. In this way, you will find God, because you are searching for him/her. ‘Seek and ye shall find’, right?
It has been said that we can recognize *truth* when we hear it. I think it’s happening for me here.