Anxious

Standard

I had my review last Friday, which went very well.  My boss’s only criticisms (if you could call them that) were that I need to work on my lateness and to have unemotional reactions.

To elaborate, if you are a minute late at my workplace, you are late. Period.  I have been late a handful of times in the last 6 months – and by late I mean 3 minutes and such; the most was 30 minutes.  And as far as the unemotional reactions, my boss was referring to the one-time incident in the warehouse.  She even stated that my response in the incident was not wrong, but perhaps a little passionate.  Other than that her review of me was glowing.  She said I was successful in becoming a true part of the HR team and that I was compassionate with employees and I had great follow-up skills.  She also concentrated on my training skills, stating that I am a cool and relaxed speaker and so on.  So I leave feeling pretty fabulous, right?  I am such a great presenter, right?  Well immediately after my review we were holding a longevity celebration (that I worked like hell on) for employees that have been with the company for 5+ years.  So I take my place in the front of the room by the door (thank God) ready to interpret everything that was being said by the leadership staff.  The general manager goes up and starts talking and I start to interpret and I find myself struggling to interpret.  Then a manger goes up and she is talking and I just felt like I was not quite catching what she was saying.  It was just becoming more difficult to…think.  I was standing under these hot lights and I had only eaten a banana for the day and…I just don’t know.  At a point of applause my boss gets up to do something and I whisper to her through the applause that I think I am going to be sick and she walks me right out the door.  As I am walking out I hear her call on my pregnant colleague to take over.  I really don’t know what happened there.  I just know that I suddenly became so very warm and flushed and I just felt like I was going to pass out.

 I just think there is a lot of anxiety here – the girls birthdays/death days that have come and gone and that stupid, stupid, stupid NICU invitation.  Last week I went for an annual pap smear; the last time I was at the gyno was for a post-partum follow-up after Daniella died.  I was literally trembling and I thought my heart was going to just beat right out of my chest.  You could add to this splendid list the difficulty with trying to diagnose my uncle and the fact that he nearly died last week. He was walking through wal.mart and suddenly passed out because he could not breathe.  I had just gotten back from Geor.gia and was already making plans to head back. Thankfully they have diagnosed him with a form of Lupus that will require maintenance drugs, but his doctor feels he can live a virtually normal life.  Finally, I will add my husband’s uneasiness with adoption.  Dude, I just want to be a parent.  Do I want to have my own genetic child?  Sure I do, but if that just doesn’t work out for us, I want to know that adoption is a real option.  I think I just need to hear that from him (and not through clenched teeth) in order to feel at peace with TTC and a TAC.  He is just not there yet, and I recognize it’s not fair of me to force him into that decision.  Oh, and I cut up my credit card.  Yikes!  One step closer to being debt-free.

 So this is where I find myself right now…

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One response »

  1. I would say that’s a lot to deal with all at once, so it’s competely understandable that you were exeriencing what I believe to be a panic attack. I could be wrong, but it just seems you were way overwhelmed.

    I’m sorry to hear about your uncle but I’m glad they’ve diagnosed him with a disease that is treatable.

    We’ve had this conversation about adoption and I’m sorry your husband isn’t there yet. Hopefully soon…

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