It took me an hour to get out of bed this morning. The thought of just getting through the day was depresssing…that’s all I do – just. get. through. I finally did however.
I go from inexplicably numb to having fits of tears and sadness today. My husband (and his colleagues) had to work today because of a 5am conference call tomorrow. Apparently, this client is godless. The husband felt terrible about having to go in and leaving me alone so he gave me the option: work today or yesterday. The thought of him and I, just staring at one another on this pathetically painful day just made nauseous. I told him to go on in. Before leaving he gently kissed me and whispered happy moth.er’s day.
On Friday, he bought me a beatiful flower pot that now hangs on our balcony. The flowers are drooping and the leaves are already weathered as a result of too much sun. I can’t help but think that they look just how I feel. I already know this will be an incredibly tough week as Daniella’s birthday/deathday are only 2 days away. I feel unstable. I feel like I am looming right on the edge…of I don’t know what…but I am.
Yet still, there is enough room in this little black heart of mine to wish a very happy and well deserved moth.er’s day to the women of this community that either beat the odds or stayed the course and finally ‘made it’. I wish a peaceful day to those of you that are mourning or hoping and praying that some happiness will find it’s way this year or next year.
And to those of you, that were looming over the cliff and slipped off; to those of you that are clawing to stay alive, to those of you that feel that every breath and every moment is an excercise in agony, I tell you this: The universe – that humourous bitch – that keeps piling the hurt and pain, will one day trip up and hand us happiness, even if by accident.
To you I say: stay the course.