bad week…


this week has been very bad.  just thinking of Daniella.  just missing my baby girls.  thinking that Daniella should be here.  this should be my year, my mother’s day.  i just booked flowers to send to my mother and grandmother and it should be me as well.  dammit.  last year, i went into labor on mother’s day for God’s sake…big sexxy has given me her z.oloft over dinner today….she happened to have it…i asked her about it… incase you didn’t know it – we are each other’s drug dealers.  in the past she’s given me muscle relaxers….and i’ve given her per.cocet. (left over of course – we are not really drug dealers, ya know.)

thinking of taking it…or maybe not…thinking of maybe ttc next month, so then the might not be a good idea…maybe i’ll take it.  please don’t tell me not to take it or to consult with a doctor…i don’t beleive in them too much…not since i told them last year that i thought i was in labor and they tried to convince me i was just constipated…

i am so sad right now.  

thinking of the poor excuse for in-laws i have…fools that are yet to even mention my daughters’ names…thinking of the long hours Beefcake works…thinking of the lonliness…of another pregnancy…tired of the madness…tired of the same shit day in and day out.  if you are looking for a happy post, you are truly out of luck!

less than two weeks until Daniella’s anniversary.  i miss my baby.

i miss happiness…


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

7 responses »

  1. I’m so sorry. I know what you are feeling, I just want you to know that you are not alone. I know you miss your babies, I miss mine too. I keep thinking that happiness is right around the corner but some days, that corner seems so far away. I’m sending you big hugs from North Carolina. I’m here if you need to talk.

  2. OK darlin, you can choose not to read this comment if you want, but I *am* going to tell you….do not take that Zoloft, for many reasons. It takes several weeks to feel any better, and then what are you going to do when you run out? Those things will fuck your emotions up far worse if you start taking them and then suddenly quit.

    Don’t Do It.

    Work on your depression by treating yourself better. Eat healthier. Exercise. Find natural ways to ease the pain.

    This IS your Mother’s Day. You are the mother of two little girls who sadly are not here. It doesn’t make you any less their mom! But instead of mourning their deaths, celebrate the short time you had with them. Celebrate conception. (LOL) Celebrate the positive pregnancy tests. Celebrate the first time you felt them move. Celebrate the love you had for them then, and the love you have for them now.

    I know I probably sound like I don’t understand your pain or your loss, and I probably don’t, to the extent you need me to. But I feel like I have to be your voice of reason here, reminding you that you have to go on with your life, because there is unfortunately no guarantee that you will ever have a child of your naturally. I wish there were, but there isn’t. And you have to get to a place where you can live the next 50 or 60 years without that missing piece.

    Happiness will come back to you, babe. But you have to look for it , even in the smallest things…..

    :::stepping off my soapbox now::::

    Love you, honey. Chin up and tits out. 🙂

  3. I’m going to be out of town on Daniella’s birthday. I just wanted you to know that I will be thinking about you and your hubby and your babies. You are an amazingly strong person who has been handed a terrible tragedy, not once but twice. Despite that, you have behaved with a grace that I envy. Life has not been fair to either one of us – this shouldn’t have happened to us – but know that I am happy to have gotten to know you and that your kind words and insightful comments have gotten me through many a tough day. Be kind to you as you honor your girls. Big hugs from North Carolina.

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