another fight with the husband this weekend…of course about his fucked up family. of course. after our last fight he was supposed to call his sister. it took him nearly two weeks. i got impatient…and of course we argued. in the midst of this argument i suddenly stopped and told him that i was through arguing about the same nonsense we have been arguing about FOR OVER SEVEN YEARS. i told him i was going to make active plans to move to be closer to my family and that i wanted him with me; but it would have to be his decision… NOT SOMETHING I ‘GUILTED’ HIM INTO. after a few tense moments he grabbed my hand in his and said he’s with me. i beleive him this time. and yes he finally did call his sister and she said she did not come to the funeral because he told her about it with little notice. whatever. I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND OF MY LIFE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY HIS FAMILY HAS ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN. (and i’m sure giving birth to a stillborn and a barely living child has not upped my rank) i’m.just.fucking.through. i wash my hands of them. i am going to look at this as a new begining for our marriage, because if this is not the begining it is surely the end.
so here we go. again.
this morning i looked through the girls stuff. i touched the molds of Daniella’s tiny foot and hand. i looked at the photos…i looked at Emi’s sonograms photos…i remembered the happiness i once felt. once. i cried for them, i cried for me, i cried for my husband and our marriage. i can’t tell you how much i cried. i feel so old. i feel like i am 500 years old. this grief and the turmoil with his family has sucked the youth right out of me. in it’s place is a very sad, embittered shell of a person. i hope to find a better version of me in the future.