second class citizen

Standard

another fight with the husband this weekend…of course about his fucked up family.  of course.  after our last fight he was supposed to call his sister.  it took him nearly two weeks.  i got impatient…and of course we argued.  in the midst of this argument i suddenly stopped and told him that i was through arguing about the same nonsense we have been arguing about FOR OVER SEVEN YEARS.  i told him i was going to make active plans to move to be closer to my family and that i wanted him with me; but it would have to be his decision… NOT SOMETHING I ‘GUILTED’ HIM INTO.  after a few tense moments he grabbed my hand in his and said he’s with me.  i beleive him this time.  and yes he finally did call his sister and she said she did not come to the funeral because he told her about it with little notice.  whatever.  I AM NOT GOING TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND OF MY LIFE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY HIS FAMILY HAS ALWAYS TREATED ME LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN. (and i’m sure giving birth to a stillborn and a barely living child has not upped my rank)  i’m.just.fucking.through.  i wash my hands of them.  i am going to look at this as a new begining for our marriage, because if this is not the begining it is surely the end.

so here we go.  again.

——————–

this morning i looked through the girls stuff.  i touched the molds of Daniella’s tiny foot and hand.  i looked at the photos…i looked at Emi’s sonograms photos…i remembered the happiness i once felt.  once.  i cried for them, i cried for me, i cried for my husband and our marriage.   i can’t tell you how much i cried.   i feel so old.   i feel like i am 500 years old.  this grief and the turmoil with his family has sucked the youth right out of me.    in it’s place is a very sad, embittered shell of a person.   i hope to find a better version of me in the future.

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7 responses »

  1. Several weeks ago on the History channel, there was a series about the 7 deadly sins. Originally there were 8 deadly sins and the last of them was “Sadness”. Sadness was a sin. Can you believe that? How can you help being sad. It’s not like a cupcake you can wallk away from, it’s an emotion that consumes you.

    I hope you find you. I hope you find happiness again- in your marriage and within yourself.

    • thank you, you are such a sweetheart. i guess the people that came up with sadness as a deadly sin had the same thoughts you had about it (How can you help being sad?) and decided to remove it.

  2. I’m gald that you and hubby have reconnected. I am so sorry you are so sad but I understand, I know what you are going through. It’s okay to be sad and angry. I’m sending you hugs from NC….

  3. Honey, you can’t help but be sad.

    BUT…and I say this with all the love in the world….

    You can stop focusing on your sadness.

    You have been dealt a shitty hand, there is no doubt about it. You of all people deserve to feel sad, to feel sorry for yourself, to be angry, hurt, bitter, etc. Nobody can take that away from you, even though many of us would love to be able to.

    But if you had a crystal ball and you looked into it and found out today that you aren’t ever going to have another child, you would be faced with two choices. Curl up and die…or go on and find a way to live with it.

    Your therapist said it best, and I have never forgotten his words:

    “You will never be over this. The goal is to live your life in spite of it.”

    You are not yet living your life. You are going through the motions, waiting for life to come back to you. But honey, nobody can bring that life back to you…but you. You have to make the choice every day…hell, every minute of every day…to be moving forward from your grief. I’m not saying you can or will or should ever forget your girls (hell no I’m not saying that!) BUT holding on to your grief and your sadness isn’t going to bring them back. It isn’t going to make this better.

    You are one of the luckiest women I know to have such a loving and supportive husband. That man clearly worships the ground you walk on. You don’t have to please his family…you just need to make him happy. Focus on what you can do every single day to contribute to your marriage, not contaminate it with your feelings of anger towards his family. Remember, he is in the middle of this, and he keeps choosing you (as he should). And remember too, that he’s hurting as well.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is this….while I will never understand what you have gone through, I do know that one thing you and I have in common is loss….sudden loss that uprooted and affected your entire life, and caused you the most pain and heartbreak you can ever know. I just happened to lose a marriage and husband that way, not children. But the pain still stays with me every day. His affair irrevocably changed who I am, and it took away the future I thought I had, and the life I had planned out to live. I am still angry and bitter and hurt. I see happy couples and I can’t stand it, wondering why they get to have everything they want and here I am divorced and single again.

    I’m not comparing my loss to yours, but I’m trying to show you that I understand how overwhelming it is, and how you eat, sleep and breathe it even when you don’t want to.

    One thing I have to do every single day, when I find myself getting lost in those thoughts of what should have been, what could have been, and what will never be….is I literally say outloud to myself “This isn’t helping”. That thought process doesn’t help me through the day, and while I would often times love to wallow in it, the fact remains that it doesn’t change a damn thing. All it does is keep me from having a good day, from moving forward, and from accepting my loss.

    They say “fake it til you make it”. Like you, I am a very sad, embittered shell of a person inside. But I am healing. Time does that. So until I really do feel like I’m “me” again, I fake it til I make it.

    Change up this damn blog, lighten things up from the black! Put yourself in situations that make you feel good, not bad. And most importantly, be the mommy those little girls would have had if they were here. They are still watching you, still looking at you as their role model. Show them the strong, amazing woman that you are and make them as proud of your struggle to live as you are of theirs.

    Now, get your butt over to my blog. I left you something that’s gonna brighten this place up around here. Oh, and I’m 2 hours from Akron. I will drive there for coffee if Big Sexy will block time out of the visit!

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