Therapy Session 4 – Major Vent Fest.


I went to therapy the other day and laid on the therapist a major mental dump.  We talked about adoption and moving.  He feels we both have our valid points and need to talk more about it.  Duh.   Next we talked about Drama Queen…a while back after Emi died she was supportive of me.  She had been trying to get pregnant for years and pushing 39, was worried about her fertility.  Then she became pregnant and everything changed…no longer supportive was she.

She would call me and tell me everything about her pregnancy.  When we hung out all she did was talk to no end about her pregnancy.  Then she did not come to our anniversary party because as she pointed out: “I’m so big and pregnant now, that I would not want you to see me and burst into tears”.   I swear to God she said that.  Needless to say, I pulled away from her because her support and compassion end (with a screeching halt) where her ego and selfishness begin.  There was more – far more that she said and did – but I am not in the mood to recall all  her inconsiderate actons.  She’s very false and a total gossip (as my husband forewarned) so I just pulled away completely.   Her husband (my husband’s bff) at some point told mine that he thought we were being a little to sensitive about this whole deadbaby ‘thing’ and it was time to get over it, because his wife got over her first miscarraige rather quickly.  GRRRRR.

Well dude not to um, take a closer look but your wife knew she was pregnant for one day and then miscarried the next day.  Then your wife gets pregnant immediately after and delivers a healthy little girl 9 months later.  Not quite the same thing – i’m not dismissing her struggle, but it is just not the same…

My husband did not say anything in response because he feels that it would have escalated into something more and risked their friendship.  My husband does not like confrontations, it’s not that he is afriad of them, he just feels that “that was not the time for that dialogue”.  Guess what?  Now those fuckers are free to think what they want.  It irks me to think that they beleive we are sensitive and can’t handle that they had a baby and that is why we pulled away.  (Why it bothers me – I wish I knew.)  The truth is we don’t really like her.  I would have just called it like it is.  I am not afriad to ruffle feathers.  I would have said your wife said a few things to my wife and behaved in a way that was not appreciated.  End of story.  You don’t like it?  Kiss it.

I’m terrible, right?  Or maybe evil? 

After my losses I began to take stock of a few things.  Just like my therapist says, people want to rush the process of grieving because they don’t feel comfortable about it.  You know what I say?  FUCK YOU.  That’s what I say. 

I’ll tell you what is uncomfortable: Giving birth to a stillborn and a year later holding your barely living child.  Having several specialists all recommend that I terminate my pregnancy with Emi with a clear conscience was as uncomfortable to hear in theory as it was in practice.  Being told that there was no hope for Daniella and requiring our consent to turn off the machines was just as uncomfortable too.  Signing not one, but two authorizations to have autopsies performed on my babies…yeah that’s really uncomforable.

In comparison, telling you the truth is quite easy.

Too think I have to live this horror show and then worry that my life might make YOU feel uncomfortable?

Well fuckity-fuck-fuck you!

My therapist’s advice:  We would all lead happier lives if we did just that: LEAD OUR LIVES.   I should not compare myself to others and certainly not worry about what they think. Easier said than done, but I am working on it, and realizing it and venting is a good first step.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

6 responses »

  1. Vent all you need to, that what this blog is for and that’s why we read it. We’re here to support you in which ever way you need.

    And just for the record, her loss, though not discounting it, is NOT the same. You have the right to grieve how you need to and just because they don’t get (and they don’t get it, because their loss wasn’t an actual loss!!!) it doesn’t mean they should criticize you.

    “You know what I say? FUCK HER!” 🙂

    BTW, I sent you a couple emails. Thanks for stopping by and visiting me.

  2. YEA!!!!!!! I like hearing this feisty voice of yours. HELLS YEA!! Vent vent vent….spew and spit…its GOOD to get it OFF your chest…and that is what a blog is for.

    FUCKITY FUCK the people that want you to grieve on THEIR terms, and FUCKITY FUCK the people that are not true friends. FUCKITY FUCK the unfairness of losing your sweet girls. No one NO ONE should have to live through what you have lived through, so no one should be able to JUDGE you in any way.

    Woo, that cursing feels kinda good! I owe our curse jar $6.25 though, cause I am trying to break the habit. ($1 for F bombs, 25 cents for everything else.)

    ANYWAY – KEEP VENTING. It shows you still have fight and fire left in you! I love it!

  3. That’s right, we need to lead our lives and not worry about other people. Sounds like therapy is going very well. I’m glad for you.

  4. People are stupid. It’s been my motto for years.

    I know it doesn’t exactly fit, but it’s better than calling people the names I’d like to call them.

    It’s insane that everyone wants to tell someone how to deal with something they can’t understand and have never been through. Yes, my miscarriage was early and, 2 years later, there are still days I ache more than I could describe. But I know it’s nothing like the pain you’ve experienced. Knowing how I still sometimes feel just shows me how there’s no way in the world I could ever imagine telling you (or anyone else, for that matter) to ‘get over it’.

    Ok … maybe they’re not stupid. Maybe they just need a punch in the eye.

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