Marital Differences

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Adoption is a touchy and tense subject with my husband.  It has come up on occasion after Daniella died and the transabdominal cerclage (TAC) became our only option for me.  I want him to agree to adoption if having biological children is something that just won’t happen to us.  I tell him that I don’t quite know if I am willing to have the TAC placed if he won’t go through with an adoption if all else fails.  I assure him that I will do EVERYTHING I can to have a child, and his agreeing to adoption won’t take away my momentum, but instead give me an assurance that I will somehow be a mom.   He does not want to adopt because he does not think he is willing to make the same sacrifices for a child that is not his, as he would for his own child.   Doing a TAC is a highly invasive procedure – yet another one I will have to endure.  What is he willing to do to have a child?  If he is sooooooo wanting to have a baby, why was it that I was the one that did all the TAC research?  Why was I the one to find Dr. Miracle and book the appointment?  After I bitched calmly laid out my thoughts he relents to adoption…through gritted teeth of course.   I remind him on how much he loves BigSexy’s daughter…what if she would have been placed in our arms at birth?  He would love her to pieces even if she were not ours.  Only then does his stance soften.  Needless to say more discussion is to be had on this subject if adoption somehow lends itself to be our only option.

Another reason I bitch?  I want to move down to Georgia where my family is because his family sucks.  When we were first married I wanted us to move and he worked to change my mind.  He convinced me that his family would be there should we need them and that he had a good paying job and good friends here.   He was wrong about the first one because (once again) his family sucks. 

The adoption and moving discussion have caused strife whenever they come up, but this last time we were livid.  That same night Big Sexy and Mr. Diplomat took me out to dinner so that I could bitch and vent   The moment I got in their car, it was “Hello”, followed by “bi.tch”, “bit.ch”, “b.itch”…. Once at the restaurant I felt better after a mojito and dinner and of course wonderful freinds that listen and care (and don’t want us to move).

Big Sexy and Mr. Diplomat offered to come over this last Saturday so that the four of us could sit down and talk openly about these issues.   But it didn’t happen.  Last Saturday I woke up in his loving embrace and we made love and watched the news and had coffee in bed.  Then we hung out at the bookstore and things were just so wonderful the rest of that splendid day.  So when our friends arrived that evening I gave them a knowing look.  Maybe we’ll chat another night but not this one, and they understood.   We played piction.ary instead.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

4 responses »

  1. those conversations are so very hard, and you each have to be ready for them. finding the right moment is a challenge. several times I raised the issue at the wrong time, after dinner and a bottle of wine, thinking it might be easier, but it was not and we’d end up in an argument and ruining a nice evening. it would make me even more cautious the next time.

    those are two big adjustments. take them easy and slow if need be. good luck.

  2. Luna is right, those conversations are so hard to have. Picking the right time…knowing when to pick the right time to have this conversation is crucial. Take your time with this.

    I think he’s in denial that the TAC could not work. So he doesn’t even want to think of having someone else’s baby. You and I both know that whatever baby makes it into your arms will be all yours, but men think differently and they have a hard time admitting their life plans didn’t turn out the way they wanted.

    That being said, it’s not fair for you to have to take the full burden of this load yourself. It’s too much.

    Hoping you find peace and a compromise together.

  3. I’m here! I’m here! LOL

    Yeah those are a couple of hard conversations to have, and you definitely don’t want to run the risk of ruining a good day with them. Maybe kind of let both ride temporarily…you’re just starting to heal from devastating losses (both of you, not just you….but is it awful of me to say it’s probably more you feeling the devastation?)…give yourself time to right your world again and then figure out the best time and place to have those discussions….

    Look at me, acting like I have any idea what I’m talking about. LOL

  4. I really do think men and women have this deep seeded, instinctual difference when it comes to children. My inner feminist screams at that thought, but I really think it’s true. I hear way way more stories about men feeling exactly like your husband than women. I can’t ignore the thought that maybe it really is inside us (most of us, at least), this mothering instinct.

    Mine isn’t that way about adoption, but he is about donor sperm. He’s perfectly ok with adopting, but completely against donor sperm (he has low morphology and it was something I brought up early on). I can’t imagine how I’d feel if he were completely against both.

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