Therapy – Session Numero Uno

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I am so very thankful for all the words of support I received about therapy.  Your personal experiences, advice and simple words of encouragement (when no experience was had) were very moving.  Some of you brought me to tears with your honesty, but everyone made me feel like I had just received a hug; truth be told: I felt all mushy inside.  With that said, I just want everyone out there to know that I was not ashamed of my going to therapy, but rather scared to death of reliving everything, which of course I did.

 

When I arrived Saturday morning I walked into what seemed like someone’s home.  There were two purple couches (they were actually a tasteful shade) soft music playing (jazz), the lights were dimmed and incense was burning.  The bits of tension in me just melted away; I actually wanted to take a nappy nap.  The psychologist was on his way back to his room when he saw me wondering around and I think I almost gave him a heart attack.  Good impression right?

 

He looks like the stereotypical therapist.  Late 60’s or early 70’s, plaid button down shirt, sweater vest, khakis, loafers, glasses, white hair and full beard.  He sits me down and asked me why I was there.  He took down a lot of notes (I gave him a lot to write).  I told him about how wonderful Beefcake is, how I can’t stand his parents, needless to say I mentioned the girls and my recent ‘firing’ from last job.  He was certainly taken aback by all I said.

Next my teens: Great student until I reached high school.  I cut class because most of the students gave me hell for ‘talking like a white girl’, because I was well, educated I guess and um, not white.  It was also an adjustment to go from  Catho.lic school to pub.lic school.). I made friends that cut also (no surprise), tried drugs: coc.aine and w.eed; smoked a lot and liked to get drunk.  Eventually, I got my act together and by the grace of God and a wonderful mentor in the form of an assistant principal who got me into the Princ.eton Revi.ew free of charge which led to a high S.A.T. score and a scholarship.  Had she not had a genuine interest in me, God knows where I might be today… It also didn’t help that my uncle’s drug addiction was at it’s peak and he would steal and have hallucinations and pick fights with me, no that was not cool.

Childhood: Wonderful. There was love and support all around.  My grandparents loved me to pieces and God Almighty do I wish that my grandfather, my Abuelito were alive today, he deserved to live 200 years not 79.  My parents separated when I was 7 but boy did they infuse in me that I was loved.  They never talked badly about each other in my presence nor did they fight in my presence.  My dad is not in my life (good riddance) and my mother is the same wonderful mother to me now that she was then. 

 

The lesson I left with: 

When people diminish your loss or act like it didn’t happen or harp on you for having genuine valid emotions it’s about them.  They can’t handle it (for a plethora of reasons) and rather than confront/accept/validate your emotions they must diminish the experience, i.e:

 

“You can have more…”

“You’re young…”

“At least you’re fertile…”

“Since she had problems (Emi), well at least she wasn’t born…” (HUH???)

“The miscarriage…” (Um, eh, no NOT a miscarriage – call it what it is – stillbirth and neonatal death assshole!)

 

And don’t EVEN get me started on these:

 

“God has a plan/a reason/works in mysterious ways…”

“It was meant to be…”

“If you pray this prayer/If you pray this way…/Did you pray often?…”

 

In the end, it’s far more about THEM than it is about you!

 

 

 

 

 

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

10 responses »

  1. Good for you for taking that first step. Were you satisfied with this particular doctor and are you going back? If you don’t feel a connection or comfortable, then find someone else. Because, baby, this is about YOU.

    I 100% agree with his assessment of other people. Sometimes it’s just hard to know what to say…I’ve never been in your shoes so I have no idea what, if anything, anyone could say that would make me feel better. I don’t think people are purposely mean or insensitive, but I agree that it’s not about you…it’s about them.

    Unfortunately, I do tend to say crap like “everything happens for a reason even if you don’t know what that reason is now”. It never has made ME feel better when someone said it to me!

    I’m just going to start saying “That’s fucked up”. LOL

    Keep moving forward, pretty lady. You’re doing great.

  2. I’m so happy that you found someone. It sounds like you like him? It can be so hard to find the right person to go through such personal things with. And he’s exactly right. It is about THEM and not you. My husband and I talk about this a lot. Most people can’t open themselves up to your pain because it will make them realize it could happen to them and shatter their world. There are other reasons too, but that is the one we focus on. You’re amazing and I’m always in awe of you.

  3. I’m so glad you found someone (even if you did scare the jeepers out of him hah) and that, even more so, you instantly felt comfortable. I like that he looks like a ‘typical’ therapist. He sounds almost fatherly in his looks. I hope that he can help you work with your feelings (note I didn’t say ‘through’ because I don’t think we’re ever ‘through’ with it).

    And you’re absolutely right – their comments aren’t about you. It’s all on them. Doesn’t always make it easier knowing that, but it’s the truth and one you can always hold onto.

  4. YOu are right, it is about them. We know what we lost and we know the importance. I think it some of those statements are made because some people have such a simplistic view of the world and what we went through doesn’t fit that view. And if they tried to understand it, they would have to abandon their view on so many things, important things like God.

  5. Whether or not you like the therapist (the sweater vest cracks me up!) the session seems to have helped. I’m glad you were able to open up to him and you felt comfortable in his little homey office.

    I’m glad you’re starting from the very beginning. Often times there are things from your past that come up again as an adult and you don’t even realize it. It’s hard, but try not to leave anything out.

    Are you going again? When?

  6. I overheard a manager say this today … and instantly thought of you ..

    “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.”

    I have no idea who he was talking to, but it was one of those holycowomg moments.

  7. I have to remind myself about that a lot. It’s about them not me. The friend who thinks us dbmamas are too anti-happy preggo women, well that’s her issue, not mine. My MIL who thinks I should be over it by now: her deal, not mine. If I am feeling rational and reasonable, I can see things very clearly. But most of the time I’m swimming in some muddled haze and I can’t help but feel offended by how others react/respond.
    It’s hard. But, you’re absolutely right.

    Glad to know the session went well, Jaded. I hope therapy continues to offer you some help. XO.

  8. I hate the miscarriage comment the most. I get this from doctors and nurses all the time. It just completely stings when they say it. My babies were alive!!!! Grrrr…and we won’t even discuss how other people “deal” with it.
    Glad that your session went well.

  9. glad you went. sounds like you had a lot to talk about. I think we all do, once we get going…

    hopefully you like this guy. if you feel for any reason like he doesn’t “get” you, you can always find someone who does.

    big step, jaded!

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