A New Year Awaits…

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I guess it’s time to close this year and I resist the urge to curse it.  This year started out with genuine promise; I tested positive and found I was pregnant with Daniella.  My husband and I were cautious at first, and eventually fell head-over-heels in love with our baby.   All the cautiousness and joy and hope in the world did not spare us any when she was born painfully early at 23 weeks and she went to join her sister Emi in Heaven.

 

All the things I believed and all the things that carried me through my first loss became hackneyed.  No longer did phrases like:

God does not give you more than you can handle

Everything happens for a reason

Prayer is powerful…

 

…have an effect on me.  Their meanings and comforts were lost on me.  The God of all comfort seemed distant.  How could I have picked myself up again after my loss with Emi and had the courage to try again, only to lose this baby?  The moment I became hopeful with each pregnancy, I lost the baby.  With Emi, a doctor told me to relax and trust this pregnancy and at 19 weeks I finally did. Only three days later did we get the news that something was possibly very wrong with her, and many things were.  With Daniella, only after I purchased a crib and changer did it all go to hell.  And so, I learned that the moment I have hope, the moment I expect good things, bad things will somehow happened.

 

This shook me to my very core.  Why have hope?  Why get up and try again?

It did not help that after Daniella died I was told that there was ‘restructuring’ going on at my job and that I might be let go.  And then when I showed my big guns and threatened a legal route as a solution (this smelled like pregnancy discrimination to me) a position suddenly (magically?) appeared…and then I was fired.

Fired, only to be home with all the time in the world to lament not having Daniella and not having a job.  Of course a deep sadness came over me while my husband was coping better (like most men do).  And I felt like I was being left behind…again…just like with Emi.

 

2008 somehow found a way to bring more pain and sadness than 2007 did, and I did not think it possible.  So here I am on the last day of this year and I am searching deeply within to be thankful for something…and I can’t…I just can’t.  This year broke me. 

I’m told that trials make you a better person somehow. How am I better?  How can I possibly be? I don’t see it yet.  Instead, I am fighting to not be bitter or sad or angry or feel like a walking target for bad things.  That is the truth.  I won’t lie here.  I won’t lie to you.  I don’t think I am ‘ok’.  I don’t think I am ‘dealing’.

 

I will tell you this. I am going to look into counseling to help me deal with all the hurt and the fear of future hurt.  And I am going to continue to be brave and to fight for the baby or babies that we want.  And I am going to take care of husband and take care of myself for him. I have cooked and cleaned for him and done the minimum as ‘half’ a wife, as a shadow of my former self.  I am going to make him feel loved again.  When we make love I will make love to him like the first time, because he deserves that from me.  He deserves that passion because he has been nothing but good to me and nothing but brave.  I am going to talk about a happy future with him like I already see it.  I am going to hold his hand and act like a real partner in this relationship because I have allowed this hurt and pain to take away my joy and to consume me for far too long.  I don’t know where I am going to find the strength and the courage I need but I am going to have to.

And my faith – which has suffered the most – I am going to work on.  I resolve to trust in God again.  This will take a lot of work on my behalf; it will take all my will and I will probably stumble often.  But after searching within, I remembered the true tenet of my faith: God is Love, and I believe that.  God did not want my babies to die; God resents every tear I have shed. 

 

And I have been self-centered. I have.  I have allowed myself to believe that I am a victim and the only victim of terrible things.  The reality of life is that terrible things happen to everyone at different times.  A divorce, or a terminal illness, or a foreclosure, or war, or famine, or genocide….those are all very terrible things THAT HAPPEN EVERY SINGLE DAY.  And I have allowed myself to go into this little bubble and just think of me and my pain.  Let’s be real, I have had a lot of tragedy bestowed on me in a very short period of time, but happiness can still be found.

Life is also beautiful, I hardly remember how to be honest, but I know at one time I believed it, because it was for me.  And when I did, that is when my husband fell in love with me. 

 

I can’t tell you how often in the last few months my mother and grandmother have cried over the phone with me. I can’t tell you how that pains me.  I can’t ever articulate how my heart breaks for them.  These ladies hardly cried when I was growing up with them, it takes a lot to see them even tear up, let alone cry.  They miss my girls, they wish they were here as badly as I do; they too pictured them here.  It’s just the enormity of my pain and the change they see in me that is killing them and tearing their hearts into pieces.  They want their spunky daughter and granddaughter back.  They want to see glimpses of her at the very least…Mom begs me to fight back and to have hope.  She swears she sees me with a baby in my arms.  I just need to hang on. I have to choose to be happy; I have to do my part.

 

It just can’t be all negativity all the time. And that is the trap that grief sets for us; the trap that I fell into.  Do you give in?  Do you just succumb to sadness or do you fight it – and keep getting back up, over and over – believing that a good day will come. 

I’ll be honest; right now I don’t know how successful I might be at all this.  I just don’t know.  But I know that I want to be happy again, and not just somewhat or a little.  I want to be truly happy and truly joyous – I’m talking bursting-at-the-seams happy here!

 

So I have been rambling on and on with no clear direction and no clear purpose.  I don’t even know how to end this post, much less what to make of this year!  So I won’t judge it.  And I certainly won’t overlook that Daniella brought us so much joy and she taught us that in spite of all the pain we felt with Emi, our little black hearts and our crushed spirits were able to love her so dearly and soar with wings we did not know we had.  And so my sweet babies – that I love so dearly – showed us that we are capable of finding hope and happiness again.  And for that reason I’ll give 2009 a shot.

 

Emi and Daniella – I love you so deeply – every day and every moment I just love you.  You both showed me that I am resilient and there might still be some happiness left to experience.

 

After all this too shall pass

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10 responses »

  1. Beautiful post. It’s so honest and I feel the hope you have. I sincerely hope 2009 is a better year for you. You have certainly born more pain in one year than most people shoulder in a lifetime. I wish you peace and happiness.

  2. Oh girl. I don’t know what to say to you. I sat here with big tears running down my face as I read this.

    My horrible years were 2004 & 2005. I lost both my sister and my father within 7 months of each other in 2004, and six months after my dad died, my husband starting having an affair and I got divorced. It was two years from hell, one life changing, shitty thing after another, and I never had time to mourn any of it before another loss would come along.

    So I can understand how you feel, even though our losses were not the same kinds. And all I can tell you is that you just have to keep moving on. One day at a time. One foot in front of the other. The only way around it is through it.

    I have no advice, no words of wisdom at how to deal with what has happened to you. All I will say is that of all the people I know in my blogging world, I pray most of all for you, that your dream of having a baby comes true…and I truly believe that it will. It may not be in 2009…but one day, some day, you will be a Mommy of three…just one of them will be here on earth.

    I wish you the best, honey, and hoping that 2009 kicks the hell out of 2008 for you. 🙂

  3. Hi, I just found your blog. I am so sorry for your losses. I am amazed and inspired by your resiliency and your spirit. I am wishing you the very very best for 2009. God bless!

  4. Oh J, this is such a painfully honest post. Beautiful, yet sad. I’m sorry that this year has been so hard and painful. I can’t explain why these things happen, no one really can, but I know it’s not God.

    It’s hard to understand and believe that these situations exsist to make us stronger, better people. Aren’t there other ways? ait’s hard enough being a wife and a mother, house keeper and cook, but when you add a DB (or two) to the mix, it’s almost impossible to maintain any kind of normalness.

    Your husband loves you no matter what you do, no matter the mood you’re in. He married you for the person you were and for the person you are now. You’ll find yourself again, hopefully sooner that later, and happiness will follow.

    Wishing you a better, less eventful, year my friend. Take care.

  5. Jaded,

    This post is incredibly inspirational. It’s easy to live in a bubble of self-pity (I’ve spent an entire year in one myself), harder to find things for which to be happy. Impossible somedays, actually. But. I know it is there, if I want to accept it. I know it is there.

    Above all, in 2009 I wish you some semblance of peace, and more happy days than sad ones. Abso-freaking-lutely. XO.

  6. this is such a beautiful, raw and honest post, jaded. I’m so glad you got this one out.

    faith, love, strength, grief, hope. each can be a struggle down this road. wishing you all the best in the days ahead.

  7. Great post. I total understand where you are coming from. I used to be a fighter, a strong person and now, now I just walk through the world, I guess, like you said – I play the victim. Here’s the thing though, no one prepares you for this. No one tells you how to handle this loss. You muddle through the best you can and like you, I don’t think I can just muddle through anymore. I need to be happy and you know, we deserve some happiness. I wish you joy and peace this year, my friend.

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