Just a rant…and a change

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So in the spirit of reconnecting with friends, I started making a few calls last week.  I called Karen from my support group and we will all get together sometime next month.  She went on to deliver a healthy son in July and has a 3 year old (such a sweet boy) runing around as well.   Her son wanted to chat with me…so he gets on the phone…and asks me if I had the baby he prayed for….no I say….he tells me that he will pray that I have another baby real soon.  Amazing how such sweet talk could leave me in tears, eh?  Good luck with prayers, I thought, didn’t do much for me…..

So anyway, I had BigSexy & Mr. Diplomat over and two of their friends this past weekend.  It just so happens that us ladies all have varying degrees of ‘badun.kadunks’ or junk in the trunk.  Mr. Diplomat, being a hardcore fat a.dmirer (FA), loves to talk about all things girth so he got us into some interesting conversation.  He asked a few questions, I’ve attached some with my answers.

How do you feel about the word ‘fat’ if used to describe you?  I think fat is an adjective, it just is, but if my in-laws used it (which they have, oh have they ever!), I have an issue with it.  When used by my in-laws it has been to describe me alright, but also to humiliate me.  So it depends who uses it and how.

How long did it take you to find your FA?  Umm, I never knew I had to find him, many more guys then those who admit it really do like fat girls.  Of course there are those who don’t, and that’s cool, but they are out there…some people act like you have all but discovered a whole new species when a guy or a woman admits they like bigger ‘portions’.

There were questions for the guys too, and here are answers from my husband’s perspective.

What attracts you to a bigger woman?  I don’t know, I just am. (I know, how articulate, lol).

When did you start to like bigger women?  I think I always did, I remember being a little boy and just loved the way a bigger woman felt to me, even then.  

How did your male friends react to this preference?  Thankfully, it was a non-issue.  I liked bigger women and they didn’t and that was that.  It was cool.

So those were a few of the questions asked and discussed and it made for lively conversation.  Then we migrated to the topic that pisses me off the most.

There are too many assumptions related to being fat.  The assumptions that you are lazy, unclean, not athletic and of course automatically unhealthy, are just a few.  I hate how just because you are fat, people feel they have to remind you, because you know, you might forget you are.  My in-laws….ahhhh….always with the assvice.  They have the gall to tell me to lose weight while they are smoking their box a day and drinking hard liquor every weekend.  And excercise…please…they never have.  Just because you are fat, people do not have the right to just walk up to you and tell you that you need to lose weight.  As if you’ve somehow missed the gazillionth commercial on television telling you just how not right you are because you are still fat.  Never mind that my cholesterol and blood pressure are well within the normal range, nevermind that I have no markers for future health risks, except for being ‘overweight’.  Nevermind that due to my losses, I have pretty much had EVERY test imaginable done.  I think I have a better picture of my health than the nearest asswipe that takes a look at me and feels they can tell me the state of my health.  It just doesn’t happen that way. 

I am pretty damn active, I don’t eat fast food, I eat veggies and fruit like crazy.  I bake everything, I hardly fry anything…etc.  I don’t drink soda and drink tons of water.  I do however eat a lot, I admit it, and now I am working on modifing my eating habits.   Ever since I’ve been with my husband (over 7 years), I have steadily gained weight – and a lot.  I am 5’9 1/2 with wide hips and big breasts so the weight has a way of distributing itself, so it looks like less.  Regardless of how it looks, there is no lying to my frame that I have added weight on it. Ironically enough, I picked up a lot of bad habits from my husband during our time together.  (You would think that his parents would have incorporated better eating habits into their kids, with all the unsolicited advice they give on health.) 

So what am I saying really?  Hmmm.  I guess I get very annoyed with assumptions. that’s all.  There are a lot of thin people walking around with terrible eating habits and with terrible lifestyles (hard drinking, drugs…), and with unhealthly cardiovascular systems due to lack of excercise, and they don’t deal with the shit and scruitiny that fat people do.  My brother-in-law, I love him, but there is no denying that he drank nearly a gallon of soda a day growing up.   My husband, along with his sister and younger brother, grew up eating virtually everything fried.  Yet because they remained slender, there was no scrutiny or prying.

And yes I know thin people that have to fight to stay thin through healthy diet and excercise.  And I know thin people that can eat me out of house and home and don’t gain a pound (like my cousin, lol).  And I know fat people that eat without discretion and don’t work out and don’t give a shit if they drop dead tomorrow.  And there are fat people like me that are moderately active and mindful of what they eat but WILL give in to indulgence.  All of these people described are widely different.  All of these people however, deserve the respect to live their lives however the hell they want to live them.

Vent over.  Thanks 🙂

Having ‘said’ all that, I have decided to shed some weight.  I’m thinking 50lbs, I hate putting numbers on things, but it helps with the goal.  I want to lose weight, not for health reasons, because by every barometer of health I am healthy.  I want to lose weight because I saw pictures of myself from four years ago and I miss what I saw.  And because if I keep gaining the way I have, four years from now I may not be as healthy.  Weight gain really is a sneaky bitch.  When I met my husband I was doing all these diets and gaining and losing and gaining more and losing less.  And then I just stopped the bullshit diets and for the first time in many years my weight stabalized itself.  So for the last three years, even with the pregnancies and losses and resulting depressions, my weight has remained virtually the same.  So I am going to go a step beyond maintaining and venture on to losing weight.   And guess what?  I am not losing weight because of my in-laws, or because of my husband, or because of the latest commercial I have seen.  I am doing this for me, and slow as the progress may be this is a lifelong change I am committing to.  I don’t want to be thin, it’s just not for me…I want to stay curvy but lose the love handles.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

5 responses »

  1. “I don’t want to be thin, it’s just not for me…I want to stay curvy but lose the love handles.”

    Can I just say, you are fabulous? Honestly. I read that line you wrote and thought “Yes!!!!” I’d like to lose 50 lbs myself, because I’m not as healthy as I should be, but I agree..I’m good with curves.

    Now, how do I find one of these hot guys who like a “healthy” girl like me??? 🙂

  2. I’m with the curves, too. Super thin women, to me, aren’t attractive. Luckily, they’re not attractive to my husband either hah I could stand to lose 50lbs. Having a large chest means I tend to wear baggy shirts, which hide my big belly for the most part. But my face and arms? Gah. Chipmunk. My legs I want to keep, though. I have nice legs.

    I say good for you. Any time you’re going to do something – lose weight, stop smoking, etc … – you should always do it for yourself and never to please anyone else. And since you’re doing it for yourself, for whatever reason, I think you’ll do well at it.

  3. I love how you talk about your body. I wish I could make friends with my fat. I don’t mind being goddess shaped, but I also see old pix and think I looked healthier then. I think I’d feel a little better if I lost some weight too. it’s just so hard.

  4. I love how confident you are – I really admire that! Keep us posted on your “getting back to the you that you want to be” efforts!

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