I had an interview yesterday for a Human Resources position that went very well. After the interview I phoned Beefcake and told him that I did so well in fact, that if I didn’t get a call back or hired, I would like to shake the hand of the person who does! While filling out the application I was requested to add the names of three individuals that are neither relatives or colleagues as a reference. That pretty much leaves friends only. Except I have none. Isn’t that sad? But it’s true. I have none. I did have them though.
But after a string of insensitive comments or tough situations I have none. Just BigSexy. A few reasons why: One ‘friend’ told me that she did not want to come to my party (about a year ago) because she was “so big and pregnant, that she did not want me to see her and break into tears”. Yes, she did. I swear she said that. Others, I can’t blame for being pregnant, or being due around one of my babies due dates, or having showers, or being on their second baby….etc. It’s not them, it’s just that the pain is so pervasive I need few reminders. I try to be strong, but I just can’t handle it at times.
And forget making new friends, this grief thing has made making friends nearly impossible for me. I am really not a lot of fun these days, and at times I feel that you need to have gone through some great tragedy to keep my attention, let alone an ongoing friendship. Yep, it’s out there now, now you all know what a bitter bitch i’ve become. Such a lonely bitch too. Yet I don’t know if I want to change things. I don’t think I want to make the effort to care. But yet, I must care on some level if i’m writing about it? And so I am left feeling very numb, with yet another reminder (in a string of many) of just how different I have become from whom I used to be.
I was a party waiting to happen. Never turning down a chance for fun…enjoying cocktails on the weekends with friends…dancing at all the clubs in NYC and flirting too much. (I swear, I had Beefcake going crazy until we went steady). Skinny-dipping. Check. Last minute trips to Vegas. Check. Going to gay clubs in NYC on Sundays and making it to work on Monday (on time mind you). Check. I was so busy. I had such a life. I had ‘workfriends’ and ‘schoolfriends’ and his friends and my friends. I remember we would complain that we had ‘something’ every weekend. A BBQ, a wedding, a dinner, a brunch. So many people wanted us in their lives. Not so much now.
I hate this person whom I have become, this delicate basketcase. I just want my old life back, if not my girls, then i’ll just take ME please.
By the way, I got a callback!