It’s NOT Fair


Daniella’s due date is upon me and it’s all I can bear.  Last night I took a walk with Peaches to clear my head.  For a moment I felt excited to live my life again, excited for a future with a child and a career.  This week we officially started ttc again.  And if it fails this month I won’t be as gracious as I was last month because I was technically not trying then. 

I may not have mentioned that when I was attending my support group (religiously) I met a couple – Karen and Neal.  They have a 3 year old son, and had since suffered two miscarraiges at 8 weeks each.  Slowly a genuine friendship developed and Karen and I found ourselves pregnant with her about 6 weeks ahead of me.  I can’t tell you how happy we were – all of us.  We’d get together at our respective homes for football games or bbq’s.  They would give us tips and Karen and I would compare notes.  Well thankfully she did not lose her child; she gave birth to a healthy son this past July.  I am yet to congratulate them.  

We had more than pregnancies in common, as Neal absolutely hated his job too.  He called the other night to tell us that he offered his employer the opportunity to let him resign in exchange for a settlement including his salariy be paid through the end of the year.  His employer accepted.  He is now free to pursue his dream, which is wedding photograpy; he used to work in IT.

I had a fit.  I locked myself up in my bedroom and just cried and listened to music while looking at Daniella’s photos.  Just 4 months ago we were just like Neal and Karen.  Reeling from loss, pregnant with hope, hating our jobs.  And suddenly they have it all and I have…well…I won’t say nothing (I have Beefcake), but I no longer have a job or a baby.  How did this happen?  I still can’t beleive this is my life.  It is so sad.

I thought I’d post a picture of our Peaches and a hookah pipe that my husband purchased last week along with some peach flavored tobacco.  We’ve been having a lot of fun using it, all I need is the magic lamp with a genie included (and the 3 wishes) and it’s alll good.



10 responses »

  1. Love the hookah. My 17 year old son turned me on to it….

    Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. I know this is a very difficult time for you, and I’m just sending you a big old cyber hug today.

  2. my three wishes would be, AHEM:

    guaranteed healthy babies! no bullshit odds or freak outcomes. no. more. dead. babies.

    winning a lottery of over 200 million so that i could become a philanthropist

    no. more. dead. babies. ever.

  3. I would wish for the same things. I am sorry, it’s not fair. Maybe you will feel better if you break some dishes? I have done that on occasion and the sound of shattering ceramic makes me feel good. Yes, I know I am weird, or maybe have an anger problem!

  4. Hey jaded…just stopping over from L & F to let you know that I’m so sad that you’ve had to endure all of this *crap.* My younger sister is due about 3 weeks before my unfufilled due date (December 15th). I can’t even bring myself to attend her baby shower. Sending you thoughts, prayers and *hugs.*

  5. Sending you a lot of love. No woman should go through this once, let alone twice.

    You have demonstrated tremendous strength and courage—even in moments like this is it so obvious to those who read your words.

    Walking silently by you—


  6. CLC,

    Rather than break dishes, perhaps i’ll bash in the heads of my in-laws for all their ASSvice and comments; if you think the sound of ceramic breaking makes you weird than perhaps the sounds of skulls cracking may make me uniquely sadistic. 🙂


    Thank you, I *feel* the love, really. I needed that. 🙂

  7. you’re right, it’s not fair. that’s one of life’s cruelest lessons I’d rather not have learned the hard way.

    love the pic of peaches, and cool hookah too!

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