Whirlwind of Thoughts & Emotions


lots of shit on my mind:

my husband and i had unprotected sex during this cycle.  he thinks i might be pregnant.  i thought we were having sex on cycle day 10, it turns out it was day 12.  it was also the last day i had what i perceived to be fertile cervical mucus.  on cycle day 14 i felt what i think was ovulation pain.  am i having symptoms?  well sure, but the symptoms could be either pms or pregnancy: increased cervical discharge, fatigue, feeling odd movements in my uterus/down ‘there’, gas (oh the gas), hunger pangs, and coffee is now tasting different to me (this happend to my mother when she was pregnant with my brother and to me when i was pregnant with Daniella, it did not occur with Emi though).  i wouldn’t think much of it, frankly i don’t want to, but he asks about the little blastocyst and embroyo when he calls me from work.  he gets my hopes up and then i start thinking i might be.  honestly, my gut says i’m not, but he swears i am.  we shall see…

i’ve been applying and interviewing for different positions for the last 2 weeks.  most interviewers tell me that i present well and that i will do well.  but presenting well and future potential of doing well are not going to pay the bills.  i’m still waiting on responses from some of those interviewers.  there was this one position that i was interested in.  it was a contract position for a 6-8 months with the possibility of going permanent.  cool i thought, yet here are the specifics: i am replacing someone who is currently pregnant with twins.  she is due in december, yet may go on leave in october.  from the time she goes on leave she may return in 3 months…maybe more…maybe less.  her workstation, the one i would be training by and occupying when she leaves is a shrine to all things ‘baby’.  photo after photo is a baby.  does she know any adults?

can you imagine receiving training from a woman pregnant ‘out to here’ with twins?  all the comments i’ll here.  “oh look at you.  your so big”, “still pregnant?”  “what are you going to do with those two running around”…on and on and on.  also the customary office baby shower, and the never ending pregnancy talk and comparisons.  i called my contact at the agency that arranged my interview and told her i was uncomfortable with the level of uncertainty in the position, as well as the fact that i was told that the woman i would be replacing would definitely come back.  ‘A’, my agency contact, then went on to tell me (ME folks!) about how pregnancy can be so uncertain especially when carrying twins, because she herself had twins and she knows.  she thought herself the expert on pregnancy.  it was ALL i could do to hold my tongue.  i wanted to scream.  she thinks i don’t know about complications?  oh, i don’t know about a million and one ways in which shit could go wrong?  i don’t know the odds? 

also, it occured to me yesterday that i should be 36 weeks pregnant, meaning in 1-2 weeks the cerclage would have been removed.  my baby Daniella, had she lived could have actually been born and delivered to my waiting arms in just 2 weeks.  and it will never ever happen, maybe another baby, but not her.  the thought has truly devasted and saddened me and taken the wind right out of me.  once again, like i did immediately after her loss, i’m concious of my own breathing.  it almost hurts to breath, to lift my eyes and look around.  it hurts to think about anything.

my husband has been working very late hours at work lately; it doesn’t help that his commute each way is an hour and half.  i usually drop him off at the train station around 820am and don’t pick him up until 9pm-10pm at night.  i’m starting to feel disconnected from him.  he’s starting to annoy me – stupid things really.  how he chews,  the fact that he doesn’t brush his teeth before bed, the way he hangs his towel after a shower, and yesterday it was the smell of beer on his breath.  the poor guy hardly has beer on weekdays, yet it just aggravated me to no end yesterday.  yesterday he made a move for sex and i passed, you know it’s bad when i pass.  instead we fell asleep holding each other. (so much for pregnnancy, pms anyone?).  he just works so much and i’m here bored to death.  it’s not a good formula. 

i feel like my life is at a standstill.  how the fuck did this happen?  how did i go from being pregnant and doing well at work to suddenly being unemployed (fired no less) after giving it my all and with another dead baby?  how can my luck be that bad?  how can it be that everything that could go wrong in a pregnancy has somehow happend to me, twice no less.  my luck and life as it is sickens me.

I met with dear colleage or ‘S’ earlier this week and she told me she likes being with me because i can inspire hope.  she is going through a tough time heself, my old boss is now trying to push her into quitting and making her miserable, her father is in grave condition, her mother is not fairing too well either, and her traditional upbringing/culture is prompting her to feel pressured to get married (which she wants to) with no prospects at this time.  How i can possibly inspire hope is beyond me, maybe that’s why i feel so shitty, i gave her all the hope i could muster. 

the shit is that the same thing that keeps me going, is the very thing that has hurt me deeply so far – hope.  it was the hope of raising my girls and watching them learn and grow that made their loss so painful.  the loss of my dreams.  yet i can’t help but hope that the next job i find will be wonderful and understanding of future pregnancies and that my next pregnancy will go well.  i still hope that although the years 2007 and 2008 failed me, that in 2009 i will finally give birth to my child. i will finally be a mom to a living child.

it can’t possibly get worse.


edited to add: wow, this was my 100th post.  how sad.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

3 responses »

  1. Its amazing how completly ignorant and stupid some people really are. Not to mention how quick it is for people to just jump to conclusions and want to put their 2 cents in on the whole situation. I still (a year and a half later) get pissed when people say ” you’re young you can have another baby” ” everything happens for a reason ” then please explain that fuckin reason to me . Or my very favorite that came out of my own step-mothers mouth ” its a miscarriage it happens every day get over it” It wasnt a miscarriage, it was a stillbirth and yeah it may happen every day but not to your own daughter.
    I’m so sorry that things are working out for you right now, but trust that they will get better. I know that may be hard but its always when you least expect it that it does

  2. I’d like to “hope” thta it can’t get any worse either, but you know what that has done for use both.

    “my luck and life as it is sickens me.” I hear ya.

  3. I hope 2009 is your year. Absolutely. You’ve have to bear way more than you share of loss and pain. I wish only good things for you, jaded. I also hope your dh is right…keep us posted.

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