Mittelschmerz, Schmittelschmerz

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I haven’t experienced my grief for Daniella the way I did Emi.  With Emi, the pain was constant, the memory of my loss was always vividly with me. Working, cooking or cleaning, the thought of my loss was constant.  Not so with Daniella.  I hardly think of her.  I’ve blocked her out.   When the pain does finally hit, it comes in waves; each one stronger than the last.  I was speaking with my mother today about the difference.  I don’t know how to say it, except that I’m not quite living.   I’m existing.  I can laugh at a joke, but the laughter and joy can only go so deep.  I can appreciate a meal, but not like before.  I can try a different make-up look, but the fun is not quite there.  It’s like i’m living in black and white; not in color.  Like the radio is on, but not all the way.  Do you see what i’m trying to say?

Today however, i’ve been crying.  A lot.  My lack of feeling and my numbness are not longer with me.  If I were still pregnant (hahaha), I would have had my cerclage removed sometime in mid August.  When I left my job I should have been going on maternity leave after a cheesey office baby shower, not getting fired.  I should be huge now.  I should be online googling labor, names and breastfeeding.  I should be going to B.abies R’ U.s for last minute items.  I should not be typing the very things i’m typing.

Life is not as it should be.  I find myself wondering how the fuck did this happen.  I just don’t quite beleive it, yet i’m living it. 

On another note, I think i’m experience a new phenomenon. Mittelschmerz?.  Yesterday BigSexy & Mr. Diplomat came over for dinner.  They were having issues and Beefcake and I helped them air some it out.  (They’ve done it countless times for us.)  Before the guys joined us, we had a few minutes alone.  I told her that I was having cramping and very faint spotting mid-cycle.  I think it happend last month as well,  but it was my first period after my loss and I thought it could be acting a litte wacko.  But again this month?  Maybe my cycle has changed and now I am experiencing this?  At the end of the evening BigSexy said:  We should leave, because Jaded Me is ovulating.  She’s too much.  I love her.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

5 responses »

  1. Exisiting and not living- I live it every day. I think a lot of us do. I don’t know how any of us got where we are now. Life is not fair. I wish you were making last minute runs to BRU and were wobbling because you were so “huge”. Our day wil come, and until it does I’ll still be here supporting you.

  2. that range of emotions is normal, from numbness to feeling. the shoudhavebeens will get you every time. so hard to accept there is only what is.

  3. I feel the same range of emotions. Stuck between existing and not living. I tell people that my life stopped when we lost Dylan, and it exploded when we lost Riley. It was catastrophic…unfathomable. But we exist for reasons that are unbeknownst to us when it would have been so much easier to have exploded with them sometimes.

    It’s slowly rotating again, not the way it did, but it’s moving. And that’s a good thing. But it won’t ever run at the same angle and the same speed that it did 2 years ago.

  4. I was ready to be committed earlier this week. My emotions are all over the place. As I sit here now, I feel fine. No overwhelming sadness, no wanting to lie down in bed and hide all day. I went from crazy to fine. I think that’s the way this grief thing works. She’s a bitch, I tell you.

    As for the bleeding, yup, sounds like ovulating to me. I started experiencing this for the first time after Callum died. Mid-cycle bleeding was not something I ever experienced before. It’s supposed to be a good thing, good for getting pregnant and all. But what does that mean, really?

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