thoughts are absolutely swiriling in my head. i broke out the amaretto as soon as i got home from work and had a smoke (i never smoke – so you know it’s bad). i sat on our balcony taking slow drags and breaking into sobs. dear colleague had to return to India to stay with her ailing father. she was hired to be a payroll administrator but dumb ass boss replaced her while she was away in India the first time. Upon returing she had to do the shit work no one wanted to do, namely filing, mail, etc. so imagine my surprise when I asked the interviewe in the lobby today what position she was here for. “payroll administrator.” i had no game face prepared for that answer. I was completely caught off guard. “is something wrong?”, she asked. “no”, i replied. i was totally shocked. dear colleague just left last friday, when the fuck did dumbass boss start looking?! THE SAME DAY SHE LEFT?????????????! i was disgusted. how fucking sneaky.
it doesn’t help that my new boss ‘ms. missing’ had not assigned me any work since yesterday. because she’s (you guessed it!) always missing. i did no work as of 1130am yesterday because she was too busy to meet with me. fucking bitch…not a moment?…really? finally she met with me today, for all of 3 minutes (which were interrupted), to tell me that i would be learning more quality assurance responsibilites and performing my first training in spanish tomorrow. what the fuck happed to human resources? why am i working here? and so the shit hit the fan, mentally that is.
should i leave? how would this affect ttc? should i talk to a lawyer? should i get another job? get a job and a lawyer? GRRRRR, i just declined a job paying $12,000 more per year a week ago, because i thought i was going to learn training and more HR stuff. WTF!? i don’t need this bullshit now. my goodness. can anything be easy for me? i just wanted to work after losing Daniella. that’s it. just wanted to be normal (hahaha) and work. and not be home all fucking day staring at my dog peaches. all day crying and wondering why my life fucking sucks royally. all day watching the stupid ma.ury p.ovich show where he tells the zillionth man through a DNA test whether or not he is the father, as i recally my husband’s shattered face comtemplating why BOTH his baby girls had to die. all day trying to forget the horror that my life has become. trying to occupy my time at bookstores and buying bullshit that i really don’t need and that can’t possibly ever fill the void of my broken heart. all day planning for an increasingly fucked up future. all day growing bitter and jaded by the moment. i just want to work at a decent place where i don’t have to deal with such an underhanded bullshit of an HR director-boss. MY GOD.
when does it end?, because i’ve had enough of fighting for every good thing in my life, while it seems that good fortune is handed out to others by the basket. i’ve had enough. i’m at my braking point.