What could have been.

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Emi, 

This is the second time that your due date has come around.  I can’t help thinking that this morning I should have heard you calling for me.  Today would have been your first birthday party, and I or daddy would have been running around for last minute items.  I would have dressed you in an adorable little outfit and put a tiny clip in your hair.  You, having just learned to walk, would have unsteadily walked to your daddy so that he could take you in.  He would have joked about how mami was ‘converting’ you into a little lady so soon.  Mami, daddy and you would have gone to take a professional photo to remember this special day.  Your birthday party would have been sometime this evening.  My mom and little brother would have flown in, my cousins would be here helping out.  The whole day I would have marvelled out how big you’ve gotten and how much you’ve grown and learned.  I would have taken in all your features, and debated that you looked more like me than you do your daddy.

But that is not the case.  Not by a long shot.  I miss you.  Thank you for gracing our lives with your presence.  Thank you for letting me dream wonderfully if only a while and for allowing me to fall deeply in love forever.

Your Mami

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

5 responses »

  1. I’m sorry that you are “celebrating” without your beautiful baby. It is quite sad how we can imagine all the things that would have been. I’m thinking of you.

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