I’ve been thinking lately about how at this point by mid June, many plans should have been underway.  Had Emi lived, we would now be planing her first birthday party, as she was due July 4th.   Maybe we would have done a cookout at a local park or rented a hall with a fireworks display to end the night. Had Daniella still been in my womb, we would now be putting the finishing touches on our plans for a baby shower as well as putting the first coats of paint in the nursery.

What I did not plan on ever  was that both of them would have passed.  Truth be told, we would not have planned on conceiving Daniella had Emi lived.  Yet I would have never thought that Emi would have had Meck.el Sy.ndrome.  I would have never dreamed that we were slowly losing Daniella due to an incompetent cervix.  I would have never thought that the emergency c.erclage would be complicated by infection.

And lastly I would not have planned on returning to the support group as I will tonight.  I did plan on going back after Danilla’s successful birth, but not like this.  Right now I’m feeling blue.  I miss my girls.



About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

7 responses »

  1. It’s really hard to think about where we would be if… I’m sorry it sucks. I’m sorry that you are missing your girls. Let’s just smile thinking about how your girls and my boys are up there playing together. They are looking down on us and wanting us to be happy – at least, that’s what helps me get through the day…one hour at a time.

  2. So many what ifs. I am sorry Jaded. I hope you find some comfort at the support group. Your girls are missed. I wish I could wave a wand and take away some of your pain.

  3. Plans…. *sigh* me and plans used to be such good friends. Now I don’t have any, even now I don’t see beyond tomorrow, next week if I’m lucky. Plans seem a bit futile in the face of reality.
    I’m so sorry J that this is the way things are for you, I still can’t believe it. I wish I could just sit with you and hold your hand, I really do.

  4. I think that’s completely understandable.

    I wonder why I put any effort into plans at all. I know they can be thwarted. Living day by day is all I know now. It’s not necessarily the best, most optimistic way to live.

    Hope your meeting went well.

  5. I know how you feel. I often think about 4 little dirty boy feet running around our house, pulling our dogs tail, then I remember, that had we not lost Sam, we wouldn’t have Jack. We have 2 boys as you have 2 girls- just not like we thought we would. Our house is very quiet.

  6. I have just begun to step back from “would have been doing” on dates and anniversaries. It’s so freaking hard. I find my brain doing gymnastics I never imagined.

    Just so hard.

  7. just wanted to send some hugs…

    i lost my twin boys in march due to extreme prematurity. they were born at 23 weeks. your words seem to echo my thoughts so completely….

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