My husband has been working crazy hours lately. He is an architect with a relatively new firm in the Ne.w Yo.rk area. So they are trying to establish new clients…and are promising miraclels. Miracles require hard work, thus his schedule. This leaves me a lot of time on my own. He checks in and makes sure I am o.k. (i.e. have not stepped over the edge). He urges me to go out for a walk with our dog Peaches. He tells me to maybe come to the city some time, to visit friends, to throw out the garbage…anything.
I’ll tell you that i am feeling ‘o.k.’ Sure I have not looked at her photos, all her items are put away. Thoughts of her come and go. But to be honest there is no intense wave of grief, the tears are few and thoughts of her and that God-forsaken day that we lost her, are scattered. Whenever a particulary painful thought comes my way, I fight it with thoughts of that consultation. I have all my hopes pinned of that damn consultation.
Last night in bed I told my husband that I don’t go out because I feel like I am in a very fragile bubble. If I go out and heaven forbid see a baby – especially a little girl – I might just die. I told him that I don’t know how i’ll see my OB or get through a consultation with the specialist. How will I go back to work and confront the pitifully sorry looks/comments of all the people that I gleefully told about my pregnancy? Worse, how will I get through correcting those that might think the pregnancy went well, and inquire about a presumed healthy baby?
Life, in the last year and change has insured that I have so much misery handed to me, that I should be able to cope. But I am still so afraid.
What will I do when grief finally hits me in full force?