No Words for God

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I have no words for him right now. I really try to form the words, but they must be in that far off place where my intense sadness is. I hardly cry for Daniella, I just don’t think I can right now. I don’t know if in time when the schock wears off and the pain sets in, if the words that will lead to prayer will come then.

I have not given up on my faith. I know that that true faith does not come along when things go well, but instead when circumstances are tested. Right now I just feel such dissapointment towards him that I cannot speak to him becasue the words just don’t come together.

Atheists say they envy us because we have an anchor, a support system that is our faith to lean on. But for the first time I think I just may envy them, because then what happened to Emi can be blamed on genetics and what happened to Daniella can be blamed on infection as well as shitty luck. But to beleive in God is to beleive that this was intended it is to beleive that these events did not just happen but that they were orchestrated. And to accept that God fully knowing the grief and heartache that this would cause…to accept that He would allow it or cause it to happen hurts beyond words.

Perhaps this is why there are no words for Him at this time.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

6 responses »

  1. I have no words that will help at all. Im just so sorry.Im actually a non believer who is happy to have one less person to be pissed at but i do understand that for you as a believer you need time to be angry at your God. And i truly believe that if your God is out there he will understand your anger towards him. And when your ready to talk Im sure he will be there to hear you.I really hope you got lots of photos of Daniella.Huge hugsxxx

  2. Tell God how you feel, J. It’s okay to tell him that you’re really mad at him, that right now you don’t like him, that you don’t understand, that it’s hard to keep trusting him, that you really don’t even feel like talking to him anymore. That’s what I did when my son, whom I had placed in God’s care, took his life last October. I did it again when my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in February. Just pray straight from your broken heart.I wish something or someone could take away your unbearable, unspeakable pain. I’m so terribly sorry for the loss of your cherished daughters. I’m praying for you.

  3. I know I am way late to this, but this is the topic that I have spent a lot of time thinking and talking about, so I am going to try to say something. If it is not helpful, please forgive me. I am one of the very few people I know who hasn’t had her faith shaken in the wake of the death of my baby. This is not because I believe this was fair or just, but precisely because I believe it wasn’t. I don’t think it was orchestrated because I also don’t believe that good things we get in life are gifts from God. And because, to put it bluntly, if God is cruel enough to hand things like dead babies out intentionally, I want nothing to do with that God. I am also a scientist, so I know that there is always randomness, and error rates, and that without either life on Earth would be impossible. We happen to be on the shit side of luck, but it wasn’t intentional. There is nothing bad enough we could’ve done to deserve our babies dying. Conversely, and I have believed this for a very long time, there is absolutely nothing good enough we can ever do to deserve living children. It is all a random thing. I don’t believe in divine intervention in everyday life. I don’t believe that would make the world a better place even. Because how do you determine who deserves intervention, one way or the other? It would only make for the world as messed up as it is now, only with more cruel intentionality thrown in. Not a good mix, I think.I am sorry if this wasn’t helpful. Please feel free to disregard this altogether if it wasn’t.

  4. I could have written this. I don’t have the right words for God either, because I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why this is my life and I feel like HE let it happen.

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