I have no words for him right now. I really try to form the words, but they must be in that far off place where my intense sadness is. I hardly cry for Daniella, I just don’t think I can right now. I don’t know if in time when the schock wears off and the pain sets in, if the words that will lead to prayer will come then.
I have not given up on my faith. I know that that true faith does not come along when things go well, but instead when circumstances are tested. Right now I just feel such dissapointment towards him that I cannot speak to him becasue the words just don’t come together.
Atheists say they envy us because we have an anchor, a support system that is our faith to lean on. But for the first time I think I just may envy them, because then what happened to Emi can be blamed on genetics and what happened to Daniella can be blamed on infection as well as shitty luck. But to beleive in God is to beleive that this was intended it is to beleive that these events did not just happen but that they were orchestrated. And to accept that God fully knowing the grief and heartache that this would cause…to accept that He would allow it or cause it to happen hurts beyond words.
Perhaps this is why there are no words for Him at this time.