Almost Lost Tadpole!

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Where do I begin? Last friday I went in for a cervical length check-up at 730am. My cervix was at 1 centimeter in length. I was immediately admitted and put on monitors to check if I was having contractions. I was 21 weeks and 6 days. I lost Emi at 22 weeks, it was all I could handle. I broke down into tears, I was a total wreck. Thank God my hubby was there. My doctor happened to be on duty that weekend and she came by and explained some things to us. I would need a cerclage, but first I would be checked to see if my cervix was open as well as to see if membranes were exposed. Thankfully, all was well. Next swabs were taken looking for infection. There was none.
At about 6pm that night I was given an epidural (I am amazed at how quickly it takes effect – seconds) and the emergency cerclage was placed. A friend of my husband’s came by that night and he brought my flowers. My hubby got us food, but I was in too much pain for anything. That night I could hardly sleep due to the pain I was in, the nurse gave me ‘the strongest pain medication they had’ a ‘one-shot’ deal she called it. It did not take away all the pain, but certainly took away the ‘edge’ and made me drowsy.
The next morning the pain began to subside and the catheter that was originally placed after my cerclage was not removed. The deal: if I could pee, I could go home. I could not, it was the most horrid feeling, I had a PAINFULLY full bladder, but could not void. The pain had me in tears, my poor husband chased down a nurse and to my relief (literally) it was placed back in. I had to stay another day. It seems this was a side effect of the epidural, I guess when they say that it numbs everything from the waist down, they are not playing. My in-laws came to visit, well my father-in-law never made it in the hospital because he is fearful of them. But I do appreciate the gesture, because we have not seen each other since last July. They brought flowers and gourmet desserts.
Yesterday, after successfully ‘voiding’, I was finally released and now I am on strict bedrest.
My husband has been wonderful, but we are scared we will lose this baby, he doesn’t say so, but he must be. I am only at 22 weeks. At some point during this weekend I came to two realizations: I believe in other lives, and in a past life, I must have clubbed babies to death. I mean I lost my first baby and I nearly lost this one. After the surgery my doctor informed me that I was dialated 1 centimeter by the time I went in for the cerclage. How close did I get to losing her! My God!
My husband wants me to stay positive, he says we are still in the ring fighting. While in the hospital, he felt her move for the first time. Her kicks are getting stronger, and it give me hope to keep fighting. Right now I am in a lot of pain and but glad to be home and for every moment I stay pregnant. But I can’t help thinking: why does it have to be so hard for us?

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

7 responses »

  1. I am so sorry you have to go through this anxiety and worry. I pray that you get far enough along so you can deliver a viable, healthy baby. I don’t know why this has to be so hard for some people like yourself. I think you have already endured enough, and I just don’t understand why you have to go through this again. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. What an insane roller coaster! How unbelievably, ridiculously scary!Stay in bed, honey! Rest! I will be praying for you!Reese

  3. I really wish they had kept you in hospital!!!! I know its nicer to be in your own bed and all but bed rest in hospital seems to be a little easier to do than bed rest at home! You stay in that bed and dont think of getting out unless you need to piddle! Even then, maybe use a bucket! :)You just need to hang on a few more weeks. Come 24 weeks there is a huge difference in the survival rate of bubs. make it to 28 weeks and you really are on to a good thing. Sure it would be nice to make it to 40 weeks but if its not going to happen, just a few more will do the trick!EVERYTHING is crossed for you. Im sure all will be fine. Just dont get out of bed.Huge hugsxxx

  4. OHMYGOSH!!! You must have been in hysterics, although I am sure you are not feeling so much better even now. I don’t know why this has to be so hard. It sucks and I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you.

  5. BC I hope you are doing OK. I just can’t believe how hard this is all being on you. The universe is not fair, not one bit. I think I must have been really really evil in a previous life, S and I joke a lot about who we might have been. I really do have everything crossed for you. Please take it easy and I know it’s difficult but please try not to worry too much. I know that’s so much easier said than done. Thinking of you and sending you massive hugs. K x x x

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