I’m a Fucking Mess :(

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Crazy, irrational post ahead:

It seems so long since I posted, and not for lack of reasons. My thoughts and emotions have been constantly changing. That sense of calmness that I had is slowly fading and anxiousness is quickly setting in. This all started about a week ago, when I scheduled my 16 week anatomy scan and cervical length exam. I have another two weeks to go until March 24th, and I just don’t know how i’m going to make it till then.

I have been thinking of Emi without ceasing. I just miss her so desperately. I want her back so badly. I wish I could have helped my poor little baby, but there was nothing I could do for her. And again, here I am feeling just as helpless. I have just been having thoughts about possibly getting bad news? I just have this knot in my throat. Will I deliver again? Will I have an abortion? I don’t want to even think these things. I just want to be fucking happy, and enjoy this pregnancy.

I think of what my boss told me when I first told her of my loss. She said bad luck can’t happen twice. Ha! I have been reading blogs of other women who have had multiple losses. It sure can, and having a genetic predisposition won’t help it.

Lately I have just been so angry and upset. Why would God give a woman who will place a baby in a microwave a baby? Why give a baby to someone that will only stick it in a garbage can? Or leave a baby to die in the woods? Why do some women have to inject thousands of dollars into their behinds or their stomachs for a chance at conceiving? Why do women like me – who are not perfect, but have perfect hearts filled with love – denied our babies?

God, why? I know we are supposed to trust him -and I do-but it is difficult sometimes. Now is one of those times.

My emotions are raging with anger at my in-laws who never came to see me while recuperating. My in-laws with their big fucking mouths, who spoke and criticized my weight as they saw fit, but yet when it fucking mattered never piped up. Never said i’m sorry for this tragedy. Never said she was missed. Never said she was special, or that she even existed. Where are the big-mouths now, with their bullshit YADDA-YADDA-YADDA? Assholes.

My husband’s friend and his wife – M, had a baby girl this past Friday. When my husband tells me (over a dinner outing last Saturday) I kept my composure….and then he kept asking, how do you feel about this?

Me: Fine.
Hubby: Are you sure?
Me: Yup…Fine.
Hubby: Are you sure?
Me: The baby’s alive right? As in not dead, right? Well that’s fucking good news! These days it seems to come down to three options: alive, dead or sick and as long as the baby is not one of the last two options, it’s good fucking news to me.

I mean really what are my options? Am I happy for her? Of course. I could not wish this SHIT luck on ANYONE. But what do you want from me? Cartwheels? I’m still actively and intensely mourning my baby. I’m SO blessed to have my little Tadpole, but at the same time I’m fricken’ freaking out here. Two weeks from now I will have the same blood test that let us know Emi had a high chance of a neural tube defect along with the same type of scan that confirmed her fate. I could really use a pomegranate or keylime martini, and now is not the time!

I am just so angry at circumstances. So angry that more pregnancy losses will occur. Angry that more babies will turn up dead in garbage bins. Frost-bitten and bruised. All the while our babies are gone, and others may never even experience pregnancy.

I’m so sorry God, but this is how I feel. Please get us all through this. Even if my baby and I make it, I want everyone to make it too. I have become attached to all your stories. I wish all your babies were here. I mourn my baby and I mourn all the other babies too – more than anything. They are so special and so loved and so utterly unreplacable. What a bitter cup God has given us, but what did Jesus say? He asked God to please take the cup back, that he was frightened and wished not to go through with the crucifixtion. Yet he said, let your will be done. I guess this is taking up my cross along with him.

I just wish I could run into a wall really fast and knock myself out. I wish I could feel normal again. I feel miserable. I can’t stop tearing, but I’ll be praying for all of us.

Thanks for reading.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

5 responses »

  1. I’ll be praying for you and the rest of us too! Hang in there. I’m sure it’s scary and as much as I hate to say it out loud…I hope too to be scared some day. Not that I truly like the thought but it would mean I have another chance…maybe!

  2. I’ll be praying that everything turns out right for you. I can’t imagine how nerveracking it must be, but you have to have hope. Not everyone has multiple losses. I know it’s scary, but if it works out, the prize is so worth it.

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