I miss my baby so much


My mind is all over the place. I think i’m just severely hormonal. I have been thinking so much about Emi. I just miss her. I think what triggered this is something my husband said during our last support group meeting. In describing our story he mentioned on how the thought of her suffocating in my womb hurt him so much. (I had very low levels of amniotic fluid) And now all these terrible images are coming together in my head. Was I crushing her when I slept on my side? How little is little – could she truly have been suffocating? How restricted were her movements? It just makes me so so sad. My poor poor baby. I’m so sorry Emi, I wanted you so badly my girl. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I cried for you in the shower today.

Sometimes I just want this life to be over so that I could be with her in heaven. With no death, or pain to separate us. Just my arms around you. But now I have a reason for living, and it may not be what you are thinking. Just look at these photos of our dog with my husband. Until we finally have our baby, we always have our little Giants mascot. This is to funny.

About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

4 responses »

  1. I love your dog! You’re right those photos are funny. I’m so sorry you don’t have your beautiful little Emi with you and I’m so sorry that you and your husband are going through so much pain. I think it’s understandable that you are feeling like this at the moment. I used to get really upset when I thought about J dying. I am pretty sure I felt him make his last movements. Looking back I’m sure I know when he died. This upsets me so much. I have to stop myself thinking about it too much because no one can give me the answers to my questions. It eats me up inside to think of him being in any pain. The only small thing I can take is that I find comfort in the fact that at least he died with me. He wasn’t alone. I know that sounds stupid but I guess I have to take whatever comfort I can from all this. x x x

  2. You know 12 months after Zak died I had a major flip out. All of a sudden i had these questions in my head like ‘ was he in pain before he died’. They made me truly sick. It was late at night and S was at work and I was off the planet. I think I was going mad. I called the hospital to ask these questions but was popped on hold before i could say why i was calling and i ended up hanging up and walking around the house in circles like a mad women. I ended up emailing a midwife. I got a very quick response and it made me feel SO at ease. She explained what would have happened (I dolt her how/why he died)and how he would have been affected. THE best thing i ever did.I just googled something (cant even remember what) and a list of hospitals with midwives and their email address popped up. Maybe something like that would make you feel better.Huge hugs to you.xxx

  3. Your dog is so cute! We have three and they help me everyday with my grief. I asked the specialist at the hospital if my baby felt anything. He died of a cord accident at 34 weeks. He told me that the baby didn’t feel anything…that he just passed away. I don’t know if he was telling me the truth or not but I don’t care. It’s all I can hang on to..that our baby didn’t feel any pain and didn’t know what happened. Of course, that doesn’t take away all the questions I ask myself. What could I have done differently, etc.Like another DeadBabyMom told me…please try to be kind to yourself. Your baby felt your love.I’m thinking of you.(((Hugs)))Jen

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