6 Wks


At our recent support meeting there was a new woman present. She just lost her pregnancy of a little girl at 7 months. Two girls already at home. Heartbroken and devastated. My husband and I feel complete empathy. She asks: When will I feel better? When does the healing start? What can I do? When will I feel normal? We all told her what we could: to ride out the rollercoaster and not fight it, to accept her emotions, to slow down life and take care of herself, on this path called grief. We shared our story, my husband got a few stats wrong. Wrong conception month, told the group I suffered with preeclampsia, rather than placenta previa…maybe next month I’ll work up the nerve and tell our story.

There is a support group for couples pregnant after a loss, all of our friends who have become pregnant in our current group move on to it. My husband is ready to jump ship as well; I want to wait until we receive at least one good sonogram before making the leap. I don’t want to leave this group only to retun.

It’s been a while since my last post. The pregnancy is progressing at only six weeks. I have my first appointment set on 1/22. Mainly protocol will be discussed; sonograms looking for markers of the genetic syndrome that claimed our little girl’s life will be scheduled. I’ve been searching on line for case studies on pregancies plagued by this syndrome. Most first time pregnancies are diagnosed late in the second trimester (like ours), second time pregnancies are diagnosed late in the first trimester, anywhere from 11-14wks; because this time around patients and doctors know to look sooner. If we beat this, if somehow we clear our sonograms, we also clear the risk of miscarriage at around the same time. Double-blessing! If we don’t clear our early sonograms, well then termination will sadly rear it’s very ugly head-as this disorder is lethal, not dimished quality of life, but certain death. If we do clear the sonograms we have to keep testing every two weeks until about the 20th week, which is when the medical community in majority agrees that the ‘all clear’ can be given. Somehow i’m keeping my cool and our popcorn kernel is now called tadpole, and i’m really thinking i’m carrying around a boy.

I’m tired all the time and always seem to be feeling borderline queasy. My breasts hurt so much, that at this point if you just look at them, their feelings hurt. My poor husband just wants to play with his ‘toys’ as he fondly calls them, but he’s coping. Also my stomach seems to hurt in the mornng and after meals and I am ALWAYS HUNGRY. With every gulp, my husband’s beer looks better and better, the froth, the beads of water on the glass…the….

But I know – and with little prodding – that it is all a very small price to pay for a successfull pregnancy and birth.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

2 responses »

  1. I hope everything turns out just perfect for you both.Do you mind me asking what was wrong with your daughter??fingers and toes are crossed for you.Hugsxxx

  2. I think you’re doing amazingly well keeping your calm. Believe me I am holding my breath with you, I so hope you clear the double hurdle. I felt horrible in the early weeks of my pregnancy with J, sore boobs, nausea and SO tired. It’s hard work!I know you don’t want to write out what the genetic disease is for fear of being found but if you do want to I don’t know if you’ve seen on others blogs how they do it. So if I was going to write badger I’d write b@d.g.er or something and then it can’t be googled. You’ve probably already seen this or maybe you just don’t want anyone to know but if you do feel like you need to vent about it then I guess that’s one way. Thinking of you and sending every positive thought I can your way x x x x

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