Popcorn Kernel?


In September, when I first started really trying to conceive, I begged God that he would grant me another baby, for some reason I wanted to be pregnant with this baby by Christmas day.

About 2 weeks ago I dreamt that I was lying on a bed while poking my stomach. While poking, I was thoughtfully wondering where my placenta may be lying within my uterus and contemplating pregnancy. I was not afraid; it’s as if I never knew that a pregnancy could end so horribly and not result in a baby to bring home.

Well yesterday on New Year’s Eve, I finally broke down and took a home pregnancy test, as my period was four days late.

It was late for a reason.

I am pregnant.

Shit! I am pregnant again.

This time I know enough to know that there are no guarantees, this time I know that pregnancies are riddled with chance.

…and I havn’t for a moment forgotten that there is a 25% chance of recurrence of our genetic syndrome. Unfortunately, I can’t even name the syndrome here, it is so rare, that I may actually be found out.

My husband affectionately refers to the pregnancy as popcorn kernel. So he just wants us to regard it as that, so that we won’t get too attached, if things go wrong.

But I can’t. You see, I already love this baby. I already want this baby as much as I wanted my first.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

10 responses »

  1. Congratulations. Really what an amazing New Years present. Wow!I’m grinning. Happy New Year to you, your husband and the popcorn kernel :o)

  2. Thank you Coggy.Every time I think of my odds, I get so scared, you know? But I just want to be a mom so badly, that I tell myself one day all this will be worth it. I tell you the same.

  3. I came over here from Coggy’s. I’m happy to hear your news- I’m in a similar boat and understand your fear though. Just wanted to let you know I’m reading and thinking of you…

  4. Hi. I came over from Coggy’s as well and wanted to wish you all the best possbile outcomes. I’m sure you must be terrified and optimistic at the same time. I’m very sorry about your baby girl.

  5. Hi, I’m also coming over from Coggy’s blog to tell you that I am rooting for you. “You see, I already love this baby. I already want this baby as much as I wanted my first.”That is just beautiful.

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