Ramblings & Baby Hope Blogs

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Brownies are currently baking in the oven, after I managed to get the mixing spoon out of my mouth! 🙂 Work is going well, although I am completely convinced my boss in incompetinent and does not know the first thing about HR. But I am going strong, doing my best and not doing half bad. I am bummed about the car situation…at this point there is no end in sight. How long will I be without a car? Should I keep the insurance on the rental? Should I chance it?…Update to come on that situation, and SOON I hope.

I also dyed my hair pitch black (Starry Night) according to the box. I LOVE it, and I have received many compliments from people at work.

Today I managed to not feel so damn down about my situation. I seem to wander between feeling hopeless, to optimistic, to numb, to certain, to angry, etc….about my situation. Sometimes I see us – flat out see us – with our baby. It is so clear. Other times I see 5 years going by (our deadline) and nothing. Other times I see myself pregnant only to find out that our baby has ‘The Syndrome’ – again – at a Levell II. Other times, I see us clearing that blasted Level II with flying colors.

Sometimes the feeling of fear grabs a terrible hold of me, and I feel my stomach knotting up. Other times I try to remember that God is control and I feel better. Reading other blog on this subject and focussing on the fact that regardless of ‘why’, many, many loved babies are lost; makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I would not wish this on my greatest enemy. But the reality is that no one wants to be the only one. Blogs remind me that so many pregnancies are lost and so many children are never had (and that is a loss in its own right), and it does not matter why. It just matters that it happened.

I read the blogs of so many strong women, who lose multiple pregnancies and I hear the stories of my support group members and I feel so inspired to fight the good fight, as they do.

In my support group here are some of the stats:

4 out of 8 pregnancies lost, 4 out of 5, 2 out 3…..
And in my own family 2 out of 2, 1 out 3…

….and ALL for wildly different reasons…which helps me to better cope with my own ‘odds’.

I wish to fight for our babies too. Of all fights in life, this seems the most worth it – my babies.
It sucks to get my period month after month – it’s been about 3 months – I started TTC in September. I know, I know, I need to learn to be patient, as my hubby says. Perhaps in the new year I will discuss fertility drugs with my doctor. For now, I think I’ll continue to hope and pray for my little Christmas miracle. Life is “ever just the same….ever a surprise”, right?

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

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