Ok…I am feeling better. My last post was the result of hubby suggesting buying Christmas gifts for others, including other people’s babies. The thought of buying even a gift card for another baby that is not mine HURTS. I know I reacted like a baby, but I told him: Please, not THIS Christmas. He was pissed, I was pissed, we made up. I guess no gifts for other people’s babies, except only for those that reached out to me – you see? I am a baby.
I meant to post about my trip to my mother’s. It was wonderful. Mom and I were discussing on why this was so, and concluded that it is because I finally have some closure from E’s loss. Mom finally took care of me, finally cooked my some of my meals and looked after me. Mom tucked me in with my little brother in bed, and this 25 year old was a child again. Momentarily, briefly freed from pain, and suffering. The pain resurfaced with a vengeance when a saw a certain someone – my uncle’s girlfriend – lit up a cigarette while 9 months pregnant. Now that HURT. I took so many precautions with my baby and I still lost her, meanwhile, my uncle’s girlfriend ‘reassures’ me that she smoke with her other two and they turned out finew.
Oh…well what the hell do I know, after all I did everything I could to have my child and she still died, and here you are smoking away like a cowboy with two here and another one on the way! AHHHHH!!!!!!!
But it was great having my family with me. Seeing my grandma was so sweet. She even came out of the house and to the car when I arrived. She was so excited to see me, and I her. She greeted me as a child and treated me in that way-loving and caring. I know my two ladies – grandma and mom, along with the loving innocent arms of my little brother, helped to heal a lot of sadness and helped to bring on some much needed closure. Once hubby arrived, and we were all together, it was a great Thanksgiving holiday.
Well I was still glowing from this holiday on my way to work, when just 2 blocks away our car slid, I lost control, it spun, and (thankfully) crashed it into the curb facing the opposite direction. Good news: Police officer on was on the scene, came over, gave me no ticket and above all I walked away ok, no one or property was damaged and I am driving a cool rental. Bad news, our insurance will go up next year and our deductible is $500.
Work is better than a few blog entries ago. My colleague is leaving and I will miss her; we have become quite a team. I missed out on an exit interview but did my 1st 401K presentation this past Friday. It was a little bootleg and informal, but it was noless, another notch on the old belt.
Christmas tree is up and so are a few decorations, I am hoping that my mom and family will somehow come up and be with us. It will be tough for us without little E; I pictured this season with her, and now she is gone.
Yet, God is faithful: Months ago when I gave birth to my sleeping angel, I never thought I could even get through the season. Now with tears in my eyes I can write that I am getting through it and I feel God’s love and presense, as he know’s the difficulty. I am remembering what the season is about: God so loved his children that he sent his Precious Son, so that he may save us, if we so ask. So I am just keeping Jesus’ love in my heart and my Christmas lights on. LOL.
I am listening to this great sermon on television as I write this. Forgiveness is the message.
I get it God. I get it.
I ask you now, please help me to soften this bittered heart that is slowing relenting it’s anger.
I want your blessings. I want peace and total closure.