So yes, my last cycle turned out to be a bust indeed. I had 29 day cycle with none of my usual symptoms-no break outs. I actually started having hopes, and giving in to the idea of possibly being pregnant. But alas, cruely my period arrived. I managed to have a nice weekend, thanks mostly to hubby, who would rather concentrate on our next baby-making sessions than the the fact that my period arrived.

Work is okay, I’m trying to focus on all that i’m learning and not so much on the why’s. I’m being a fighter and trying to learn things on my own with little to no direction. I’m not going to the gym as I should, but not being so hard on myself. Yesterday I had a nice dancing session, which gave me a good sweat. I developed a lot of pride in my body while I was pregnant and thankfully it never went away. This body housed her and fed her; it created her (by God), and was her resting place. This body has never betrayed me, only I have by submitting in to diets and other forms of torture…lol.

I am a lonely fuck some days. Hubby is out working more and more late these days, so I tend to have dinner on my own, and so I am turning to the internet, CNN and my dog to keep me company.

Of couse my little E is always on mind and I miss her all the time. She tends to come to mind in the car while I am commuting, but she is never far from my heart. Yesterday I even thought to myself: no longer in my woulnd, but forever in my heart she will stay as I went to bed. Thank goodness today is my suppport group meeting. It’s a shame, but misery loves company and although I don’t wish this shit of luck on anyone, I still don’t want us to be the only ones. It’s funny because I was hoping to be pregnant, but started to get anxious at the realities of my %25 recurrence rate. Just the thought, got me nutty.

I don’t know what the hell we are going to do, but all we can do is take it one day at a time, or sometimes one moment at a time. Sometimes I think this is indeed my 9/11. All my before and afters are marked by her.

Oh how I miss you my darling.

I have even taken on a deeper interest in the afterlife and angels, and ghosts and stuff. I want to know that I will see her someday and hold her. That I will kiss her cheeks and lips and hold her close to my breasts. My child, why was I cheated out of a life with you?


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

One response »

  1. I ask myself that all the time (why was I cheated? why don’t I get to have her while all these women on welfare have 7 kids that they can’t pay for? why does that 16 yr old get to have 3 kids but I can’t have my one?) I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that the new year will be better for both of us.Your in my prayers.

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