Today, marks the 1 year anniversary of when I found out I was officially pregnant with my little E. I have a mixed bag of feelings. Nostalgia is definitely one of them, and so is my constant companion – sadness.
This past weekend I had another melt down. My husband is wonderful, but I can see this look of hopelessness now in his eyes. My mother warns me not to do this. She tells me that I have a good man, and not to make him feel like he can’t come to me. She warns me not to be the one to push him into the comforting bed (ouch!) of another woman. She is right. I know. I feel like I have failed him so badly. Like I am not the best wife I can be. I love the man, yet I hurt him. I need to be his partner and confront his parents at outings, I need to not brake down anymore. I just can’t hide from people and their babies forever.
I am not going to mention the past – especially when it comes to his parents anymore. I don’t want E’s legacy to be about anger and broken relationships. I know now that God sent her briefly, but with a mission- and that is to be the catalyst of change for me. At first I wrongly thought that my mission was to make them remember her. Now I know my mission is to change for the better.
My mission is to be a warrior, like my baby was. My misison is to fight to live another day, when all I want to do is die. It is so hard. It is all so hard. I previously posted a great poem by an unknown that said:
I am hurt but not slain; I will lay me down and bleed a while, and then I’ll rise to fight again.
Maybe if I say this often enough…? I actually thought about putting down inspirational thoughts on paper- some of my own, and some by others. I am really going to do this. Afterall, I need all the support I can get.