5 Year Plan & Other Ramblings…

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Currently there is quite a rain storm going on…which coupled with a nice glass of wine and a relaxing evening at home…is quite nice. A lot has happened, and I have been meaning to write, finally I have a chance.

Well I left that awful job, finally. No more a recruiter, I am now in human resources, and happily on a direct generalist path. It also seems that I am on my way to becoming the senior and only member of the staff, as one member is on her way out and another has an interview lined up. The commute is not the best, but at least I am driving and it’s no more than an hour in either direction.

On another note, our home is finally painted and beautiful; I am so happy with thet outcome. T he only rooms left are a bedroom and a bathroom, and of course, one day the baby’s room. Speaking of which–I am still not pregnant. This was our 2nd attempt, and nothing yet. Don’t know whether we should make love everyday or every other day….this time we will try day 10, 12, 14 and 16 of my cycle. We talked this past weekend and came up with a 5 year plan. We will do everything we can to become pregnant and deliver a healthy child. If it does not occure, we will go through with an adoption. i want a baby, and I know our hearts are big enough to adopt and love a child that may not be biologically ours.

Ever since the loss of our baby, I am dealing with a mixed bag of feelings. I feel jealousy and happiness at the same time for women who are pregnant or with babies. I feel uncertain and scared of the future. Sometimes 25% odds do not seem terrible, other times its all I can do not to feel crippled. I reach out to God for guidance, support and strength. I reach out because I wish to feel his love and compassion. I want to know that he suffers with me and for me. Somehow I feel that it is true when the Bible says “…all things work out for the good of those who serve him…” and “…for all things there is a season….a reason under heaven…”

I am trying, I really am. I go to work and clean our house. I try to be a good wife….yet I feel like I am just keeping my head above water. What happened to my life?…To my hope? It is really a struggle. I coach myself every day; I try to convince myself that life is worth living. That there is a reason for all this; a reason for hanging on.

All I know is that I miss my baby and always will. And, that I am desperate to fill this void in my heart and life…I don’t mean to replace the void, only to fill it.

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About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

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