Losing Fear…Gaining Ground


At my job there is this motivational photo of a man apparently begining an uncertaing voyage on a snowy, icy plane. The caption reads, Courage: When you have no fear, you truly begin to live. I just noticed it yesterday, and I like it, I like it.

If anything has come out of E’s loss, it is my maturing and above all confronting anger, pain and fear. I feel like I am in the process of becoming truly stronger. Fear does rear its ugly head when I think of the potential of another loss. Yet, all this will be confronted next week at the geneticist’s. Finally, I can begin to have closure in terms of E’s loss, even though it will come at the price of recent painful wounds opening again.

At my support group meeting last Thursday, a woman spoke of losing twins 2x after conceiving through IVF. Ouch. And she had a chemical pregnancy. I beleive her twins passed at 18 weeks and 20 weeks. Yet, there she was still living, still breathing, still moving forward. I am trying, I really am to follow her example.

Today for instance, that ugly pain and anger started to rise up in me. I caught myself though…I started to open my mouth and spew venom out at his parents. BUT I CAUGHT MYSELF, IN TIME! This is a triumph. I asked him to leave the room, and the tears came and I screamed and moaned and prayed into a pillow. With a lot of strength and prayer I fought it.

I am finding peace, I am getting stronger, but I tell ya, it is a struggle. A struggle that sometimes leaves me weak and other times thinking I can’t go on. But it always leaves me stronger.

Yesterday was a good day at work, thanks to my own effort of making things better. I did my hair at home again after two weeks of going to the salon. I had my eyebrows done yesterday and will do my nails in a few. Tonight, I will go to D & P’s for dinner and games. Their kids will be there. But i’ll be ok, they have a way of putting me at ease.

As you can see, life goes on. And, I really am trying to lead as normal a life as possible. The ‘new‘ normal as they say in my support group.

This blog is helping a lot, especially when I feel that imaginary knot in my stomach, that weight on my chest and the terrifying feeling that I am barely keeping my head above water. I recently prayed with all my heart to my Father in Heaven to help out my mother with a job and confidence. After so long a time, she had a great interview yesterday. Father, I am so thankful for you answering this prayer, even if nothing else can come of it. You have answered a prayer.

Now I am have this other one…you know which one…

Please Father.


About Jessica Emilia

Mother, wife, grief survivor, dancer, yogi, feminine, baker, cook, lover, fighter, perfectly imperfect, optimistic, pessimistic, reader, writer, funny, sarcastic, compassionate, emphatic, sympatheric, HR Pro, anxious, confident, supernatural, hocus-pocus, friend, daughter and momma again...

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